Not Enough.

It’s not enough. You are not good enough, not excellent enough, not rich enough, not wonderful enough, not smart enough, not obedient enough.

Things went very bad lately. Everything is like rolling a downhill. I lost my way, I lost my sense of direction – I lost myself. I just want to be lost in the nothingless. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to retreat myself to a place no one could find me, no one would know me. I want to be all alone, even though I hate to be alone. I just want to be with myself, and no one else.

Why do I have so many doubts in my life all of a sudden? Why everything just does not seem to be OK? This went wrong, that went wrong. EVERYTHING went wrong.

Today I realized how rotten I am. I am such a rotten person deep within. I have been the worst version of myself today. Never in my life I was this out of control. My pride, my wounded heart, misunderstanding – everything – mixed and there it went – a huge explosion! I could not control myself. I woke up at the wrong side of the bed after having a scary dream where I lost my everything in the dream. I was in a foul mood, nothing seemed right from the beginning of the day. I could not understand why I was behaving so badly. I’m really a stinky and rotten girl.

After what happened, I just can’t help it but to really look down on myself. Is this really me? Beneath that thin layer of appearance, is this really me? Nasty. Stinky. Ugly. Extremely disgusting.

I wish I could be a little bit more dispassionate in dealing with troubles in life. I wish I would be more understanding.

I wish I was cared for a little more. Despite the strong character I built, I’m actually vulnerable deep within. Despite being seen as the independent lady who organizes many things, I wanted to be dependent on someone. There are times when I just need to put down my strong self, and be a little girl who needs shelter and protection. I need someone to ask me at the end of a rough day, “How was your day?” or give me a lil dose of encouragement “I think you have done really well today.” Over time, I’ve gotten really tired being strong and trying to do everything myself. I just need someone to see that I need help too, and perhaps, your attention.

Some random thoughts I typed while I was having my me-day. 

Things haven't gotten any better. I wish to get well soon. 

identity crisis.

After weeks of dwelling in this phase of life, i'm ready to share it here. Perhaps, this would help me in seeing things clearer. Writing always helps me to lay out my issues and see things clearly. So...here it goes!

identity crisis [noun]
a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

This is exactly what i am facing and experiencing now. Here are the problems: I recently find myself keep thinking that i am too imperfect, i have no confidence, i'm slacking off, i'm becoming worse, and i just don't fit in anywhere anymore! I constantly find myself doubting the things i am/was (see i am not even sure of it myself!) interested in. I seem to be too absorbed in finding who i really am until i really lost myself. Errr, does that make any sense to you?

I think becoming a twentysomething does affect me, a little. I begin to feel the burden of the responsibilities I carry on my shoulder and I am more aware of every little and big action I do. And most of the time, i wondered if i was really doing what i should do, with what i have, at where i am, to the right people. 

I feel burnt out and find myself ranting all the time over busyness, busyness, and busyness. Commitments. Duties. I need to learn how to reorder my priorities so that I won't wear myself down. Many times, I found myself feeling so exhausted after tonnes of work. Giving tuition classes is really a heavy duty on me as I have to sacrifice and sometimes squeeze out my time for them. Can I really take it? If i cannot do it, i should say no. I think it might take me years or forever to learn to say 'no'.

I also become more sensitive of my appearance. Usually girls experience this during teenage hood, but apparently mine comes later. Oh well~ Anyway, I have a very negative self-image. Most of the time i see myself as ugly. I sighed and felt sad looking at the pretty clothes in my wardrobe. An increase of 1kg would freak me out. I crave for exercises. Real sweating exercises so that it could help me release endorphin which will make me happy. Sadly, it's been raining almost every evenings and i couldn't go enjoy tennis. This is sad. 

Next is...SELF-CONFIDENCE! My self-confidence shrunk! I used to be very confident. Ah, how much i miss the Agnes last time and her great self-confidence. I wish i could become her again. I realized i value myself too lowly. I think about myself as being really small, as being someone not important. Also, I doubt my capabilities. I doubt even the things that I am good at. I doubt if i was meant to be a teacher. I doubt if i could do my job well. Things didn't turn out as i thought and i start to judge and evaluate myself. Is this really for me?

