Not Enough.

It’s not enough. You are not good enough, not excellent enough, not rich enough, not wonderful enough, not smart enough, not obedient enough.

Things went very bad lately. Everything is like rolling a downhill. I lost my way, I lost my sense of direction – I lost myself. I just want to be lost in the nothingless. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to retreat myself to a place no one could find me, no one would know me. I want to be all alone, even though I hate to be alone. I just want to be with myself, and no one else.

Why do I have so many doubts in my life all of a sudden? Why everything just does not seem to be OK? This went wrong, that went wrong. EVERYTHING went wrong.

Today I realized how rotten I am. I am such a rotten person deep within. I have been the worst version of myself today. Never in my life I was this out of control. My pride, my wounded heart, misunderstanding – everything – mixed and there it went – a huge explosion! I could not control myself. I woke up at the wrong side of the bed after having a scary dream where I lost my everything in the dream. I was in a foul mood, nothing seemed right from the beginning of the day. I could not understand why I was behaving so badly. I’m really a stinky and rotten girl.

After what happened, I just can’t help it but to really look down on myself. Is this really me? Beneath that thin layer of appearance, is this really me? Nasty. Stinky. Ugly. Extremely disgusting.

I wish I could be a little bit more dispassionate in dealing with troubles in life. I wish I would be more understanding.

I wish I was cared for a little more. Despite the strong character I built, I’m actually vulnerable deep within. Despite being seen as the independent lady who organizes many things, I wanted to be dependent on someone. There are times when I just need to put down my strong self, and be a little girl who needs shelter and protection. I need someone to ask me at the end of a rough day, “How was your day?” or give me a lil dose of encouragement “I think you have done really well today.” Over time, I’ve gotten really tired being strong and trying to do everything myself. I just need someone to see that I need help too, and perhaps, your attention.

Some random thoughts I typed while I was having my me-day. 

Things haven't gotten any better. I wish to get well soon. 

identity crisis.

After weeks of dwelling in this phase of life, i'm ready to share it here. Perhaps, this would help me in seeing things clearer. Writing always helps me to lay out my issues and see things clearly. So...here it goes!

identity crisis [noun]
a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

This is exactly what i am facing and experiencing now. Here are the problems: I recently find myself keep thinking that i am too imperfect, i have no confidence, i'm slacking off, i'm becoming worse, and i just don't fit in anywhere anymore! I constantly find myself doubting the things i am/was (see i am not even sure of it myself!) interested in. I seem to be too absorbed in finding who i really am until i really lost myself. Errr, does that make any sense to you?

I think becoming a twentysomething does affect me, a little. I begin to feel the burden of the responsibilities I carry on my shoulder and I am more aware of every little and big action I do. And most of the time, i wondered if i was really doing what i should do, with what i have, at where i am, to the right people. 

I feel burnt out and find myself ranting all the time over busyness, busyness, and busyness. Commitments. Duties. I need to learn how to reorder my priorities so that I won't wear myself down. Many times, I found myself feeling so exhausted after tonnes of work. Giving tuition classes is really a heavy duty on me as I have to sacrifice and sometimes squeeze out my time for them. Can I really take it? If i cannot do it, i should say no. I think it might take me years or forever to learn to say 'no'.

I also become more sensitive of my appearance. Usually girls experience this during teenage hood, but apparently mine comes later. Oh well~ Anyway, I have a very negative self-image. Most of the time i see myself as ugly. I sighed and felt sad looking at the pretty clothes in my wardrobe. An increase of 1kg would freak me out. I crave for exercises. Real sweating exercises so that it could help me release endorphin which will make me happy. Sadly, it's been raining almost every evenings and i couldn't go enjoy tennis. This is sad. 

Next is...SELF-CONFIDENCE! My self-confidence shrunk! I used to be very confident. Ah, how much i miss the Agnes last time and her great self-confidence. I wish i could become her again. I realized i value myself too lowly. I think about myself as being really small, as being someone not important. Also, I doubt my capabilities. I doubt even the things that I am good at. I doubt if i was meant to be a teacher. I doubt if i could do my job well. Things didn't turn out as i thought and i start to judge and evaluate myself. Is this really for me?

When I meet someone, I become over self-conscious, I am very concerned over how others would look at me. Would they talk to me and feel that I have nothing special in me and get disappointed because I don't measure up to their expectation? Was I doing things the right way? Will it push other people away? Am I good enough? So I became overly careful with the way I bring myself. I tensed up, and when I tensed up, I was not being myself anymore, and things got even worse. 

When I reflect on myself these few months, I really see the impact of my slowly disappearing self-confidence. What has gone wrong? Is it because the strikes of reality that make me aware of the many many imperfections i have in me? Or is it actually because i was over confident last time? Why did my self-confidence desert me? 

