Not Enough.

It’s not enough. You are not good enough, not excellent enough, not rich enough, not wonderful enough, not smart enough, not obedient enough.

Things went very bad lately. Everything is like rolling a downhill. I lost my way, I lost my sense of direction – I lost myself. I just want to be lost in the nothingless. I want to escape. I want to run away. I want to hide. I want to retreat myself to a place no one could find me, no one would know me. I want to be all alone, even though I hate to be alone. I just want to be with myself, and no one else.

Why do I have so many doubts in my life all of a sudden? Why everything just does not seem to be OK? This went wrong, that went wrong. EVERYTHING went wrong.

Today I realized how rotten I am. I am such a rotten person deep within. I have been the worst version of myself today. Never in my life I was this out of control. My pride, my wounded heart, misunderstanding – everything – mixed and there it went – a huge explosion! I could not control myself. I woke up at the wrong side of the bed after having a scary dream where I lost my everything in the dream. I was in a foul mood, nothing seemed right from the beginning of the day. I could not understand why I was behaving so badly. I’m really a stinky and rotten girl.

After what happened, I just can’t help it but to really look down on myself. Is this really me? Beneath that thin layer of appearance, is this really me? Nasty. Stinky. Ugly. Extremely disgusting.

I wish I could be a little bit more dispassionate in dealing with troubles in life. I wish I would be more understanding.

I wish I was cared for a little more. Despite the strong character I built, I’m actually vulnerable deep within. Despite being seen as the independent lady who organizes many things, I wanted to be dependent on someone. There are times when I just need to put down my strong self, and be a little girl who needs shelter and protection. I need someone to ask me at the end of a rough day, “How was your day?” or give me a lil dose of encouragement “I think you have done really well today.” Over time, I’ve gotten really tired being strong and trying to do everything myself. I just need someone to see that I need help too, and perhaps, your attention.

Some random thoughts I typed while I was having my me-day. 

Things haven't gotten any better. I wish to get well soon. 

Dear self,

please, start to work!!!

I would always...spend 1 hour stressing myself out and tensing myself up...
Another 1 hour to only start looking at the work, then i would think of how impossible it is...
another 1 hour to slowly draft my plan out, doing, sighing, building up the momentum...
another 1 hour to finally get the momentum going...
by that time.......... I would have not enough time to complete my work.
ARGH. this . is . so . stressful.

identity crisis.

After weeks of dwelling in this phase of life, i'm ready to share it here. Perhaps, this would help me in seeing things clearer. Writing always helps me to lay out my issues and see things clearly. So...here it goes!

identity crisis [noun]
a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

This is exactly what i am facing and experiencing now. Here are the problems: I recently find myself keep thinking that i am too imperfect, i have no confidence, i'm slacking off, i'm becoming worse, and i just don't fit in anywhere anymore! I constantly find myself doubting the things i am/was (see i am not even sure of it myself!) interested in. I seem to be too absorbed in finding who i really am until i really lost myself. Errr, does that make any sense to you?

I think becoming a twentysomething does affect me, a little. I begin to feel the burden of the responsibilities I carry on my shoulder and I am more aware of every little and big action I do. And most of the time, i wondered if i was really doing what i should do, with what i have, at where i am, to the right people. 

I feel burnt out and find myself ranting all the time over busyness, busyness, and busyness. Commitments. Duties. I need to learn how to reorder my priorities so that I won't wear myself down. Many times, I found myself feeling so exhausted after tonnes of work. Giving tuition classes is really a heavy duty on me as I have to sacrifice and sometimes squeeze out my time for them. Can I really take it? If i cannot do it, i should say no. I think it might take me years or forever to learn to say 'no'.

I also become more sensitive of my appearance. Usually girls experience this during teenage hood, but apparently mine comes later. Oh well~ Anyway, I have a very negative self-image. Most of the time i see myself as ugly. I sighed and felt sad looking at the pretty clothes in my wardrobe. An increase of 1kg would freak me out. I crave for exercises. Real sweating exercises so that it could help me release endorphin which will make me happy. Sadly, it's been raining almost every evenings and i couldn't go enjoy tennis. This is sad. 

Next is...SELF-CONFIDENCE! My self-confidence shrunk! I used to be very confident. Ah, how much i miss the Agnes last time and her great self-confidence. I wish i could become her again. I realized i value myself too lowly. I think about myself as being really small, as being someone not important. Also, I doubt my capabilities. I doubt even the things that I am good at. I doubt if i was meant to be a teacher. I doubt if i could do my job well. Things didn't turn out as i thought and i start to judge and evaluate myself. Is this really for me?