When I meet someone, I become over self-conscious, I am very concerned over how others would look at me. Would they talk to me and feel that I have nothing special in me and get disappointed because I don't measure up to their expectation? Was I doing things the right way? Will it push other people away? Am I good enough? So I became overly careful with the way I bring myself. I tensed up, and when I tensed up, I was not being myself anymore, and things got even worse. 

When I reflect on myself these few months, I really see the impact of my slowly disappearing self-confidence. What has gone wrong? Is it because the strikes of reality that make me aware of the many many imperfections i have in me? Or is it actually because i was over confident last time? Why did my self-confidence desert me? 

My best friend said, "Be happy, be beautiful, be confident". Every word penetrates right through me and wakes me up. I seriously need to collect my self-confidence back. I need to practise my charm - the unspoken aura that comes from within. I need to know and acknowledge my own worth. I need to think I am good, special, and unique in my very own way. I need to appreciate my talents - they are wonderful gifts from God. Why do I have to try so hard to please everyone else? I just have to be the Agnes at her very best. Don't just sparkle, shine! Let your confidence shine and that is the best and most powerful possession i could ever have. I am awesome, capable, and beautiful. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

Yes! My Creator made me the way He wants me to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I declare that His works are wonderful - and that means I am wonderful too because He made me. I need to start to learn to look at myself differently. My Father God sees me and smiles and thinks I am wonderful. I need to look at myself through God's eyes.

Don't just be yourself;

Be the BEST VERSION of yourself.

Saying "I love you"...

"I love you"

The three most overused, misunderstood, & misused words.

When, where, why, how and to whom you would say these three words to? Have they been such overly used words that they actually lose their meaning? You say them to a random someone as how you randomly mean them? Why did you take away the valuable meaning behind these three beautiful words? 

'Guys use it like rags and girls desire it like gold.'

Is that it? "I love you" sounds so meaningless. I'm not being a dreamy girl who over fantasises about love but I never ever once think that "I love you" should be taken for granted. To me, "I love you" comes with a commitment. "I love you" is not your hello-s nor goodbye-s unless the person you say to means something to you. 

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. 

I don't know about others, in my opinion, no matter how westernized someone is, "I love you" should be used with care and good purpose. Never say them when you don't mean it at all, especially when you use them to banter with opposite sex. I personally feel guys who use these three words a lot without meaning them are just so cheap. Call me old-fashioned, but i do feel there are a lot more other better expressions in the English language which are more suitable and appropriate to use rather than "I love you". 

Guys, in particular, should be more careful with the use of these three words. They can either magically heal or devastatingly hurt the girls. If you don't mean anything, don't use them too often that you might send the wrong signals or you might actually degrade yourselves when other people look at the way you interact with girls. Never take "I love you" for granted - you don't mean what you say, but the ones receiving it don't read your minds. So you really can't blame it fully on girls who take "I love you" seriously and get your message wrong at the end of the day. 

Why not save them for the right person who deserve them the most?

Keeping those three words until the moment you say it to the person you truly love and who truly deserves those three words - how wonderful and beautiful that would be! It would be so meaningful as those words are saved for the person. You wouldn't find a compliment meaningful to you when you know it has been going around everywhere to anyone before it comes to you, would you? And if you compare, having received a compliment that is only for you, how wonderful it would make you feel? 

So, guys and girls, save your "I love you" to the ones who truly deserve it, and to the ones you really mean it to.

:)

It's been quite some time, hasn't it? :)
And we've changed a lot, haven't we?
And things are changing day by day, aren't they?

Hey guys, finally got the mood to blog. (No, actually i don't have the time to blog, but despite this, i feel like i need to blog. It's a way to keep things going on, it's simply a way to... record down what i've gone through.) So...September has ended.