My best friend said, "Be happy, be beautiful, be confident". Every word penetrates right through me and wakes me up. I seriously need to collect my self-confidence back. I need to practise my charm - the unspoken aura that comes from within. I need to know and acknowledge my own worth. I need to think I am good, special, and unique in my very own way. I need to appreciate my talents - they are wonderful gifts from God. Why do I have to try so hard to please everyone else? I just have to be the Agnes at her very best. Don't just sparkle, shine! Let your confidence shine and that is the best and most powerful possession i could ever have. I am awesome, capable, and beautiful. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

Yes! My Creator made me the way He wants me to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I declare that His works are wonderful - and that means I am wonderful too because He made me. I need to start to learn to look at myself differently. My Father God sees me and smiles and thinks I am wonderful. I need to look at myself through God's eyes.

Don't just be yourself;

Be the BEST VERSION of yourself.

Missing...

My mind has lots of things which i want to share. However, when i opened this page, i didn't know where to start off with, or which to write.

Okay, i will just be honest and...share what is on my mind...

I miss this...

The little hill top.

Soul-searching, self-reevaluating...

Yes! This is another night where i just couldn't help but feeding myself with unhealthy and heart-breaking activities and making myself getting very very emotional. Sigh! This was what I would do when I had too much time, huh? Perhaps lil Vanessa should come for tuition tonight, or perhaps, i should have gone out and hang out with my girlfriends. Any perhaps but sitting in front of the laptop, eyes glued on the screen, reading and reading some not-so-important-matters. And in the end, i got so stirred up and i'm suddenly feeling so low. 

When I first started blogging, i used to pour everything (and trust me, i mean everything - even the most random thing!) into the blog. I wrote everything that i felt. But then I stopped as I grew slightly more mature. I started to believe that writing feelings out was something very childish, and only emo people would do it. Also, i believed that it somehow proved a negative character of a person or his capabilities to handle and manage problems. And at times, i thought it seemed pathetic as if i had no one to talk to that i'm talking, wait, it's not even talking, that i'm typing it out to a *pause* non-living thing. But i would say NO to that idea again, for now. Venting it out in blogs is therapeutic! Well, for me, I must admit I'm not a very verbal person, my thoughts are more composed when I write them out. Of course I do talk things out and I enjoy doing that, just that somehow it is only effective when I'm talking to the right person. Anyway, so now, I'm back and I still believe in typing things out, documenting every part of my life. After all, this blog is rather private so I suppose I would feel safe here to let out my inner thoughts, any of my confusion, my fear, my worries, my silly dreams, my embarrassing moments...anything.

Isn't it scary that you let go of your confidence just because of the false negative judgements you have on yourself? Worse is, those judgements are made based on how others perceive you, or even what you think others would think of you. Where is your self-worth? You are worth so much more, my dear. However, gaining back the confidence after losing it can take quite some time, and great effort, and constant boost of positive-ness. I need to gain back my confidence! I need to be the confident Agnes back!

I believe i look good. Thus, I am good, and i can be good!

Another thing which frustrates me is that I really never learn to say "NO". I'm always very interested in everything and want to be part of as many things as i could. Yes, I do benefit from participating actively in meaningful activities, but at the same time, i am also wearing myself down. I always forgot the fact that I am a human - a human with flesh, a human with limitations. I guess I've always had the picture of an Iron Woman or some octopus-like wonder woman, or  someone who can split herself when I try to imagine myself. 

Practice saying 'no'. No, no, no...

So the over-ambitious thought of what I could do and what I want to do always brings along with it unnecessary stress and sacrifice of my precious free time. And all these will later become my complaints. 

What's bugging me now?

I've agreed to help out as an adjudicator for Swinburne debate competition tomorrow. It will be a Saturday, and it's the Saturday, the break, i have been longing for for the whole week. I am not sure if i have made the wise decision of spending my whole Saturday there. Well, i hope I would be able to learn something from it as well. I think I will be bringing my camera and perhaps record some sessions to show to my students. Since I have already agreed, I would better just make the best of it. :) Be positive, yes? 

Next, is of course, my Scheme of Work, lesson plans, journal entry, teaching aids...which have to be completed by the end of this weekend. *scream* And i don't really have time. Seriously, why did I make myself so busy with so many things? (See, there goes the complaints.) SIGH! Well, i guess it's another not-enough-rest weekend for me! Embrace it, Aggy!

Then...is that. But i won't elaborate much here. 

Hrmmm. That's all for this post. Feeling slightly better, even though nothing has been solved yet, but at least i've got the attitude fixed. Blogging does help. 

OKAY~ 

A beautiful tomorrow awaits me!

Confused.

Signs? Or what? It's so confusing.
You are attracted, yet you are scared.

I hate it to catch myself murmuring to myself "It's stupid" too often recently.

How hard it is to wait patiently for Your time, Father God.
Teach me to wait for You.
Hold and guard my heart.

;(

I'm just so sick of you.