When I meet someone, I become over self-conscious, I am very concerned over how others would look at me. Would they talk to me and feel that I have nothing special in me and get disappointed because I don't measure up to their expectation? Was I doing things the right way? Will it push other people away? Am I good enough? So I became overly careful with the way I bring myself. I tensed up, and when I tensed up, I was not being myself anymore, and things got even worse. 

When I reflect on myself these few months, I really see the impact of my slowly disappearing self-confidence. What has gone wrong? Is it because the strikes of reality that make me aware of the many many imperfections i have in me? Or is it actually because i was over confident last time? Why did my self-confidence desert me? 

My best friend said, "Be happy, be beautiful, be confident". Every word penetrates right through me and wakes me up. I seriously need to collect my self-confidence back. I need to practise my charm - the unspoken aura that comes from within. I need to know and acknowledge my own worth. I need to think I am good, special, and unique in my very own way. I need to appreciate my talents - they are wonderful gifts from God. Why do I have to try so hard to please everyone else? I just have to be the Agnes at her very best. Don't just sparkle, shine! Let your confidence shine and that is the best and most powerful possession i could ever have. I am awesome, capable, and beautiful. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

Yes! My Creator made me the way He wants me to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I declare that His works are wonderful - and that means I am wonderful too because He made me. I need to start to learn to look at myself differently. My Father God sees me and smiles and thinks I am wonderful. I need to look at myself through God's eyes.

Don't just be yourself;

Be the BEST VERSION of yourself.

I'm awesome me!

Awesome is not awesome without me.

You must first believe that you can make it!

Once in a while, you would need a little boost of confidence, a little push to go even further. So, here I am, cheering myself to keep going on! I know this sounds crazy, but yeah... Sometimes, that little boost of confidence, that little push, that little affirmation, that little motivation, should come from you yourself!

I want to just take a few minutes, to praise myself for how awesome I have been! I'm currently having my precious, precious holiday...and everyone knows that my holidays are never free! Perhaps it's me, I would go crazy if i were to idle around and do nothing - i just need to occupy myself with things to do. And when I do that, I'm complaining my life is too packed. 

In this holiday, I have
(a) two assignments to complete
(b) practicum files which i need to keep up-to-date
(c) tennis
(d) meet ups with friends
(e) tidy my stuff
(f) Vanessa's tuition
(g) Form 1 History tuition
(h) outings
(i) one novel to finish
(j) pupils' work which i need to tidy, file up, decorate and display
(k) next week's lesson plans to plan and teaching aids to make

Wow wow wow...

How can i manage all?
So far so good, but honestly, i'm almost worn down! :(
Holiday is coming to an end...
And, right now, i feel giddy when I try to stand up or just look at things around me.

Father God, hold me before I break... 

Let me draw strength from You...

A disturbed mind.

Lord, my mind is so disturbed recently.
There are too many thoughts and feelings jumbled up on my mind.
How much i wanted to get rid off those...
I've tried hard but to no avail.

Lord, I've made so many mistakes.
Will You still forgive me and love me, Lord?
Can I still be a brand new person and embrace a brand new chance, Father?
I can't help but to sometimes think that all these i'm experiencing now are because of my own mistakes.

Lord, I feel so ashamed thinking about my past.
All the childish things that I've done,
all the unthoughtful words that I've uttered,
all the disobedient moments I had with You.

I feel so daunted by the future.
I can't figure out where I am standing now and where I will be heading to.
I wish to see clear signs or even a revelation,
I want them so clear that I am very sure that I am on the right path.
But why do I feel so afraid now?

I need an affirmation.
I need encouragement.
I need You to tell me it's all right.
I need a hug, or even a touch will do.
I need to feel Your presence.
I need to embrace in You and feel Your warm peace flowing in my heart.

Lord, what are the messages behind these mess this time?
Please show me. Break me if You need to.
Father, I need You.
I need You to make me whole.

This feeling of being lost in nowhere is terrifying.
Choices, mistakes, people, commitments...
Lord, teach me how to face all these.
Lord, guide me so that I could confront them.

Soul-searching, self-reevaluating...

Yes! This is another night where i just couldn't help but feeding myself with unhealthy and heart-breaking activities and making myself getting very very emotional. Sigh! This was what I would do when I had too much time, huh? Perhaps lil Vanessa should come for tuition tonight, or perhaps, i should have gone out and hang out with my girlfriends. Any perhaps but sitting in front of the laptop, eyes glued on the screen, reading and reading some not-so-important-matters. And in the end, i got so stirred up and i'm suddenly feeling so low. 