I went for a vacation (yes, i think i can call it a vacation.) during the September two weeks break. I visited KL, Singapore and Pulau Langkawi. GOSH I LOVE THE BEACHES!!! :D From all these travelings from places to places...seeing new things, experiencing new things, I have really learnt a lot of things. And, i'm determined I gotta find the answer someday. 18 is not too late.

Yes, 18 is not too late!

Give space.

It's best to always give someone some space, especially in a relationship. Romantic relationship, family relationship or relationship between friends. You gotta know where the boundary is. If you care too much and that person feels uneasy, then you know it's a sign for you to move back a few steps. When someone feels that his/her personal space is invaded, he/she will move away from the you. When this happens, don't go asking why he/she feels that way. You'll make things worse.

Maybe he/she is someone who doesn't like being cared for too much.
Maybe he/she doesn't like the way you care.
Maybe the care he/she wants is not from you.

Go blind.

It's when the whole world go blind, then only people would see each other's heart.

Because it's when we can't see with our eyes, the heart opens its eyes.

Be happy. but not?

You truly wish someone to be happy, but whatever you do is only adding the sorrow to their life, isn't that sad?

You thought that by making yourself happy, you would make other people happy, but in the end, no one is happy at all.

Why did we let this happen?

Why...

Happiness.

Happiness is such a relative term that it sometimes loses definition.

Hold my hand.

*sigh*

i don't know why, but it doesn't seem easy.

Recently i find it really tiring and difficult to serve God. I don't have the time, i don't have the energy. I'm not sure if i should take a break from everything, and i meant everything. But i am not too if it's the right choice to do.

I reached home later than midnight today after attending a Church meeting which ended at midnight. I grabbed some Chipsmore once i reached home, was having gastric attack. Then i went upstairs to my room, mom opened her room door, 'Oh, you're back dy. You jut got home?' I nodded, 'Yeah, a while ago. [pause] You know what, i sometimes feel really tired serving God.' But the door was closed dy, i guess she was tired, just came out to check if i was home. She closed the door after asking.

I want to sing songs to You, Lord. I still want to sing songs of praises to you even though i am busy. This is something i want to give You. This is something i want to do for You. This is something i want You to hear. However, my hectic schedule is really gonna wear me out soon.

But still, if i were to take this challenge. Please, i would request just one tiny thing: hold my hand. :)

I'm tired.
But i will come to You
and You would give me rest.

Troubled.

It has been a long time since i last really updated this. Friends are telling me that they don't know any update form me. Oh well, life has been. pretty b a d recently. Still struggling to work it out, but finding myself on the verge of crashing down most of the time. I am really trying!

My schedule is very packed. So, now i have decided to lay down some responsibilities which other people could bear it better than me. Perhaps, they could give more commitment to those responsibility and produce better work. I'm gonna officially put down these burdens. I have the heart to help, but i don't think this is the only way to help. I'm already tied up with my own hectic schedule, so i really can't spare any more free time for those.

Learn to say 'no'.

Yes, that's the lesson i always failed to learn. But not this time.

So forgive me if i say no to those responsibilities. I like it better when there's no additional matter to tie me down even more. :)

Hope you all would understand.

If that someone never comes to you

It's normal everyone will have this feeling. (Unless if you are asexual then i have nothing to say.) So, let's be open-minded! Let's talk something about this. Well, just from what i have thought about lately. If that someone doesn't come to you, just... let go. It'd be a lot better than playing some kinda guessing game and in the end you guessed it all wrong. :)

To save yourself from being fooled by yourself, to save that someone from feeling guilty because he/she can't give you what you want - - just be cool and let go. :) See, by letting go, you become a super hero!

Sooner or later, it will fade away. It's just a feeling after all. It won't stay too long. :)

The friend in my heart, thank you. :)

Growing pains

Few days ago, i was upset seeing the way teenagers handled an activity. I wondered when they would grow up. I wondered when they would be independent on their own. I was puzzled why they were still so naive, so immature...

until i read a comment...

"We don't want to grow up."

It shocked me. It stirred me.