You could say those things and treat as if nothing has happened.

If that someone never comes to you

It's normal everyone will have this feeling. (Unless if you are asexual then i have nothing to say.) So, let's be open-minded! Let's talk something about this. Well, just from what i have thought about lately. If that someone doesn't come to you, just... let go. It'd be a lot better than playing some kinda guessing game and in the end you guessed it all wrong. :)

To save yourself from being fooled by yourself, to save that someone from feeling guilty because he/she can't give you what you want - - just be cool and let go. :) See, by letting go, you become a super hero!

Sooner or later, it will fade away. It's just a feeling after all. It won't stay too long. :)

The friend in my heart, thank you. :)

Insomnia + realization

I'm drinking warm milk now. It's very unlike me!

Well, i have no choice. This is the one of the solutions i could do besides taking sleeping pills. But i would never give in to sleeping pills. I don't know why too, but i think i have sleeping disorder recently. Insomnia. O_O I'm very worried this time, i must say. This insomnia is very unusual. It's getting worse and worse each time. When i close my eyes, the brain just won't stop working! It's so frustrating, so sickening, so... torturing. :( Plus, i always have to wake up early the next day. Gosh! Please end this torment.

Lately... i've realized that my daddy is getting old. :( Many of my friends used to compliment that my dad looked so young. I used to think so too, but now... i don't think so anymore. The ageing process has left its trail apparently on his life. And i really feel bad seeing the change in him.


I started to realize, you became more absent-minded.
You forgot the outing i told you about.
Yet, i was angry that you forgot.
I'm sorry.

I started to realize, your ears are not as good as before.
You turned the radio loud so that you could listen to it.
Yet, i talked to you in an unfriendly tone to ask you to lower down the volume.
I'm sorry.

I started to realize, you are always trying your best.
You felt guilty that you forgot my outing.
It was the first time i saw you speed on the road.
But please don't do that again, it's dangerous.
And, I'm sorry.

I started to realize, you are always holding your temper.
You were not scolding me,
but i feel as if the silence had just scolded me.
I'm...sorry.

You are always so optimistic, so positive.
You never complained about the stress at work when you are back at home,
you never complained working in the garden fixing things,
you are tired when you are back from work,
but you just lied at the sofa and took quick nap.
You never really showed your care,
but in fact you care for us so much.
Dad, i feel so bad. :'(
I'm sorry that i have not been a good daughter.

But i just wanna say that, I really love you.
Not lying to anyone here, not showing off, not making this up,
but i love you, Dad.

I thank God, for you.
My father, my hero.

Rabbit. Rare-bit.

You kept chasing after the thing you thought was good, but in the end you found out that you have missed out a lot of other better things along the way. What a miss! :(

Yeah, all of a sudden i just realized this fact. That i was too engrossed in chasing something which doesn't belong to me, and let go of many chances that came knocking on the door. You missed out some wonderful things, wonderful people, wonderful happenings...

Regret? A bit. Yes. I should have...really taken it more seriously. It is a miss.

Life still rolls on, people will move on, happenings will be forgotten... there's no way to go back. Well, unless i have the dagger which Prince Persia, Dastan had.

I wanted to say i really appreciate all the time we spent together.

I let the rare-bit go, Geral! :'( A rabbit that jumps out from the magician's hat. A rare-bit that comes jumping into me.

Why didn't i realize? It's only after such a long run when i found out that i was running for nothing, i finally turn back my head and see what i have missed out along the way.

Too focus is a bad thing.
Too determined is another bad thing.

Broken promises.

Hmmmm. Time is so short, so cruel at times. But sometimes, it turns out to be the best medicine. Oh no! I can't concentrate again. :( But i have to. I don't have much time left.

The kite which has its string cut won't be able to fly back. Perhaps, it's time to let go. Let it go, let it fly, in the world it can be truly happy - in the wide blue sky.

Well, it all started with the first broken promise. Then it continues with a string of broken promises. In the end, they all become empty promises. But now i'm trying my best to hold myself aloof from the source. This time, it's me who has broken the promise.

It's dangerous to simply give promises. It is even dangerous to simply believe in promises. From today onwards, don't simply give me any promises. I do not want to listen. Please don't think that you could give any promises which you think you could fulfill, because it's impossible.



Something else which came across my mind but it's not related to this post:
Don't. please don't waste your time on something which is not worth it. You know the answer, so please don't. I have to say sorry. Because of the wrong words used, the wrong feelings expressed.

i wonder if the kite would drop in front of my feet again.
even if so, should i pick it up?

Life's talk.

I've learnt and realized a lot of things lately. At times, i love it when i think a lot. At times, i just hate it. This time, i got the both feelings.

Struggled. Climbed up. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Struggled. Pulled through. :)

At times, life tells you this: It's only when you have climbed high enough, you get the most beautiful view.