When I first started blogging, i used to pour everything (and trust me, i mean everything - even the most random thing!) into the blog. I wrote everything that i felt. But then I stopped as I grew slightly more mature. I started to believe that writing feelings out was something very childish, and only emo people would do it. Also, i believed that it somehow proved a negative character of a person or his capabilities to handle and manage problems. And at times, i thought it seemed pathetic as if i had no one to talk to that i'm talking, wait, it's not even talking, that i'm typing it out to a *pause* non-living thing. But i would say NO to that idea again, for now. Venting it out in blogs is therapeutic! Well, for me, I must admit I'm not a very verbal person, my thoughts are more composed when I write them out. Of course I do talk things out and I enjoy doing that, just that somehow it is only effective when I'm talking to the right person. Anyway, so now, I'm back and I still believe in typing things out, documenting every part of my life. After all, this blog is rather private so I suppose I would feel safe here to let out my inner thoughts, any of my confusion, my fear, my worries, my silly dreams, my embarrassing moments...anything.

Isn't it scary that you let go of your confidence just because of the false negative judgements you have on yourself? Worse is, those judgements are made based on how others perceive you, or even what you think others would think of you. Where is your self-worth? You are worth so much more, my dear. However, gaining back the confidence after losing it can take quite some time, and great effort, and constant boost of positive-ness. I need to gain back my confidence! I need to be the confident Agnes back!

I believe i look good. Thus, I am good, and i can be good!

Another thing which frustrates me is that I really never learn to say "NO". I'm always very interested in everything and want to be part of as many things as i could. Yes, I do benefit from participating actively in meaningful activities, but at the same time, i am also wearing myself down. I always forgot the fact that I am a human - a human with flesh, a human with limitations. I guess I've always had the picture of an Iron Woman or some octopus-like wonder woman, or  someone who can split herself when I try to imagine myself. 

Practice saying 'no'. No, no, no...

So the over-ambitious thought of what I could do and what I want to do always brings along with it unnecessary stress and sacrifice of my precious free time. And all these will later become my complaints. 

What's bugging me now?

I've agreed to help out as an adjudicator for Swinburne debate competition tomorrow. It will be a Saturday, and it's the Saturday, the break, i have been longing for for the whole week. I am not sure if i have made the wise decision of spending my whole Saturday there. Well, i hope I would be able to learn something from it as well. I think I will be bringing my camera and perhaps record some sessions to show to my students. Since I have already agreed, I would better just make the best of it. :) Be positive, yes? 

Next, is of course, my Scheme of Work, lesson plans, journal entry, teaching aids...which have to be completed by the end of this weekend. *scream* And i don't really have time. Seriously, why did I make myself so busy with so many things? (See, there goes the complaints.) SIGH! Well, i guess it's another not-enough-rest weekend for me! Embrace it, Aggy!

Then...is that. But i won't elaborate much here. 

Hrmmm. That's all for this post. Feeling slightly better, even though nothing has been solved yet, but at least i've got the attitude fixed. Blogging does help. 

OKAY~ 

A beautiful tomorrow awaits me!

lingering thoughts...

I really dislike it when i delay sprinkling my thoughts here and finding it difficult to type what i wanted to record down in this blog. Anyway, some of the thoughts which keep lingering on my mind:

I want to stop humiliating myself by all the stupid thoughts and actions. 

I must be more independent. 

I must be an emotionally and spiritually strong lady.

I want to be better.

I am not weak, and you can't hurt me. 

I will fight through it strongly!

Keep shining, but don't get burned out.
Keep believing, but don't dream too much.

Yes, you can accomplish so much more than this.
Yes, you deserve so much more than this.

Keep loving, even though it hurts.
Keep doing, even though it seems the same.
Keep hoping, even though there ain't a clue. 
Keep giving, but know that there's a limit.

One day, God will reveal the reasons
and everything will be crystal clear.

Down, down, down.

These few days, insomnia really tortured me. My dear brain kept thinking of a lot of things, things in the past, things happening, and things yet to happen. Oh why can't it at least rest for awhile? I have been an emotional wreck these few days. Not much of moodswings as I have always been at the really low point. I jog a lot these few days (even after tennis training) so that I would drain myself out and have a goodnight sleep. I always have this personal belief that sweating is therapeutic because as I sweat, my problems leave my body too.

