I'm awesome me!

Awesome is not awesome without me.

You must first believe that you can make it!

Once in a while, you would need a little boost of confidence, a little push to go even further. So, here I am, cheering myself to keep going on! I know this sounds crazy, but yeah... Sometimes, that little boost of confidence, that little push, that little affirmation, that little motivation, should come from you yourself!

I want to just take a few minutes, to praise myself for how awesome I have been! I'm currently having my precious, precious holiday...and everyone knows that my holidays are never free! Perhaps it's me, I would go crazy if i were to idle around and do nothing - i just need to occupy myself with things to do. And when I do that, I'm complaining my life is too packed. 

In this holiday, I have
(a) two assignments to complete
(b) practicum files which i need to keep up-to-date
(c) tennis
(d) meet ups with friends
(e) tidy my stuff
(f) Vanessa's tuition
(g) Form 1 History tuition
(h) outings
(i) one novel to finish
(j) pupils' work which i need to tidy, file up, decorate and display
(k) next week's lesson plans to plan and teaching aids to make

Wow wow wow...

How can i manage all?
So far so good, but honestly, i'm almost worn down! :(
Holiday is coming to an end...
And, right now, i feel giddy when I try to stand up or just look at things around me.

Father God, hold me before I break... 

Let me draw strength from You...

Soul-searching, self-reevaluating...

Yes! This is another night where i just couldn't help but feeding myself with unhealthy and heart-breaking activities and making myself getting very very emotional. Sigh! This was what I would do when I had too much time, huh? Perhaps lil Vanessa should come for tuition tonight, or perhaps, i should have gone out and hang out with my girlfriends. Any perhaps but sitting in front of the laptop, eyes glued on the screen, reading and reading some not-so-important-matters. And in the end, i got so stirred up and i'm suddenly feeling so low. 

When I first started blogging, i used to pour everything (and trust me, i mean everything - even the most random thing!) into the blog. I wrote everything that i felt. But then I stopped as I grew slightly more mature. I started to believe that writing feelings out was something very childish, and only emo people would do it. Also, i believed that it somehow proved a negative character of a person or his capabilities to handle and manage problems. And at times, i thought it seemed pathetic as if i had no one to talk to that i'm talking, wait, it's not even talking, that i'm typing it out to a *pause* non-living thing. But i would say NO to that idea again, for now. Venting it out in blogs is therapeutic! Well, for me, I must admit I'm not a very verbal person, my thoughts are more composed when I write them out. Of course I do talk things out and I enjoy doing that, just that somehow it is only effective when I'm talking to the right person. Anyway, so now, I'm back and I still believe in typing things out, documenting every part of my life. After all, this blog is rather private so I suppose I would feel safe here to let out my inner thoughts, any of my confusion, my fear, my worries, my silly dreams, my embarrassing moments...anything.

Isn't it scary that you let go of your confidence just because of the false negative judgements you have on yourself? Worse is, those judgements are made based on how others perceive you, or even what you think others would think of you. Where is your self-worth? You are worth so much more, my dear. However, gaining back the confidence after losing it can take quite some time, and great effort, and constant boost of positive-ness. I need to gain back my confidence! I need to be the confident Agnes back!

I believe i look good. Thus, I am good, and i can be good!

Another thing which frustrates me is that I really never learn to say "NO". I'm always very interested in everything and want to be part of as many things as i could. Yes, I do benefit from participating actively in meaningful activities, but at the same time, i am also wearing myself down. I always forgot the fact that I am a human - a human with flesh, a human with limitations. I guess I've always had the picture of an Iron Woman or some octopus-like wonder woman, or  someone who can split herself when I try to imagine myself. 

Practice saying 'no'. No, no, no...

So the over-ambitious thought of what I could do and what I want to do always brings along with it unnecessary stress and sacrifice of my precious free time. And all these will later become my complaints. 

What's bugging me now?

I've agreed to help out as an adjudicator for Swinburne debate competition tomorrow. It will be a Saturday, and it's the Saturday, the break, i have been longing for for the whole week. I am not sure if i have made the wise decision of spending my whole Saturday there. Well, i hope I would be able to learn something from it as well. I think I will be bringing my camera and perhaps record some sessions to show to my students. Since I have already agreed, I would better just make the best of it. :) Be positive, yes? 