I'm not saying that this picture is the most beautiful. This thought is actually something i feel lately: When you are tired of your life now, you must not give up. You might wonder where is the wonderful part of life that God wants you to see. Just go a little further, walked a few steps more, climbed a bit more until you reach that point where you could see the beautiful view. It's only when you have climbed high enough, you get the most beautiful view. If you haven't, maybe you haven't reached that point yet. :)

* * *

Yellow.
under a yellow light
in a bottle of tiny white stones.

you know you can't live long
yet you stands up straight to tell the world

even if my life ends tomorrow
even my shadows tell me to bend down
i am still going to stand up straight
and embrace each day as it comes.

* * *

i wish...

i could
put on the fairy's wings,
wave my magic wand,
and sprinkle some magic dust on myself when things go bad.

* * *

When life gives you a cup of vanilla milk, add a sweet vanilla smiley to it. -agneslzh-

When you find something happy in your life, don't just be happy. Add a smiley to it and really enjoy it to the fullest. Some of the the happiness don't stay long, you know.

* * *

in times of solitude,
you realize
you actually have everything.

* * *

告诉自己别傻了

How have you been?

It's 1:30am now. I am supposed to be asleep by now but i'm not.

Let's track back today's events. :) (or yesterday's events.)

i was sleepy - stole a quick eyes-off in the van while pastor was sending others home - went to cell group - read bible - went to tHe Spring straight after work - marking and packing - went off to work - "it's a gloomy morning." - woke up and took a hot morning shower - frustrated and pressured - opened my eyes.

WAIT.

Something is not right somewhere. Right from the very beginning of the day.

i was sleepy - stole a quick eyes-off in the van while pastor was sending others home - went to cell group - read bible - went to tHe Spring straight after work - marking and packing - went off to work - "it's a gloomy morning." - woke up and took a hot morning shower - frustrated and pressured - opened my eyes.

I guess everything started not so good right from the beginning of the day. =| Well, having to force myself to wake up early in a holiday is a great torture! :( I feel so bad for myself, for not being able to enjoy the holidays. It's just going to be FOUR weeks. No no, it has just reminded me: only TWO weeks left. OWHH! :'(

It's really late now and i don't feel like typing lots of words, so just a very brief update.

I've finally tidied my study table!

After a week of procrastination, i finally picked up my lazy self to tidy it. It took me days to remove those Form 6 and Form 5 books from my shelves and table. And it took me two days to sort out the whole stack of paper. I made some shelves out of boxes!

I've finished watching this! Tamna Island.

I LOVE IT! It's such a cute love story. It's based on traditional setting, in Ji Zhou Island. I like Park-Kyu in this story. (The one holding the hat.) Why? I like his personality, his views on life, of choices he should make in life, he's thoughtful but he's keeping all the things inside, he cries. He is always serious, mysterious, and courteous. He has a very radiant smile when he smiles, but he doesn't smile a lot because of his attitudes towards his work. He stands up for the girl he likes and protects her from any insults or bullies from other people. He takes care of the girl when she's ill. He doesn't care if the girl knows he was there to watch over her for the whole night to make sure her fever subside. Ah... :)

saw this in newspaper today.

Hmmmmm. I am happy! It's even better if i could escape the bond for government. If it is so, if i'm not selected, then, i would have the chance to complete my dreams! :) What a good news! Perhaps, i could spend a few months in oversea, go to the university there as a student under student exchange programme. Meet people from other places, people who live far far at the other side of the sea. Experience, explore... Well, that is when i will have a really LONG holidays! Long enough for me to do the things i really wanna do in this stage of my life. Or perhaps, i could travel to places and become a journalist. :D Travel on cruise? Try EVERY job i wanted to try. Bridal studio. More and moreee! :)

*pop bubbles pop bubbles*

I still have, four and a half year to go. Soon, it will be the anniversary of "The Twist of My Story". Hmm. It has almost been one year. Sometimes i feel things have changed, but sometimes i just don't think they have changed much. =/ But what i would tell myself is: it's really something no one can answer. So just save those "Why why why's", the plan is too big for me to understand. :)

While most of the students would do in holiday is to enjoy to the max, i feel like i'm totally the opposite. My boss, the instructor of the tuition center called me and i went back to work. Frankly speaking, i'm sick of it. It's not because of the insrtuctor treated me badly or something. It's the job itself. It's a repetitive job! It's too easy and too boh-riiiinngggg. (=boring) Oh wait, i take back the work "easy", it isn't! You know what, i guided Add Math students in the last lesson. I felt safe walking around speaking as if i-know-it-all-very-well with the answer books in my hand. ;) Whenever i didn't know how to answer, i would quickly open the book, study the answers together with the steps. Then i would walk back to the student, and explained it easily. This is the teacher's secret. HAHAHAHAHA. It's not my fault, i really forgot those creepy formulas when i'm no longer using them. And the chapter that they were doing was Quadratic functions, which is the chapter i hate a lot. Drawing graphs, blah blah... If it's Trigonometry or Triangles and Solutions or some other topic is still not bad. But graphs, finding roots, finding the equations...Save me! Plus, the standard of the Add Math questions is a lot harder because it's based on O-level and A-level standard. You get pretty difficult "form 5" and "form 6" Add Math questions in the worksheet. There were times i didn't understand the working steps provided in the answer books. I asked my instructor about the steps, only then i knew, it's form 6 Math! I didn't even learn those...