I have been feeling really down, depressed, dejected, tiny, far and out of reach lately. Things just never seem to go right. All the positive energy in me deserted me, my enthusiasm evaporated into thin air. I'm deflated.

So right now it's just a very depressing moment in life as a result of strings of emotional issues, annoyance and over-thinking... Yes! I over-think, most of the time! Do not worry - I may be very down right now, and everything may seem bad and sad, but I will pull through this, I will march on with greater confidence, resilience and courage! I won't dwell in this misery and depression for too long. Life rolls on; there's no use giving too much attention to this down part of life. Things will eventually, and always get better. Once this storm is over, the sun will come out shining with hope again. It's just a phase in life which I have to go through. 

I know I will be able to shine again! It's like an epiphany appearing at the end of torment. Thanks to my over-thinking, I begin to see things clearly, the picture is starting to form. I was so engrossed in chasing other things, but no, why chase for them when I have better things to change here. I will share more in the next entry. I'm physically and mentally drained out, I will retire early for the day. Finally! I will have a sound sleep tonight! :)

Hurt me as you like.

Today has been an utterly depressing day. 

Storm, raging deep within me. Frustration. Questions. Unfathomable issues.  Feeling deeply lost. Reluctance to make any change. 

I wanted to confide into someone, but who? Allow me to just pour it out in here. Everything happened today (or long accumulated until today) hurts me a lot. What is wrong? What has gone wrong? Why is the most familiar place the place that gives you the numbest feeling? Why is the most comforting place the place that rubs more salt to your fresh, raw wounds? Why are the people whom you cast your hope and trust to, stab you repeatedly?

If you ask me how i feel now, i would say, I'm tired, tired, and really tired.

I'm tired of this meaningless game. And childish actions. I'm tired of the superficial goodness by the name of it. I haven't eaten a proper meal since this morning. I didn't even feel like doing anything today. All i did the whole day was to escape. Escaping from the harsh and ugly truth? Perhaps.

I will fight.

The more you said i can't do anything, the more i will fight on. 

I will be independent. I will have my own way of handling things.
And i won't let anything stop me.

Yes, you can hurt me, but you can't beat me down and make me stop.

I am a LOSER!

WHY???

Sigh, I feel so tiny, so belittled now. Where's all my self-worth? What am i actually good at?

Tuition? Yes, i have been giving tuitions, and i thought i mix with children well, but i messed up my final observation. And i only did well today! But what's the point? haih. I put in so much effort too. Why did everything turn out like this?

Leader? What did you do??

Reap what you sow? AS IF. In reality, your speech determines your effort, not actions. It's so unfair.

Can't you? Can't you have a bit more of confidence??? What are you afraid of?

But too bad everything just made me look bad today!

Why did i feel like everything turned its back to me today??
And made me feel so tiny and useless.

Haiihhhhhhhh...
feel so heart-broken.

Holiday #8

Sigh.

I let my frustrations out on people who have nothing to do with it,
yet are the closest to me.
I'm sorry.

Holiday #7

Too many things i wanted to write.
Too many reasons i think i shouldnt write.

Thinking of some funny things about life and people.

Holiday #6

lies.

Holiday #5

I can't believe i was down with fever and bad sore throat and now flu! What a great combo to kick start my holiday? haha. The worst thing (and the quite ironic fact) is that i can't take medicine or sweat to recover from my fever. Well, cuz i am still doing my patch test. This fever was indeed totally self-recovery!! (Now who says we must see a doctor, or take medicine?) 

Normally i don't take medicine too, but i would wrap myself in thick blanket and get myself to sweat and eventually i would feel better. However, this time round, due to the patch test, i was told i cannot sweat. And i had to sleep with my back on top. Torturing. I ended up waking up with my rib bones in pain and feeling like they would break anytime soon. In order to fight the coldness, i wrapped my legs and arms with blanket, turned on the fan so that my back won't sweat. And so i ended up sweating for my limbs, and not on my back...? I wondered if it really had worked that way. haha! (By the way, the fan was the culprit why i am now down with flu after fever was gone.)

Aaaah, just feel so sick. To add on to that, suddenly got a heavy dose of nostalgic feeling.. sigh. It's like cuz holidays have given me more time to think, to reflect on my life... and there it led me to the past and the shadows i can't seem to move on from... 

Decisions, people, expectations...

Would it upset you if that's the decision i would choose in the end?

Would you think i'm selfish?