All this while, we kept thinking that growing up was good for them, we kept thinking that they didn't know about life, we kept thinking that they didn't know what responsibility is... Not knowing they actually didn't want it to happen too!

They didn't want to grow up.

They don't want to leave their safety zone yet because the future is unpredictable and they're afraid. They knew the responsibility that one day will be added on to their shoulders. They knew about life, they knew growing up isn't something enjoyable and easy.

I guess
we shouldn't simply judge them
when we actually feel
the same too.

Rabbit. Rare-bit.

You kept chasing after the thing you thought was good, but in the end you found out that you have missed out a lot of other better things along the way. What a miss! :(

Yeah, all of a sudden i just realized this fact. That i was too engrossed in chasing something which doesn't belong to me, and let go of many chances that came knocking on the door. You missed out some wonderful things, wonderful people, wonderful happenings...

Regret? A bit. Yes. I should have...really taken it more seriously. It is a miss.

Life still rolls on, people will move on, happenings will be forgotten... there's no way to go back. Well, unless i have the dagger which Prince Persia, Dastan had.

I wanted to say i really appreciate all the time we spent together.

I let the rare-bit go, Geral! :'( A rabbit that jumps out from the magician's hat. A rare-bit that comes jumping into me.

Why didn't i realize? It's only after such a long run when i found out that i was running for nothing, i finally turn back my head and see what i have missed out along the way.

Too focus is a bad thing.
Too determined is another bad thing.

Broken promises.

Hmmmm. Time is so short, so cruel at times. But sometimes, it turns out to be the best medicine. Oh no! I can't concentrate again. :( But i have to. I don't have much time left.

The kite which has its string cut won't be able to fly back. Perhaps, it's time to let go. Let it go, let it fly, in the world it can be truly happy - in the wide blue sky.

Well, it all started with the first broken promise. Then it continues with a string of broken promises. In the end, they all become empty promises. But now i'm trying my best to hold myself aloof from the source. This time, it's me who has broken the promise.

It's dangerous to simply give promises. It is even dangerous to simply believe in promises. From today onwards, don't simply give me any promises. I do not want to listen. Please don't think that you could give any promises which you think you could fulfill, because it's impossible.



Something else which came across my mind but it's not related to this post:
Don't. please don't waste your time on something which is not worth it. You know the answer, so please don't. I have to say sorry. Because of the wrong words used, the wrong feelings expressed.

i wonder if the kite would drop in front of my feet again.
even if so, should i pick it up?

Life's talk.

I've learnt and realized a lot of things lately. At times, i love it when i think a lot. At times, i just hate it. This time, i got the both feelings.

Struggled. Climbed up. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Struggled. Pulled through. :)

At times, life tells you this: It's only when you have climbed high enough, you get the most beautiful view.

I'm not saying that this picture is the most beautiful. This thought is actually something i feel lately: When you are tired of your life now, you must not give up. You might wonder where is the wonderful part of life that God wants you to see. Just go a little further, walked a few steps more, climbed a bit more until you reach that point where you could see the beautiful view. It's only when you have climbed high enough, you get the most beautiful view. If you haven't, maybe you haven't reached that point yet. :)

* * *

Yellow.
under a yellow light
in a bottle of tiny white stones.

you know you can't live long
yet you stands up straight to tell the world

even if my life ends tomorrow
even my shadows tell me to bend down
i am still going to stand up straight
and embrace each day as it comes.

* * *

i wish...

i could
put on the fairy's wings,
wave my magic wand,
and sprinkle some magic dust on myself when things go bad.

* * *

When life gives you a cup of vanilla milk, add a sweet vanilla smiley to it. -agneslzh-

When you find something happy in your life, don't just be happy. Add a smiley to it and really enjoy it to the fullest. Some of the the happiness don't stay long, you know.

* * *

in times of solitude,
you realize
you actually have everything.

* * *

告诉自己别傻了

How have you been?

It's 1:30am now. I am supposed to be asleep by now but i'm not.