Okay okay, now here is a really BAD news!

I still have work at 9am tomorrow! I have to reach the center before 845am. :( Yeah yeah yeah... i have to WAKE UP EARLY. And why am i still up now? It's almost 230am. Five hours to sleep. Hmm. :( Anyways, it's the LAST day of work!!! :D

Yeeeeeepieeee!

How have you been?
Me?
I think i'm getting used to it now. :)

Guardian angel.

Some people walked into your life,
drew rainbows and made everything perfect,
accompanied you through the scariest storm,
shielded you from the rain,
warmed you when it's cold,
listened to you when you're lonely,
talked to you to make you feel good,
cared for you to make you feel loved,
did everything to just to make you laugh,
stayed with you when you were about to cry,
lighted up the path, reminded you to cling on to God,
guided when you were lost,
just like a guardian angel,
made you see a different you,
a special you,
a strong you,
a beautiful you,
a cheerful you,
a wonderful you.

But all of a sudden the guardian angel just left.
Leaving all the wonderful things behind for you -
beautiful yet empty.

You still see his shadow once in a while,
in places where he left traces,
in places where he sprinkled magic dust.

They walked out,
leaving the beautiful sad memories behind.

Volcanic erruption

Tuesday . 27th April 2010

Nope, this is not about the volcanic eruption in Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland. Anyways, volcanic eruption is good. It actually cools down the Earth. Likewise, my case too. :)


It has been a while...

You know what i have learnt about life recently? Precious wonderful things, as well as nasty horrible things. Sometimes in the day i felt so overjoyed and loved; sometimes in the day, i was overwhelmed by a gush of mixed emotions.

It's been a while... since i last played my favourite songs on the piano.
It's been a while... since i last watched a romantic tear-jerking movie.
It's been a while... since i last really enjoyed doing something i miss so much.

I don't know what happened. But i can feel only the sad impact on my life. I have no idea what caused it, hence i have no idea how to solve it. I'm losing my purposes of living and i can no longer hold on to faith.

Last Sunday while i was teaching the teenagers, I told them wonderful things about living. I told them that life is a gift from God, not everyone is so lucky to live long. So we should be grateful that at least, we live until today. I showed them a clip about loving and appreciating life. It's a very simple yet touching clip where they have recorded what the children suffered from cancer said. They were so desperate to fight on and live another; yet on the very contrary, there are people (like me) who grumble about life as each new day comes. There are people (like me) who complain that it's a total torment and suffering to live another day where there are people who are dying, insist to continue fighting, fighting and fighting. There were also people buried under the ground for weeks due to earthquake yet still cling on hope. It's simply because living is such a wonderful gift not many people can have the opportunity to have. I told the teenagers to list down things they would want to do in life before they die. I collected every of their papers and read them. Strong emotions stirring inside me as I read their dreams and things they want to do. I felt a tinge of sympathy and sadness as i ran through their lists of "I wish i could...". It reminded me - i was once just like that too.

I felt happy when i looked into their eyes. What i had told them must have had touched them. However, i felt sad too because I know the things i had just told them, are IRONIC.

I was once so anticipated over my future. I was once so enthusiastic over my life. I've planned everything, imagined everything, dreamt of everything i wish to do and to be until i could even smile when i was sleeping. Things were wonderful. Not until Mr. Reality stepped into my life and cut the ground from under my feet. He cruelly grabbbed away my everything - imagination, hope, dreams... And now sometimes in my sleepless hours, I would stare into the dark and wonder why am i working so hard? Why am i doing this when i don't even like it? Why my life has changed so drastically? Why things changed? Why people changed? Why things keep missing? How long am i gonna live? How long am i gonna endure all this? How am i gonna deal with things? How am i gonna persevere? How am i gonna let go off things? How am i gonna live in denial? How strong am i to say i don't care? How long can i flash a fake smile to the world? How long can i hold my tears back?

endless questions... not many answered.

growing pains - that's why i never liked growing up.

Ever since... i had a 'new life'. I'm a changed person, physically and mentally. Physically. I hear my body complain. How would i know? It's my body. My skin allergy just doesn't seem to get any better. In fact, it's worsening. I dislike air-conditioner. Very unfortunately i have to study in air-conditioned rooms everyday, with the temperature that could turn my nail purple. And yes, those who know me, i literally dry up when i'm in an air-cond room. Not only my moisture is sucked up, my brain juice as well. Thus, it makes me think slower and i don't think it could make me study any better. Besides that, I kept getting stomach ache and diarrhoea. :( The gruelling schedules and lots of other activities really would tire me and wear me out. I feel like...i'm slowly destroying myself. But i know, this is college life, i shouldn't complain over it. I should be grateful instead.

