Not Enough.

It’s not enough. You are not good enough, not excellent enough, not rich enough, not wonderful enough, not smart enough, not obedient enough.

Things went very bad lately. Everything is like rolling a downhill. I lost my way, I lost my sense of direction – I lost myself. I just want to be lost in the nothingless. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to retreat myself to a place no one could find me, no one would know me. I want to be all alone, even though I hate to be alone. I just want to be with myself, and no one else.

Why do I have so many doubts in my life all of a sudden? Why everything just does not seem to be OK? This went wrong, that went wrong. EVERYTHING went wrong.

Today I realized how rotten I am. I am such a rotten person deep within. I have been the worst version of myself today. Never in my life I was this out of control. My pride, my wounded heart, misunderstanding – everything – mixed and there it went – a huge explosion! I could not control myself. I woke up at the wrong side of the bed after having a scary dream where I lost my everything in the dream. I was in a foul mood, nothing seemed right from the beginning of the day. I could not understand why I was behaving so badly. I’m really a stinky and rotten girl.

After what happened, I just can’t help it but to really look down on myself. Is this really me? Beneath that thin layer of appearance, is this really me? Nasty. Stinky. Ugly. Extremely disgusting.

I wish I could be a little bit more dispassionate in dealing with troubles in life. I wish I would be more understanding.

I wish I was cared for a little more. Despite the strong character I built, I’m actually vulnerable deep within. Despite being seen as the independent lady who organizes many things, I wanted to be dependent on someone. There are times when I just need to put down my strong self, and be a little girl who needs shelter and protection. I need someone to ask me at the end of a rough day, “How was your day?” or give me a lil dose of encouragement “I think you have done really well today.” Over time, I’ve gotten really tired being strong and trying to do everything myself. I just need someone to see that I need help too, and perhaps, your attention.

Some random thoughts I typed while I was having my me-day. 

Things haven't gotten any better. I wish to get well soon.