Next, is of course, my Scheme of Work, lesson plans, journal entry, teaching aids...which have to be completed by the end of this weekend. *scream* And i don't really have time. Seriously, why did I make myself so busy with so many things? (See, there goes the complaints.) SIGH! Well, i guess it's another not-enough-rest weekend for me! Embrace it, Aggy!

Then...is that. But i won't elaborate much here. 

Hrmmm. That's all for this post. Feeling slightly better, even though nothing has been solved yet, but at least i've got the attitude fixed. Blogging does help. 

OKAY~ 

A beautiful tomorrow awaits me!

lingering thoughts...

I really dislike it when i delay sprinkling my thoughts here and finding it difficult to type what i wanted to record down in this blog. Anyway, some of the thoughts which keep lingering on my mind:

I want to stop humiliating myself by all the stupid thoughts and actions. 

I must be more independent. 

I must be an emotionally and spiritually strong lady.

I want to be better.

I am not weak, and you can't hurt me. 

I will fight through it strongly!

Keep shining, but don't get burned out.
Keep believing, but don't dream too much.

Yes, you can accomplish so much more than this.
Yes, you deserve so much more than this.

Keep loving, even though it hurts.
Keep doing, even though it seems the same.
Keep hoping, even though there ain't a clue. 
Keep giving, but know that there's a limit.

One day, God will reveal the reasons
and everything will be crystal clear.

Down, down, down.

These few days, insomnia really tortured me. My dear brain kept thinking of a lot of things, things in the past, things happening, and things yet to happen. Oh why can't it at least rest for awhile? I have been an emotional wreck these few days. Not much of moodswings as I have always been at the really low point. I jog a lot these few days (even after tennis training) so that I would drain myself out and have a goodnight sleep. I always have this personal belief that sweating is therapeutic because as I sweat, my problems leave my body too.

I have been feeling really down, depressed, dejected, tiny, far and out of reach lately. Things just never seem to go right. All the positive energy in me deserted me, my enthusiasm evaporated into thin air. I'm deflated.

So right now it's just a very depressing moment in life as a result of strings of emotional issues, annoyance and over-thinking... Yes! I over-think, most of the time! Do not worry - I may be very down right now, and everything may seem bad and sad, but I will pull through this, I will march on with greater confidence, resilience and courage! I won't dwell in this misery and depression for too long. Life rolls on; there's no use giving too much attention to this down part of life. Things will eventually, and always get better. Once this storm is over, the sun will come out shining with hope again. It's just a phase in life which I have to go through. 

I know I will be able to shine again! It's like an epiphany appearing at the end of torment. Thanks to my over-thinking, I begin to see things clearly, the picture is starting to form. I was so engrossed in chasing other things, but no, why chase for them when I have better things to change here. I will share more in the next entry. I'm physically and mentally drained out, I will retire early for the day. Finally! I will have a sound sleep tonight! :)

The Time of My Life

Another wonderful, insightful, thought-provoking, inspiring and magical book by my favourite author, Cecelia Ahern! I really love her books. Her books never fail to let me enjoy the simple yet wonderful joy of reading. I finished reading this book last Monday, but I wasn't free to write about it. I wanted to share some of my thoughts and feelings after reading it.

Here is the synopsis:

Lucy Silchester has an appointment with her life – and she’s going to have to keep it.

Lying on Lucy Silchester’s carpet one day when she returns from work is a gold envelope. Inside is an invitation – to a meeting with Life. Her life. It turns out she's been ignoring it and it needs to meet with her face to face.

It sounds peculiar, but Lucy’s read about this in a magazine. Anyway, she can’t make the date: she’s much too busy despising her job, skipping out on her friends and avoiding her family.

But Lucy’s life isn’t what it seems. Some of the choices she’s made – and stories she’s told – aren’t what they seem either. From the moment she meets the man who introduces himself as her life, her stubborn half-truths are going to be revealed in all their glory – unless Lucy learns to tell the truth about what really matters to her.

(Taken from Cecelia Ahern's webpage.)