Mentally. I have turned into a pessimist. A serious one, at some point. I don't want it to be like this. It just...happened. :( I learnt to bottle my feelings up, i learnt to be selfish, i learnt to be ignorant, i learnt to be evil. Whatever i have encountered in life has poisoned my mind, changed me into someone i could hardly recognize. The melancholy element in me is gradually expanding. I find learning things something boring at times. I have to keep telling myself, forcing my mind and my body and to go on, to adapt. The school work alone is not enough for the suffering, still added on by other other miscellaneous problems. Being human is so difficult. And the fact that my freedom is totally restricted in here makes me blue. :( Many times, i had planned some de-stress activities but they all went awry. Sad, isn't? There would always be some last minute activities/lectures coming up. It's as though once you are in, you sold your soul and everything to them! What is left of me? A puppet that chases after the schedules. NO LIFE at all! Somehow i feel that, to enjoy has become a sin.

I kinda like the what a friend of mine told me this morning:

"Planning ahead is good. It's just that you forgot to plan the cushion for your fall." :)

Lately, i'm really falling apart and losing my grips. And this is also something worrying: my spiritual life went down too. Gotta pick myself up! I feel so ashamed in front of God, that i have such a small faith. Small faith! Small faith! I can lose all the other things but i must not lose faith. God, please hold my hand and lead me to walk steadily; not to fumble and stumble when it's dark.

I want a BIG faith!

Well, i guess i have let out some unhappiness from my full bottle. A bit cooled off. :) There's still a whole list of things awaiting for me to accomplish. Just can't pick up the happy mood. =/ Tired of pretending. :( Owkay i guess the time doesn't permit me to write long, i would better sign off now.

cling on tight.

More mountains to go!

Sunday . 11th April 2010

A few highlights of the activities in the English Language Week 2010.

School visit to St. Mary.

woooooooooooooooh!

Looks good!

Weird posing after my influence. :p

09/04/2010 – It was not a good day for me at all. I would say that the bad thing started the night before. I stayed up all night to finish the slide show for tonight. SLEEPLESS. I did not sleep at all! T.T So the morning I was really extremely tired. But we had to leave the hostel at 530am because of...

Fire! Fire! not

It looked as if it’s on fire but it wasn’t in fact. It was due to fogging.

The spying moon.

I was sitting on the ground looking at the moon and the dark sky. Thinking something and sometimes just starring blankly into the dark sky.

I was actually waiting for the sunrise. But cancelled the plan because i still had work waiting for me to do.

Okay, so the even worse day started when I met my lecturer who asked me impatiently where the programme list for the cosplay was. I felt so ashamed and guilty too for always telling her “Oh not yet not yet.” Sigh. Then there went the bad mood. Coming to another lecturer’s class, she actually talked to me about this in front of the whole class, that the other lecturers didn’t know about the cosplay. I did print the form and pass ask the boys to pass it to the lecturers. But unfortunately, as a leader, you have to receive all this complaints. She expressed her disappointments and asked me to do the things she wanted me to do quickly. So I left the class, walked outside the library, back to the hostel. The whole journey back was tough. I kept telling myself “Yes, it’s not your fault, yes you are stressed but hold your tears, hold your tears.” But I know I couldn’t do it anymore, this time. I rush into my room and then instantly broken into tears. I was so stressed out. :(

Then after i had done the short script for Deputy Director, i went to Koperasi to photocopy. The trouble just continued. I needed to pay 50 cents, but i only have one RM10 note in my purse, no coins. The woman at the Koperasi didn't want it, she said she had no change. Well, what to do? So i went to cafeteria but the lady at the counter didn't want to change for me. She just let me stood there. I couldn't wait anymore so i just walked around asking who has the small change for RM10. No one had. Plus it was lecture hour so i couldn't really find anyone around that place. SIGH. I went back to the counter, asked her again. She sounded so frustrated. She opened the cashier machine and gave me what i wanted. I felt so pathetic. Goodness. Hate it.

Then lots of rushing here and there... Miss Fraulein treated everyone of us for lunch, but i just ordered a drink. Talked to her about the preparation for cosplay. I frankly told her it was not well prepared, lots of things we did not know how to do or we missed out the things we ought to do. Really stressed out. I hadn't even had a proper meal for two days. :(

Finally, afternoon, we had Line Dancing session with Mdm Angie and the other lecturers. It was great and fun! First time seeing Mdm Angie so active running here and there. And also, it was my first time seeing her in sneakers. :) I've decided to join them every Thursday! Get to exercise too eh!