Let's track back today's events. :) (or yesterday's events.)

i was sleepy - stole a quick eyes-off in the van while pastor was sending others home - went to cell group - read bible - went to tHe Spring straight after work - marking and packing - went off to work - "it's a gloomy morning." - woke up and took a hot morning shower - frustrated and pressured - opened my eyes.

WAIT.

Something is not right somewhere. Right from the very beginning of the day.

i was sleepy - stole a quick eyes-off in the van while pastor was sending others home - went to cell group - read bible - went to tHe Spring straight after work - marking and packing - went off to work - "it's a gloomy morning." - woke up and took a hot morning shower - frustrated and pressured - opened my eyes.

I guess everything started not so good right from the beginning of the day. =| Well, having to force myself to wake up early in a holiday is a great torture! :( I feel so bad for myself, for not being able to enjoy the holidays. It's just going to be FOUR weeks. No no, it has just reminded me: only TWO weeks left. OWHH! :'(

It's really late now and i don't feel like typing lots of words, so just a very brief update.

I've finally tidied my study table!

After a week of procrastination, i finally picked up my lazy self to tidy it. It took me days to remove those Form 6 and Form 5 books from my shelves and table. And it took me two days to sort out the whole stack of paper. I made some shelves out of boxes!

I've finished watching this! Tamna Island.

I LOVE IT! It's such a cute love story. It's based on traditional setting, in Ji Zhou Island. I like Park-Kyu in this story. (The one holding the hat.) Why? I like his personality, his views on life, of choices he should make in life, he's thoughtful but he's keeping all the things inside, he cries. He is always serious, mysterious, and courteous. He has a very radiant smile when he smiles, but he doesn't smile a lot because of his attitudes towards his work. He stands up for the girl he likes and protects her from any insults or bullies from other people. He takes care of the girl when she's ill. He doesn't care if the girl knows he was there to watch over her for the whole night to make sure her fever subside. Ah... :)

saw this in newspaper today.

Hmmmmm. I am happy! It's even better if i could escape the bond for government. If it is so, if i'm not selected, then, i would have the chance to complete my dreams! :) What a good news! Perhaps, i could spend a few months in oversea, go to the university there as a student under student exchange programme. Meet people from other places, people who live far far at the other side of the sea. Experience, explore... Well, that is when i will have a really LONG holidays! Long enough for me to do the things i really wanna do in this stage of my life. Or perhaps, i could travel to places and become a journalist. :D Travel on cruise? Try EVERY job i wanted to try. Bridal studio. More and moreee! :)

*pop bubbles pop bubbles*

I still have, four and a half year to go. Soon, it will be the anniversary of "The Twist of My Story". Hmm. It has almost been one year. Sometimes i feel things have changed, but sometimes i just don't think they have changed much. =/ But what i would tell myself is: it's really something no one can answer. So just save those "Why why why's", the plan is too big for me to understand. :)

While most of the students would do in holiday is to enjoy to the max, i feel like i'm totally the opposite. My boss, the instructor of the tuition center called me and i went back to work. Frankly speaking, i'm sick of it. It's not because of the insrtuctor treated me badly or something. It's the job itself. It's a repetitive job! It's too easy and too boh-riiiinngggg. (=boring) Oh wait, i take back the work "easy", it isn't! You know what, i guided Add Math students in the last lesson. I felt safe walking around speaking as if i-know-it-all-very-well with the answer books in my hand. ;) Whenever i didn't know how to answer, i would quickly open the book, study the answers together with the steps. Then i would walk back to the student, and explained it easily. This is the teacher's secret. HAHAHAHAHA. It's not my fault, i really forgot those creepy formulas when i'm no longer using them. And the chapter that they were doing was Quadratic functions, which is the chapter i hate a lot. Drawing graphs, blah blah... If it's Trigonometry or Triangles and Solutions or some other topic is still not bad. But graphs, finding roots, finding the equations...Save me! Plus, the standard of the Add Math questions is a lot harder because it's based on O-level and A-level standard. You get pretty difficult "form 5" and "form 6" Add Math questions in the worksheet. There were times i didn't understand the working steps provided in the answer books. I asked my instructor about the steps, only then i knew, it's form 6 Math! I didn't even learn those...