"Are you taking your life for granted?"

Well, honestly I would say that most of the time, I took my life for granted. Comforting and lying to myself that "it's only for this time" never solve the problem. This gets worse especially when I get busy. Too busy for myself! Too busy until I could hardly breath! This gruelling schedule is suffocating! Do they sound familiar? Sometimes we really need to stop being so busy, pause, and pay attention to all the good things/people we missed out along the way. Our life isn't just about ourselves. Our lives include our beloved ones, friends, and family too. Often I took them for granted, especially my family, when I got so tied up with the activities I was involved in, or in other people. Well, this book is certainly a wake-up call for me to stop taking my life for granted. Stop neglecting life.

Find someone who is interested in your life. 

Be with someone who is not only just interested in you, your ability, your physical characteristics, your personalities. If a person really loves you, he or she will be interested in your life. Afterall, our life is what makes us, our life is what we constantly fall back on, our life is what defines us. How can someone not be interested in your life yet claims to be interested in you. So if you love someone, know more about the person, know his or her life, accept his or her life, love his or her life, and be part of his or her life.

Final words from the book:

As long as you're around, your life is too. So just as you shower love and affection and attention on the husbands, wives, parents, children and forever friends who surround you, you have to do so equally with your life, because it's yours, it's you, and it's always there rooting for you, cheering you on, even when you feel like you can't do it.

I gave up on my life for a while, but what I've learned is that even when that happens and especially when that happens, life never gives up on you. Mine didn't. And we'll be there for each other until those final moments when we will look at each other and say, "Thanks for staying until the end."

Very beautiful and heart-warming! I give it 10 out of 10!

A day well spent!

Yes, it's just another day in the holidays, but it's really a well spent day! I feel like I've accomplished so much today.

I started the day with a morning date with my love. It's been raining in the evenings so I thought mornings would be a better time of the day to maintain the intimacy level between my love and I. ♥ The weather was just perfect this morning, not too hot. Even though I did my warming up this morning before playing, my shoulder still hurt when I play. This is bad, I can't afford to skip my trainings now, the tournament is in two weeks!

After a satisfying morning exercise, I pampered myself with a facial mask. Yeah, I read somewhere that we should first learn to love ourselves before we could love others. We often pay too much attention on others instead of ourselves. After lunch, I dated myself out. Agnes and I went hunting for gifts for Father's Day. I wanted to get my Superhero something; it's been a long time since I last bought or gave my dad something. Also, I wanted to get some good quality cotton socks for Gracie. 

Shopping is never a problem for me. It's something I enjoy doing! The shopping mall was rather empty today and it made me feel like I was really alone in there. It has been quite a while since I last shopped for men's gifts. I bought my dad a collared shirt as he always wears one. However, it's really a shame because I think I've bought the shirt one size bigger. I didn't even know what size of the shirt my dad should be wearing! I hope it's not too big for him. Besides the shirt, I also bought him 3 pairs of new socks for working. I saw many really beautiful dresses. They are to die for! I had my purse kept tightly and safely in my bag and resisted the temptation of buying any new dress. But they are to die for! I need to start saving money and controlling my expenditure wisely. They are really to die for!

Enjoying my marking.

I spent my the rest of my evening marking my students' essays and preparing for the tuition class after talking to mom. She was a little unhappy that I bought milk tea again. Yes, mom, i know. It's just a once-in-a-while's indulgence, I promise. :) 

As a tuition teacher, I really want my students to learn more than what school can offer and most importantly, to improve. I feel the pressure in carrying out this responsibility because I'm paid by the parents to help teach and guide their children. Of course, apart from that, I want them to make the best of this opportunity - to have someone (although not a very qualified person) to help them in learning. I didn't attend any English tuition classes back then so I always think that attending tuition classes is something extra, a support in learning. Therefore, I don't want them to waste it and I really hope at least I could help them ease the struggles in learning English. I really hope I'm doing enough and that I'm doing it the right way. 

Making notes of the mistakes students made in their essays.

