Volcanic erruption

Tuesday . 27th April 2010

Nope, this is not about the volcanic eruption in Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland. Anyways, volcanic eruption is good. It actually cools down the Earth. Likewise, my case too. :)


It has been a while...

You know what i have learnt about life recently? Precious wonderful things, as well as nasty horrible things. Sometimes in the day i felt so overjoyed and loved; sometimes in the day, i was overwhelmed by a gush of mixed emotions.

It's been a while... since i last played my favourite songs on the piano.
It's been a while... since i last watched a romantic tear-jerking movie.
It's been a while... since i last really enjoyed doing something i miss so much.

I don't know what happened. But i can feel only the sad impact on my life. I have no idea what caused it, hence i have no idea how to solve it. I'm losing my purposes of living and i can no longer hold on to faith.

Last Sunday while i was teaching the teenagers, I told them wonderful things about living. I told them that life is a gift from God, not everyone is so lucky to live long. So we should be grateful that at least, we live until today. I showed them a clip about loving and appreciating life. It's a very simple yet touching clip where they have recorded what the children suffered from cancer said. They were so desperate to fight on and live another; yet on the very contrary, there are people (like me) who grumble about life as each new day comes. There are people (like me) who complain that it's a total torment and suffering to live another day where there are people who are dying, insist to continue fighting, fighting and fighting. There were also people buried under the ground for weeks due to earthquake yet still cling on hope. It's simply because living is such a wonderful gift not many people can have the opportunity to have. I told the teenagers to list down things they would want to do in life before they die. I collected every of their papers and read them. Strong emotions stirring inside me as I read their dreams and things they want to do. I felt a tinge of sympathy and sadness as i ran through their lists of "I wish i could...". It reminded me - i was once just like that too.

I felt happy when i looked into their eyes. What i had told them must have had touched them. However, i felt sad too because I know the things i had just told them, are IRONIC.

I was once so anticipated over my future. I was once so enthusiastic over my life. I've planned everything, imagined everything, dreamt of everything i wish to do and to be until i could even smile when i was sleeping. Things were wonderful. Not until Mr. Reality stepped into my life and cut the ground from under my feet. He cruelly grabbbed away my everything - imagination, hope, dreams... And now sometimes in my sleepless hours, I would stare into the dark and wonder why am i working so hard? Why am i doing this when i don't even like it? Why my life has changed so drastically? Why things changed? Why people changed? Why things keep missing? How long am i gonna live? How long am i gonna endure all this? How am i gonna deal with things? How am i gonna persevere? How am i gonna let go off things? How am i gonna live in denial? How strong am i to say i don't care? How long can i flash a fake smile to the world? How long can i hold my tears back?

endless questions... not many answered.

growing pains - that's why i never liked growing up.

Ever since... i had a 'new life'. I'm a changed person, physically and mentally. Physically. I hear my body complain. How would i know? It's my body. My skin allergy just doesn't seem to get any better. In fact, it's worsening. I dislike air-conditioner. Very unfortunately i have to study in air-conditioned rooms everyday, with the temperature that could turn my nail purple. And yes, those who know me, i literally dry up when i'm in an air-cond room. Not only my moisture is sucked up, my brain juice as well. Thus, it makes me think slower and i don't think it could make me study any better. Besides that, I kept getting stomach ache and diarrhoea. :( The gruelling schedules and lots of other activities really would tire me and wear me out. I feel like...i'm slowly destroying myself. But i know, this is college life, i shouldn't complain over it. I should be grateful instead.

Mentally. I have turned into a pessimist. A serious one, at some point. I don't want it to be like this. It just...happened. :( I learnt to bottle my feelings up, i learnt to be selfish, i learnt to be ignorant, i learnt to be evil. Whatever i have encountered in life has poisoned my mind, changed me into someone i could hardly recognize. The melancholy element in me is gradually expanding. I find learning things something boring at times. I have to keep telling myself, forcing my mind and my body and to go on, to adapt. The school work alone is not enough for the suffering, still added on by other other miscellaneous problems. Being human is so difficult. And the fact that my freedom is totally restricted in here makes me blue. :( Many times, i had planned some de-stress activities but they all went awry. Sad, isn't? There would always be some last minute activities/lectures coming up. It's as though once you are in, you sold your soul and everything to them! What is left of me? A puppet that chases after the schedules. NO LIFE at all! Somehow i feel that, to enjoy has become a sin.

I kinda like the what a friend of mine told me this morning:

"Planning ahead is good. It's just that you forgot to plan the cushion for your fall." :)

Lately, i'm really falling apart and losing my grips. And this is also something worrying: my spiritual life went down too. Gotta pick myself up! I feel so ashamed in front of God, that i have such a small faith. Small faith! Small faith! I can lose all the other things but i must not lose faith. God, please hold my hand and lead me to walk steadily; not to fumble and stumble when it's dark.

I want a BIG faith!

Well, i guess i have let out some unhappiness from my full bottle. A bit cooled off. :) There's still a whole list of things awaiting for me to accomplish. Just can't pick up the happy mood. =/ Tired of pretending. :( Owkay i guess the time doesn't permit me to write long, i would better sign off now.

cling on tight.