Then the night, goodness. Totally stressed out. There was an internal conflict. First time facing it. "We thought that you were intelligent, you were good and we respected you, now see what happened? 5$#&*#" *deeply hurt* I suddenly didn't know what to do. Did not know how to carry on with the activity that night. I went out of the hall, thinking of who to call, or who to ask for help. Some faces appeared in my mind but I shook my head so that the blurry faces will disappear. I know it makes no difference. What was i hoping? Someone to jump to me and say, "D c, i n i w c w y."?? But no no no. Just forget about it. 

So i just texted the person who scolded me just now, and apologized. He replied sorry and said he didn't mean it. He said he was just stressed out. (Yeah, everyone was! But that's not the way to release your stress on someone else. I never did that. The things that they did not do well, i took them and did it for them. Ended up my workload kept on adding.) Luckily it was solved and the whole night even ran smoothly. :) Thank God, thank God. Mdm Angie gave me a big kiss. hehe. :D And i'm relieved it's finally over. But then, the slide show which i stayed up to do whole night, wasn't even played! Lecturer said we're running out of time so skipped that one. So sad you know. WASTED. Anyways, i can't rest yet. Still got more things coming up. I gotta be strong.

Consequences of a SLEEPLESS night:
1. Walked into a pole. *ouch* got a bump on my forehead.
2. Fell asleep while reading a book in church yesterday evening.
3. Kicked something hard because i did not see it.
4. Hurt my toe when opened the door.

I want it to be OVER.

seeing something different.

Monday . 22nd March 2010

Run towards your dream!

Went to a camp, learnt a lot of things!! :) I feel like i have grown a little. :D Praise Lord! Hmm, i actually wanted to type out a lot of things regarding on the camp, it taught me a lot of things. First time cried in a camp listening to real life stories; first time sleeping on a bunk bed (was sleeping on the top alone, very scary i tell you! i didn't know which side to turn to at night. empty beds besides me.); first time shared on photography experience with some adults (they are really nice people); first time had my sand fight (the enemy was ah wei stupid boy who gets jealous easily.); first time took bath with *euuurrrk* erm, water which looked like coffee; first time praising people so many times in four days! Lot's of new things. It was a good try! :)

Good thing, good thing.... here comes the BAD THING! I got bitten by those super poisonous wild insects. The bites are swollen now. Sobs. They are very irritating, itchy, and painful when you touch them. Not again not again not again.

big SIGH.

I learnt to be patient, learnt to praise, learnt to appreciate... And the most important thing i learnt from this camp is about dream. It is always a sensitive issue which will stir my feelings up. However, after this, i think i am going to face it with a stronger heart. I can't just stay like this forever. It's time to change my mindset.

每一个梦想都一定会经过考验。
不要为了盲目地追求自己的梦想而伤害爱你的人。

How true. Eric's sharing touched me a lot, i cried and i realized how self-centered i was. Then, from one of the game in Team Building, there's one game where the whole group had to cross over a string, hand in hand. The sharing and the game were like a wake up knock. They might be wrong at killing me dream, or snatching it away from me. BUT i was even wrong for doing all the things i have done, for saying all the words which hurt them. :(

梦想，梦想。如果到最后弄到其他的人受伤，爱你的人为你心痛，大家都不开心 - - 那么那个梦想到底有什么用啊？曾经很自私地认为所有的人都很坏，不过到最后，自己应该才是那个不迁就别人的人吧？

[I will upload the photos soon in Facebook, maybe next week.]

Holidays are over. SO FAST! It wasn't a holiday anyway. Yesterday went out with Pastor, Ah Wei, Lanny after church to The Hills shopping mall for lunch. After that went out with Amy to watch Alice in the Wonderland 3D!!! It turned out to be a continuation of the story of Alice after she had grown up. I like the last part where there was a modern dance by the hatter.

Alice in the Wonderland

Too bad the time was really not enough, only managed to watch a movie then walked around for awhile. Then Amy's daddy sent me home. I like her daddy. So "young", so funny... hehe. He asked me already got boyfriend or not. I replied 'no' then he said must be daring to look for the one i love, don't wait for him to make the move. If not, the guy will go away. LOL!!! He said now the world has changed; the girls can go after the boys. :) And he says to find the true love, must pray specifically. :) What kinda boy you want - smart, handsome, bla bla...

Anyways, now i'm sooooo busy with things. My life. My studies. Well, i got no time. I have tried, but i think i can't. So, yeah. I dunno if the things i am doing now are giving the wrong signals or what, but just wanna clarify that i'm not planning on anything right now. I just like the time i spent together with you all. Laughing and fooling around. Text you when i am bored. Well, but i still believe in waiting. :) If you want the answer, ask again on my birthday this year. Perhaps I will answer you honestly this year.*

Ooh, and i just got my phone back. Hmm, lost ALL the messages. Well, perhaps, it is an indication, an indication that i should move on and start all over again with nothing. :) Feeling good for this, though i miss the time in the past, though i still want to hold on to the memories. But no no no, i'm gonna let them go, one by one, or all at once. I don't want to be entangled in the past. anymore.