So this is what I have tried out. While marking, I would jot down the mistakes they made. Apart from that, I also included some good examples of the sentence structures I found in their essays. Before the tuition class started, I conducted a "Post Mortem" where everyone would look at these problems together. I told them it didn't matter who made the mistakes; the important thing is, we all learn together from each other's mistakes and avoid them in our writing. By doing so, everyone is learning more than their own mistakes. This is indeed a more effective way! I'm planning to adopt this method and I'm really looking forward to see incredibly positive changes slowly taking place! Awesome idea from an experienced friend! 

FINALLY!!!

Yes! FINALLY! This student submitted his weekly journal! I really appreciate his effort even though it is just a paragraph. I see it as a big step forward - a great start! Looks like my constant reminders worked! "Did you write your weekly journal" and "Remember to write your weekly journal"... I have been saying those to him everytime he came for tuition class, and even in church! My persistence paid off! I won't ask for too much for now, one paragraph a week would be a good start for him. I made it a point of writing weekly journal (It can be about anything, and yes i mean anything!) for all of them because I want this to be their habit. When writing becomes a habit, the ideas will flow easily and smoothly. Once writing has become their habit, next I would like to inculcate the love for reading. I realized that they don't read much. Or is it the younger generation nowadays don't read that much anymore? 

After the tuition class, I had my supper! My aunt is staying over here tonight so we had supper! Food, glorious food!!! Yeah, so much of exercising and keeping an ideal weight when I just love eating so much. *guilt seeps in* Well, I would need to do some light exercise after this! Tomorrow, I have to go to the General Hospital for my check up and to collect my blood test result. Need to hit the sack soon!

"Out of sight, out of mind".... Is it true? 

Anyway...

Thank You, Father God, for a wonderful day!

Hoping tomorrow will be another good day!

"The Perfect Present"

I'm not an avid reader, but I will become one when I get hold of amazing and superb books. I like the feeling when I could really enjoy a book, immerse in the story's ups and downs, seeing how the story evolves as the characters in the story. It gives me a little escapism from the real life - a little escape to be someone else, temporarily. At times we just gotta be someone else to form a different perspective of life. 

The book which i have just finished reading is "The Perfect Present" by Karen Swan. The ending was very heart-warming, amazing and inspiring! On the cover it says "Memories are a gift..." and I truly feel and agree with it towards the end - it is just so true! Laura, ran a jewellery business and had always kept her world small. However, her life came to a turning point, or more like a point of new realization when one day Rob walked into her studio and asked her to make a charm necklace for his enigmatic wife, Cat. She had to make seven charms, and each charm would tell and represent someone in Cat's life. She was then invited to join Rob and his friends to activities they do as friends. Laura, while appearing as a guest, had to work on her charms by secretly interviewing the selected seven people for their memories with Cat so that she could design the perfect charm for each person. She had to interview Cat's family, friends, and former lovers. It wasn't easy throughout. New feelings, emotions, and problems with Jack (her boyfriend) back at home set in and drained Laura out, physically and emotionally. It came to some point where she almost lost her own identity and become like Cat. Rob started to feel and act differently towards Laura when he found out who she really was - the one she has been hiding from everyone. And, he hated the fact that Laura wanted to be invisible when she could be such a great person. As the story unfolds, Laura was forced to choose between who she really was and who it was she wanted to be.

Interesting book! I like the part where friendship was discussed in this novel. True friends won't leave each other, and they will always have our back. I also love the part when Laura picked the charms for the seven people interviewed and how each charm represented each of them meaningfully. Lastly, the ending surprised me. Laura was doing all sorts of adventurous things, going on a hot air balloon in Safari, diving into the sea, skiing... and the inspiration was from her mother, who passed away when she was very young. And, oh, i extremely love this line:

"Brush the floor and sweep the sky"

We gotta go to the very tops and bottoms of the world because we'd feel most alive at the extremes of human experience. I couldn't agree more - that's what I plan to do too! I feel like doing adventurous things helps me to gain a different perspective of life. You discover and learn more about life.

The perfect present could have been the perfect charm-necklace for Cat. Also it could have been the present Laura's mother left for her, that is the charm necklace her mom made for her which tells the story of her life and who she really is. And yes, memories are a gift.