Okay okay, now here is a really BAD news!

I still have work at 9am tomorrow! I have to reach the center before 845am. :( Yeah yeah yeah... i have to WAKE UP EARLY. And why am i still up now? It's almost 230am. Five hours to sleep. Hmm. :( Anyways, it's the LAST day of work!!! :D

Yeeeeeepieeee!

How have you been?
Me?
I think i'm getting used to it now. :)

vulnerable.

no.
i'm not tough.
no.
i'm not over it yet.
no.
i can't let go.
no.
i'm not the one i once knew.
no.
everything is just going so wrong.


suddenly i just feel so sad. i don't know what have i done wrong. or why should i be awarded all these painful punishments while i worked as hard as anyone else too? and why every good thing could just turn away so cruelly when i needed something to hold on? and why can't you see i'm really trying hard?

can you see and feel the sleepless nights i have? crying myself to sleep and force myself to forget all those wonderful things i imagined? and now those wonderful dreams turned into nightmares which haunt me not only in my sleep, but also in my life.

locked myself up in the room, stopping myself from talking to people, i'm slowly turning myself into a true loner, an anti-social.

if we all knew that things will turn out like this, then i wouldn't have tried that much - i wouldn't have dreamt that much - i wouldn't have hoped that much. if only we knew that the outcome is this, i wouldn't have given it a thought, and made it once so close to me and suddenly gone. i wouldn't have gotten myself so close, and believed that it could be my destiny.

the emptiness left just hurts so much.

if only i knew "get over it" is nothing but words to fool people, i wouldn't have stepped in in the first place and believed that it will work. if only i knew "it's okay" is something people could simply utter to anyone whom they think who needs it, then i wouldn't have been fooled.

if only i knew that one thing could change my whole life, i wouldn't have cared about other people, except ME. if only i knew how impossible it is that others will say in their words of consolation, i wouldn't let them have the chance to say those words. They just won't work!

if only i knew that it was merely a fool play from the beginning, i wouldn't have spent so much time on it. if only i knew the true meaning of impossible, i wouldn't have my feeling surrendered to you. if only i knew that i'm not meant for this, then i wouldn't have started anything from the beginning.

now i've lost more than just my dream.
hope, faith, people, believe, trust, strength, possibilities...
and the light.


please.
words could make me believe no more.
turn your face away.
keep your care inside.
step away.
and don't haunt me anymore.

show me that weak ray of Your light...

Volcanic erruption

Tuesday . 27th April 2010

Nope, this is not about the volcanic eruption in Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland. Anyways, volcanic eruption is good. It actually cools down the Earth. Likewise, my case too. :)


It has been a while...

You know what i have learnt about life recently? Precious wonderful things, as well as nasty horrible things. Sometimes in the day i felt so overjoyed and loved; sometimes in the day, i was overwhelmed by a gush of mixed emotions.

It's been a while... since i last played my favourite songs on the piano.
It's been a while... since i last watched a romantic tear-jerking movie.
It's been a while... since i last really enjoyed doing something i miss so much.

I don't know what happened. But i can feel only the sad impact on my life. I have no idea what caused it, hence i have no idea how to solve it. I'm losing my purposes of living and i can no longer hold on to faith.

Last Sunday while i was teaching the teenagers, I told them wonderful things about living. I told them that life is a gift from God, not everyone is so lucky to live long. So we should be grateful that at least, we live until today. I showed them a clip about loving and appreciating life. It's a very simple yet touching clip where they have recorded what the children suffered from cancer said. They were so desperate to fight on and live another; yet on the very contrary, there are people (like me) who grumble about life as each new day comes. There are people (like me) who complain that it's a total torment and suffering to live another day where there are people who are dying, insist to continue fighting, fighting and fighting. There were also people buried under the ground for weeks due to earthquake yet still cling on hope. It's simply because living is such a wonderful gift not many people can have the opportunity to have. I told the teenagers to list down things they would want to do in life before they die. I collected every of their papers and read them. Strong emotions stirring inside me as I read their dreams and things they want to do. I felt a tinge of sympathy and sadness as i ran through their lists of "I wish i could...". It reminded me - i was once just like that too.