Two exams papers are given back. Kinda disappointed. Will talk about it more after i have gotten all the papers back. Gonna be super busy this week. Lots of things to do, lots of activities, lots of preparation to be done. HEADACHE!

In JUNE holiday, i just want to sit at home, doing nothing, starring aimlessly at the ceiling, asking myself, "what should i do?" :p or perhaps, if i really can't stand the state where i have nothing to do, i will just find something i enjoy doing. Currently have one plan in mind. :D

Next movie...

How to train your dragon :D

A new start.
Goodbye, you!

bee wings.

Friday . 12th March 2010

Sigh. I just can't take off my bee wings......yet!

I wonder, when, WHEN can i take them off and have a real good holiday. :( I thought i would be free after my exam finished. But, i was wrong - totally absolutely wrong! Life is getting busier and more packed. At times, feel like i really can't cope anymore. I'm at the verge already!! I need to de-stress!!!

Exam just ended. Hooray......WAIT FIRST. It's too early for that. The sad thing is, the really really sad thing is - it also symbolizes my busy life's starting. Ahh, i would rather sit for exams everyday! Seriously. I don't mind at all. Actually i am supposed to go back to school tomorrow morning for dancing practice but i cannot. Amy and her friends are here in Kuching, gotta meet up somehow. I've already missed the first night with them due to exams. (Should have gone out actually.)

Tomorrow morning: outing with Amy, Tit & friends. (still planning) Afternoon: meeting at church for songs and worship night, or something about that (i still don't have a clear picture yet what is it about.)

Sunday morning: gonna teach Sunday school teens. Afternoon: meeting at main church regarding the camp from 17-20/04/2010 at Camp Pueh.

Monday + Tuesday: going back to school to work on our exhibition's display on a mega book fair. 118 schools are coming over. My goodness. Lots of work to do. (btw, i'm bringing Gracie to school along on that book fair.)

Wed-Sat : Youth Camp at Camp Pueh.

Then...school starts again.

27th March: Scholastic Book Fair
5-9/04/2010 : Language Week (we are the organizing team)
7-9/04/2010 : Language Camp

May : Dramatization of Shakespeare's Much Ado About Nothing.

2 assignments due after holiday. SOOOO many things to do. Feel like crying. Can i, can i, say quit now? I'm really tired of being busy. I'm frustrated over the things we actually don't have to do but are forced to do. Don't push me to go any further anymore.

and i'm disappointed at something which hurts me a lot. You. I don't know why. I don't understand why. But if i did something wrong that offended you, please just let me know instead of replying me...coldly. Why are you replying text messages so shortly nowadays? It doesn't feel good. Why is it not like before anymore? It's getting colder and colder. Just because of the reply, it really makes me wonder if i should reply again. The conversations that we enjoyed last time, can we have it again? Was it because of something that i have done? Tell me ok? Look, i'm trying my best to keep it going already, but it's a mutual thing. I hope you understand that now, i am not posting this here to tell the whole world how bad i think you have been. I just can't stand it anymore, cuz the changes i feel from you, are hurting me a lot. I wanted to let you know how i feel, but i don't know if i should. So i just post it here, if you know it's referring to you. Do something. Tell me if it's my problem.



What i have learnt tonight:
1. Don't struggle anymore. No matter how hard you struggle, you can only be and stay as what you are at now.
2. After you have made a decision, DON'T REGRET. (don't give others a chance to throw you any pity expression.)
.
.
.
and more.

By the way. Morning outing canceled. No more Rafflesia :'(

Eyes on Me

I love this song form Final Fantasy VIII. And if you are reading this, this is for you.

Whenever sang my songs
On the stage, on my own
Whenever said my words
Wishing they would be heard
I saw you smiling at me
Was it real or just my fantasy?
You'd always be there in the corner
Of this tiny little bar

My last night here for you
Same old songs, just once more
My last night here with you?
Maybe yes, maybe no
I kind of liked it your way
How you shyly placed your eyes on me
Did you ever know
That I had mine on you?

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

So let me come to you
Close as I want to be
Close enough for me
To feel your heart beating fast
And stay there as I whisper
How I love your peaceful eyes on me
Did you ever know That I had mine on you?

Darling, so share with me
Your love if you have enough
Your tears if you're holding back
Or pain if that's what it is
How can I let you know
I'm more than the dress and the voice
Just reach me out then
You will know that you're not dreaming

Darling, so there you are
With that look on your face
As if you're never hurt
As if you're never down
Shall I be the one for you
Who pinches you softly but sure
If frown is shown then
I will know that you are no dreamer

A very lovely song. Find it a little melancholic as well. Oh well, this kinda song is my favourite. :)