Holiday #7

Too many things i wanted to write.
Too many reasons i think i shouldnt write.

Thinking of some funny things about life and people.

Holiday #6

lies.

Holiday #5

I can't believe i was down with fever and bad sore throat and now flu! What a great combo to kick start my holiday? haha. The worst thing (and the quite ironic fact) is that i can't take medicine or sweat to recover from my fever. Well, cuz i am still doing my patch test. This fever was indeed totally self-recovery!! (Now who says we must see a doctor, or take medicine?) 

Normally i don't take medicine too, but i would wrap myself in thick blanket and get myself to sweat and eventually i would feel better. However, this time round, due to the patch test, i was told i cannot sweat. And i had to sleep with my back on top. Torturing. I ended up waking up with my rib bones in pain and feeling like they would break anytime soon. In order to fight the coldness, i wrapped my legs and arms with blanket, turned on the fan so that my back won't sweat. And so i ended up sweating for my limbs, and not on my back...? I wondered if it really had worked that way. haha! (By the way, the fan was the culprit why i am now down with flu after fever was gone.)

Aaaah, just feel so sick. To add on to that, suddenly got a heavy dose of nostalgic feeling.. sigh. It's like cuz holidays have given me more time to think, to reflect on my life... and there it led me to the past and the shadows i can't seem to move on from... 

Decisions, people, expectations...

Would it upset you if that's the decision i would choose in the end?

Would you think i'm selfish?

Holiday #3

10.11.12

On Saturday I had an awesome morning with kolomee and friends. After that, we went to Kuching International Airport to send our friends off. I always don't know the feeling to be sent off by someone from the airport (Of course, not for travelling purposes, just you know, you meet airport because of study). 

Before going back home, we stopped by Boulevard to grab some good stuff for my brother and sister. A birthday present and two Christmas presents! I hope they love them! :)

At night, went out with a special friend to celebrate 10-11-12 at Mr Ho's Fine Food. The ambiance was superb and the food was really delicious! We both prepared presents to give on that day and yes, i got a mini Lego white grand piano. It's just super adorable!! Apart from that, i also received some extra presents. Wow...all are meaningful ones. Thanks! :)

The long stretched corridor with red curtains.

 

* * *

Holidays, welcome in!

It's FINALLY holiday! I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it's finally here! I already have a long long list of what to do in this holiday, but i think mostly will be working, giving tuition classes, attending music classes, meeting up with friends, sports, reading novels, watching movies, sleeping, and travelling!

The exam was pretty difficult. =/ But anyway, it's over now, so bye and throw it off my head. It's time to relax. I deserve it! Two months holidays! :) Thank God for it!!! :)

Holiday - Day 1

Hello Holiday!

I went out to hunt for lovely presents after meeting with Mdm Angie and the cast and committee members for the upcoming drama next semester. I was supposed to go to this Tribal Scoops (which i've googled and the food just looked heavenly tempting!) this afternoon with sis Grace. However, it's been put off to next week which is a better idea as it won't be rush! So, i had more time to hunt for my presents for a dinner sometime soon! 

Preparing presents is such a wonderful feeling!

At night, went out for an impromptu dinner at Sharing Planet. The food was as usual, awesome and large portion. We really ate till our heart's content! Thank You for the food, Lord! Everyone praised that my dress looked pretty. :D And i proudly told everyone it was given by my cousin, and it was like, for more than 10 years dy! I just added the belt and i guess belt made wonders? :P 

A great start for a holiday!

What is on my mind?

Breathe...breathe...breathe! *gasp for air*

Whoosh, life's been super duper busy than ever! Two major artwork done, at least! I feel a lil bit lighter but still the load of other assignments are still weighing me down. :( When is all this going to end? I know i always jokingly tell my friends "the only time we could stop working is when we're dead" (which is in fact the truth) but now i really just hope i could stop working just for a few days. I need rest! :(

Okay, i'm about to go very disorganized.... jumbled thoughts of many things.

A lot of things are bugging me lately. Talked to friends, mom...perhaps i was too busy living life, and i wasn't really living me myself.