I felt happy when i looked into their eyes. What i had told them must have had touched them. However, i felt sad too because I know the things i had just told them, are IRONIC.

I was once so anticipated over my future. I was once so enthusiastic over my life. I've planned everything, imagined everything, dreamt of everything i wish to do and to be until i could even smile when i was sleeping. Things were wonderful. Not until Mr. Reality stepped into my life and cut the ground from under my feet. He cruelly grabbbed away my everything - imagination, hope, dreams... And now sometimes in my sleepless hours, I would stare into the dark and wonder why am i working so hard? Why am i doing this when i don't even like it? Why my life has changed so drastically? Why things changed? Why people changed? Why things keep missing? How long am i gonna live? How long am i gonna endure all this? How am i gonna deal with things? How am i gonna persevere? How am i gonna let go off things? How am i gonna live in denial? How strong am i to say i don't care? How long can i flash a fake smile to the world? How long can i hold my tears back?

endless questions... not many answered.

growing pains - that's why i never liked growing up.

Ever since... i had a 'new life'. I'm a changed person, physically and mentally. Physically. I hear my body complain. How would i know? It's my body. My skin allergy just doesn't seem to get any better. In fact, it's worsening. I dislike air-conditioner. Very unfortunately i have to study in air-conditioned rooms everyday, with the temperature that could turn my nail purple. And yes, those who know me, i literally dry up when i'm in an air-cond room. Not only my moisture is sucked up, my brain juice as well. Thus, it makes me think slower and i don't think it could make me study any better. Besides that, I kept getting stomach ache and diarrhoea. :( The gruelling schedules and lots of other activities really would tire me and wear me out. I feel like...i'm slowly destroying myself. But i know, this is college life, i shouldn't complain over it. I should be grateful instead.

Mentally. I have turned into a pessimist. A serious one, at some point. I don't want it to be like this. It just...happened. :( I learnt to bottle my feelings up, i learnt to be selfish, i learnt to be ignorant, i learnt to be evil. Whatever i have encountered in life has poisoned my mind, changed me into someone i could hardly recognize. The melancholy element in me is gradually expanding. I find learning things something boring at times. I have to keep telling myself, forcing my mind and my body and to go on, to adapt. The school work alone is not enough for the suffering, still added on by other other miscellaneous problems. Being human is so difficult. And the fact that my freedom is totally restricted in here makes me blue. :( Many times, i had planned some de-stress activities but they all went awry. Sad, isn't? There would always be some last minute activities/lectures coming up. It's as though once you are in, you sold your soul and everything to them! What is left of me? A puppet that chases after the schedules. NO LIFE at all! Somehow i feel that, to enjoy has become a sin.

I kinda like the what a friend of mine told me this morning:

"Planning ahead is good. It's just that you forgot to plan the cushion for your fall." :)

Lately, i'm really falling apart and losing my grips. And this is also something worrying: my spiritual life went down too. Gotta pick myself up! I feel so ashamed in front of God, that i have such a small faith. Small faith! Small faith! I can lose all the other things but i must not lose faith. God, please hold my hand and lead me to walk steadily; not to fumble and stumble when it's dark.

I want a BIG faith!

Well, i guess i have let out some unhappiness from my full bottle. A bit cooled off. :) There's still a whole list of things awaiting for me to accomplish. Just can't pick up the happy mood. =/ Tired of pretending. :( Owkay i guess the time doesn't permit me to write long, i would better sign off now.

cling on tight.

i

can't sleep.

Should i step forward for just remain here until it's safe to step forward?
Things happened too fast, and i am not sure which move to take. But from the two choices, i must pick one.

it's almost 3a.m.

seeing something different.

Monday . 22nd March 2010

Run towards your dream!