At times, i would pause and look back, recall the things i've done, guilt and regret gushed in and engulfed me instantly. Many things i could have done, i should have done...or shouldn't have done. hmm. Trying to run away and avoid won't solve anything too right...

or is that really the right choice but you just turn the option away and refuse to believe it?

family is often the closest and nearest people you easily neglected. i'm really sorry, mom and dad. However, after the artwork project, i feel a new strong bond formed between each and everyone of us. it feels so warm, and i know it's love.

mistakes.
mistakes.
mis.
takes.

Nosey people.

I know what i'm doing. Before you poke your nose into my life, make sure you know what actually happened first.

These few days i was suddenly fumed with anger again. Thanks to some unsolved issues. Welcome to the world, as my friend would say. There are always people who will try to pull you down. But one thing for sure is, i know what i'm doing. God knows too. And i'm not scared of whatever remarks you will throw about me. But to others, before you poke your nose into my life, start to judge if i did it wrong or bad, make sure you really know what actually happened. Stories can be fake or true, what have you heard? what have you seen? Are they true? Well, get the facts right first before you start labeling others.

Dear Lord, help me to control my emotions

so that i won't do things that upset you.

Erm.......

It has been a long time again! It's July now and seriously, wow... this semester is not for joke. It's just the first few weeks of lecture and i am already feeling the tension and pressure. Feeling like i never had enough time to really do all the things i want, or is it really due to my poor time management? *sigh*

Last week our class, together with the BC group, organized a three-day field trip for Art. It was awesome!!! For almost 12 years in Kuching, i had never stepped into Sarawak Cultural Village until that day! Yes, i know. However, the entrance fee is really expensive. RM15 for students. Wow...:( And the trip was just so fun, get to know more about other unique cultures. ;) Always in my interest.

Life.
is Great!!!

Well, to me, it's just not my style to show everyone that i have problems. But at times, things got into an extent i gotta vent it somewhere. Some people really have to learn life the hard way. sigh. Words and advice can't make them learn. But then again, should i? :( Will it be what God desires in the end if i do it? Stuck in between.

Hmm, nvm, my thoughts are jumbled up now.
Sorry for the very disorganized entry.

Gonna continue to do my work. :)

A new semester!

A new semester, hopefully a new start, and a new chance. :)

The holiday was really awesome! Totally enjoyed it! The Penang trip was so wonderful and i'm truly grateful towards my friend's parents for bringing us around and treated us with Penang's delicious food and all! Woots! What a memorable trip! :) As for KL trip, it was another fun first shopping trip with the sisters! Love it! The nights at hotel and Hindi movie were all fantastic and superb! (Oh by the way, even watching the fan while lying down could also make us giggle!) I wanted to write an entry on it with the all photos, but my laptop has just been reformatted so i lost my bluetooth and Samsung Kies. In other words, i can't transfer the photos! Boohoo! It's okay, we shall wait then. :) 

Back to campus............................. lectures, assignments, presentations, camps and everything..again! First few days lesson, i was really worn out dy. Lectures from morning until evening! And, i have a presentation tomorrow, descriptive and prescriptive grammar. Question mark, question mark! However, thank God that one was 60% done dy. Gotta continue later after watching TV. :D

Yesterday evening, after lecture, went to clean up the chapel with Alynna, Pet, and Miaw. Love to clean chapel. And i really appreciated the time with them, even though it was just laughing at each other, shouting, talking...it's just so wonderful. I wanted to say a prayer for someone, but i didn't get to say. Hopefully i could say it in this week.

By the way, my brother is back, and his hair is super long! haha!

These few days, i've been thinking that this semester may not be easy. :( It's like a playback of last year. *sigh* Things that happened in particular months and all... they are all coming back, again. They are going to remind me of the painful memories. Brace yourself, girl.

1st Week of Holiday

Holiday is always nice! Wheehee!
Gayu Guru Gerai Nyamai! :)

Well, just a review of the past semester. :) Here i go.

For this semester, wow...give thanks to the Lord!!! Tears and pain, joy and laughter, ups and downs... He stretched me and made me grow even wiser. :) Who's your life's focus? What's your life's focus? Hrmmm. Worth to ponder on. Thanks and sorry for all. Have a great holiday! :)
*goodbye!*

That was supposed to be my last Facebook shoutout. :) And yes... am going to de-activate my Facebook. So if you read this, just to let you know from today onwards, contact me via mobile phones, email, WhatsApp, or any other alternatives...:)

True enough, this semester was like crazy. It almost drove me insane. Misunderstandings, conflicts, twisted stories here and there... Humans are really complicated... =/ At a point of time, i asked myself the most ironic question, is forgiving something wrong too? Well, it seemed like when i wanted to forgive someone, it may also make others feel bad about me. But, we have to forgive, cuz if our Father God is already such a forgiving God to forgive ALL our sins, why can't we, at least just forgive others for just ONE mistake they made? Yes, i agree, we are not God, but that's the point, if we are not God, then who are we to hold grudges against others?

Another thing would be my studies. It wasn't going on very well cuz most of the time i was very emotionally affected. :( Moreover, some of the lecture styles totally changed! How could we study with just a few pages of notes? Another thing, i am the type of person who benefits from lectures. :( But, well, at tertiary level, you were told to be independent and look for more information yourselves. However, how can we possibly do that, without a certain amount of input or guidelines so that at least we know we are on the right track, or the materials that we found would be appropriate, and so on? Hmmm. Well, still, we have the responsibility to work it out. So can't put the blame on ineffective lectures.

Well, indeed this semester has been another semester for me to stretch myself even more, and to reach to the limits and explore the world around me. It was an eye-opening semester to many things! People, things, faith, prayers, God's plans Vs human's plans...and well, really a lot of things. But really, thank God cuz i could still be here, sane, and typing some really logical things. haha. (there were some points i thought i might become mad) Well, fingers crossed, hopefully next semester would be a better one! :)

One powerful short sharing from a lecturer just the day before semester break is this:

Who are you living for? Are you living for God or people?

Typical Christians' answer: 

God, but we still live in a reality world, and we are constantly judged by others, evaluated by others, of course we have to.......blah.

NO BUT.

*a smack on the face* WOW! I could literally feel a wake up slap! This lecturer was praying for me and this super short sharing was just so wonderful and enlightening! I know, many times, when i declare that i am living for God, i still somehow evaluate myself through other people, in a way i am living to impress them, living for them. However, to say that you can't be affected by people, well, it is of course difficult. You really need a great capacity of patience. Fuuuh! Which i think from young till now, i just cannot. I care too much from the outside, i suppose. Things i do, what would people think of me if i say this, or do that... Well, really need to learn to get back on the right track!

1st week of holiday is gone... TWO more weeks to go! Yeeha! :) 

Stay strong!

Keep fighting!!

Trust in GOD!

Of flood, new semester, life...

This morning i woke up when the alarm rang, 5:30am.. it was already raining very heavily for hours i suppose. I was too tired so i snoozed the alarm off and went back to sleep, thinking that even if i go earlier to campus today, it will be super jam anyway. So i woke up again an hour later, the water level outside my house was already rising! The drain water was full and had overflown. The water was slowly reaching the fence. Dangg! Mom called back, told me she was stuck in a terrible traffic jam to work, asked me not to go to campus cuz it would be even worse there, and told me to move the stuff in the study room. Do i did, and looking at the water level, i didn't drive out, i just called my class monitor to tell her i won't be going that early, depends on the situation. Had a few calls with friends, and they told me don't need to go to campus dy as the Batu Lintang area was very badly flooded. Soon after, class monitor informed that all lectures were cancelled! Oh well, an unexpected holiday!

However, that doesn't mean i could sleep back! I went downstairs to move all the boxes in my study room upstairs. Now i have my bookshelf in my bedroom. And all the other boxes. My room has turned into a refuge! After all the books-saving effort, i sat down on the sofa and rested. The water level outside the house had stopped rising, time to take a break. Then went to check Facebook, found out shocking news! A form 6 girl was walking to school on the knee-length flooded road after the parents dropped her and she fell into the drain! :((((( Then a cashier who was at the Shell station went to save her, he managed to grabbed her. However, the water current was too strong that both of them got washed away. SAD! In just a flood, two lives are taken. (and this is only near Batu Lintang/Rock Road here, i don't know about other places.) May God bless their souls, and may God grant peace, comfort, and strength to the families who suffered from the loss.