Went to a camp, learnt a lot of things!! :) I feel like i have grown a little. :D Praise Lord! Hmm, i actually wanted to type out a lot of things regarding on the camp, it taught me a lot of things. First time cried in a camp listening to real life stories; first time sleeping on a bunk bed (was sleeping on the top alone, very scary i tell you! i didn't know which side to turn to at night. empty beds besides me.); first time shared on photography experience with some adults (they are really nice people); first time had my sand fight (the enemy was ah wei stupid boy who gets jealous easily.); first time took bath with *euuurrrk* erm, water which looked like coffee; first time praising people so many times in four days! Lot's of new things. It was a good try! :)

Good thing, good thing.... here comes the BAD THING! I got bitten by those super poisonous wild insects. The bites are swollen now. Sobs. They are very irritating, itchy, and painful when you touch them. Not again not again not again.

big SIGH.

I learnt to be patient, learnt to praise, learnt to appreciate... And the most important thing i learnt from this camp is about dream. It is always a sensitive issue which will stir my feelings up. However, after this, i think i am going to face it with a stronger heart. I can't just stay like this forever. It's time to change my mindset.

每一个梦想都一定会经过考验。
不要为了盲目地追求自己的梦想而伤害爱你的人。

How true. Eric's sharing touched me a lot, i cried and i realized how self-centered i was. Then, from one of the game in Team Building, there's one game where the whole group had to cross over a string, hand in hand. The sharing and the game were like a wake up knock. They might be wrong at killing me dream, or snatching it away from me. BUT i was even wrong for doing all the things i have done, for saying all the words which hurt them. :(

梦想，梦想。如果到最后弄到其他的人受伤，爱你的人为你心痛，大家都不开心 - - 那么那个梦想到底有什么用啊？曾经很自私地认为所有的人都很坏，不过到最后，自己应该才是那个不迁就别人的人吧？

[I will upload the photos soon in Facebook, maybe next week.]

Holidays are over. SO FAST! It wasn't a holiday anyway. Yesterday went out with Pastor, Ah Wei, Lanny after church to The Hills shopping mall for lunch. After that went out with Amy to watch Alice in the Wonderland 3D!!! It turned out to be a continuation of the story of Alice after she had grown up. I like the last part where there was a modern dance by the hatter.

Alice in the Wonderland

Too bad the time was really not enough, only managed to watch a movie then walked around for awhile. Then Amy's daddy sent me home. I like her daddy. So "young", so funny... hehe. He asked me already got boyfriend or not. I replied 'no' then he said must be daring to look for the one i love, don't wait for him to make the move. If not, the guy will go away. LOL!!! He said now the world has changed; the girls can go after the boys. :) And he says to find the true love, must pray specifically. :) What kinda boy you want - smart, handsome, bla bla...

Anyways, now i'm sooooo busy with things. My life. My studies. Well, i got no time. I have tried, but i think i can't. So, yeah. I dunno if the things i am doing now are giving the wrong signals or what, but just wanna clarify that i'm not planning on anything right now. I just like the time i spent together with you all. Laughing and fooling around. Text you when i am bored. Well, but i still believe in waiting. :) If you want the answer, ask again on my birthday this year. Perhaps I will answer you honestly this year.*

Ooh, and i just got my phone back. Hmm, lost ALL the messages. Well, perhaps, it is an indication, an indication that i should move on and start all over again with nothing. :) Feeling good for this, though i miss the time in the past, though i still want to hold on to the memories. But no no no, i'm gonna let them go, one by one, or all at once. I don't want to be entangled in the past. anymore.

Two exams papers are given back. Kinda disappointed. Will talk about it more after i have gotten all the papers back. Gonna be super busy this week. Lots of things to do, lots of activities, lots of preparation to be done. HEADACHE!

In JUNE holiday, i just want to sit at home, doing nothing, starring aimlessly at the ceiling, asking myself, "what should i do?" :p or perhaps, if i really can't stand the state where i have nothing to do, i will just find something i enjoy doing. Currently have one plan in mind. :D

Next movie...

How to train your dragon :D

A new start.
Goodbye, you!