Just how fragile life is...

Yesterday was the first day of lecture. The subjects offered this semester are... hmmm. I'm worried! I just don't seem to be interested in those. Hopefully i could find them interesting soon. =/ Or else, this would be a very dull semester! Really missed those fun and laughter in the class! The first two hours, our lecturer didn't even appear! Worse, we couldn't even contact him. Aduhh. What a good first impression you've made, sir! Anyway, thanks to him too, that the people in the class got to hung around and talked. It has been awhile! Then we had some very short lectures to introduce the subjects. And i was already feeling sleepy! We had our lectures all pushed up to the morning so the afternoon was free! However, i stayed back for some counseling and mind-relieving session. Although in the end i still didn't get my answers, no wait, actually i got my answers, but i know any decisions i make now would be hurting somehow, in different ways. I'm actually totally stuck, whichever move i make, i just can't run away from it. Hmm well, that's just life isn't it?

No matter what mess life throws you, you just gotta fight through it strong!

Yesterday evening, went jogging with Miley. Hooray! Stamina increased a bit! :) Lately i went jogging cuz it can drain my energy and make me tired, then i would be able to sleep at night! Then we met our institute's hokey team! We stopped and watched. Miley and i talked about how much we like guys who do sports, guys who spend time for sports despite hectic life schedules... Wahseh! Back to secondary school.

Then last night... :) I just wanna say thank you to you. Felt a lot better.. :) Really miss it...

When you are overwhelmed by the realities,
don't forget that miracle is there waiting.
When you think that you've lost all hopes,
just remember to rekindle some faith in you.
Even if, it's a tiny little faith you could muster.
A tiny spark of faith could light up all the possibilities in impossibilities.

A tiny squeak of faith could be a deafening call to the Heaven,
and you know, God is definitely going to send His help
and make miracle!

Surrender everything to GOD.

Humans are born strong.

Hello January 2012!

It's 2012 already! The memory of the last day of school during last semester was still fresh. I planned a lot of things to be done during the year end holiday of 2011, but only 10% were carried out as planned. Anyway, the holiday was a plain torture for me. Until now, i'm still greatly affected by it. I decided to come back here as a blogger again so i have a place to vent, and to type out what i feel. Life has really been hard, and somehow i find it meaningless. And i'm losing myself. :(

It's meaningless cuz people run away from the problems instead of facing them with courage. If everytime when problems arise, and you just flee - seriously, life is meaningless. You gotta try! :( I tried my best to encourage you, to motivate you, to give you hope, to assure you... Cuz i hope you could give it another try. It's really wrong to give up now when you had already put in so much effort to make it happen. :( Don't run away.. it gets hard for me to cope it alone. I'm trying to fix it...

Struggling.

And sometimes i really lost balance 'cuz it's really hard to live strong myself, at the same time, encouraging others to live strong too. Sometimes, i feel like who am i to tell the others to be strong, to hold on tight to faith, to believe in His promises...when i am actually losing my strength, my faith, belief, and all?

It hurts to see someone being torn up emotionally. Sometimes you wanted to be there to help that person go through the hardship, but you yourself could hardly save yourself.

Anyway, i'm trying... :(

I'm trying to strengthen myself for those who need help... to be a help to others despite my own need for help. To be me-less so that it can be others-more. So, i just gotta pick my pieces up, strengthen myself, and continue to bless, inspire others and cheer others on in faith.

"imagine hurting someone, making them feel lonely, angry and unloved because you think it's the best for them."

This, is not the way... it will never be the best for anyone. So, please stop doing it. :(((

I will not give up...
Even if it means ending up with wounds and scars all over.

What Every Woman Should Know

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to quit a job, break up with a lover, and confront a friend without; ruining the friendship...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and when to walk away...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves, the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW....
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.. .
whom she can trust, whom she can't, and why she shouldn't take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go... be it to her best friend's kitchen table.. or a charming Inn in the woods.... when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW..
What she can and can't accomplish in a day... a month...and a year...
~ Pamela Redmond Satran