Holiday #4

12.11.12

As for today... Nothing much happened, but many things struck my mind. Suddenly feel tensed. I guess this holiday is again not for me to enjoy. :( I went to hospital for patch test and now i have patches sticking on my back. The doctor said no sports for these five days. Boo-hoo!

And very recently, i just received a news. DEEP SIGH. I hope, and i really really pray that everything will be fine. God will take care of all right? 

Tomorrow, i am supposed to attend some Christian teachers' sharing at a pastor's office in the morning. However, i have an emergency duty which i offer to take it myself and it clashes with the sharing. I feel torn between two decisions. I know, first is i have promised i would go and they seemed so anticipated for the sharing tomorrow. But what suddenly held me back is i need to be somewhere else, with someone tomorrow morning. :( It's important, very important. Actually i might still have another one with my lecturers and Fiona tomorrow morning for our drama t-shirts. However, that one i can just let Fiona handle it as it is not a very big concern. I texted the pastor to inform him i can't make it tomorrow, but until now i still receive no reply. They must be very disappointed with me right now. 

Then, there are also more tuition classes coming. I really don't know if i could handle it but i really need to work.

Somehow everything just looks complicated to me today. :(

Father God, calm my heart.

How much is enough?

How much is enough for you to see that i'm trying to help you too?
How much is enough to show you that i really want to do my best part...
Never had i wanted to make you feel bad.
:(

I'm sorry.

Drifted apart.

In response to something what i feel lately.

Actually wanted to say this for a long time. Don't want to post on Facebook to make a big fuss out of it, or to make people starting to guess who that person is (i know how that feels like). Just suddenly feel that it's better not to get close with someone at the first place. 

The time and effort you put in for someone, were all forgotten. In a blink of eyes, people turned and said you minded their flaws. Well, i don't want to explain more, i'm sure my explanation is not wanted as well (as i have tried), even if i didn't mean the thing but if others thought otherwise. Even if now i'm trying to at least make the first move to save it back, it seems to be no avail. There's no use to save it back anymore, perhaps. Words said, impressions mad (for both parties). I'm not saying i didnt do anything wrong, i made mistakes too, in this.

Perhaps, people just haven't known me truly yet. But i won't say that they're wrong with what they are doing. 

In whatever you do, make sure you are happy! :) Be happy!

It has to be like this.

ToMrSomebody,
Whenilookatyou,sometimesiwouldfeelbadwhydidihavetomakeyousufferthatmuch.
Iknowyouaretryingtomendthingsnow,butisitnottoolate?
Iknowthisiscruel.iknowiamdoingwrongtoonow,iknowyouhaveaheart,youhavefeelings,
andtheywayithrewharshwordsatyoureallyhurtsalotright?
Timewillheal.everyonehastopayforthepriceofourownmistakes,thatistherule.
Sorrythatihurtyoubutthisisreallytheonlyway.Getusedtoit.Youwillbeokay.
IpraytoGodthatHewillalwaysbewithyou,inyourdeepestdepressionandloneliness,
HewillreachoutHiscaringandlovinghandstohugyoutight.
IpraytoGodthatHewillrevealthereasonsbehindallthissothatitwontbesopainfulforustobear.
Hewillpullthroughwithyou,sostaystrong,andmoveon.

today.

Today was bad. Had a sleepless night trying to complete everything including tonight's work, cuz i knew i won't have time so i continued doing until it was morning. Sadly, things were just bad. Feeling very frustrated, stirred, annoyed, and pressured. Guess i will have to leave the final touch up for tomorrow morning.

Stressed. i cannot squeeze my time out anymore. 

answers. answers. and answers. 

I really wish God appears here. :(

God i need you, in many many things. 

many many things.

I'm just too weak to go through all these.

What is on my mind?

Breathe...breathe...breathe! *gasp for air*

Whoosh, life's been super duper busy than ever! Two major artwork done, at least! I feel a lil bit lighter but still the load of other assignments are still weighing me down. :( When is all this going to end? I know i always jokingly tell my friends "the only time we could stop working is when we're dead" (which is in fact the truth) but now i really just hope i could stop working just for a few days. I need rest! :(

Okay, i'm about to go very disorganized.... jumbled thoughts of many things.

A lot of things are bugging me lately. Talked to friends, mom...perhaps i was too busy living life, and i wasn't really living me myself.

At times, i would pause and look back, recall the things i've done, guilt and regret gushed in and engulfed me instantly. Many things i could have done, i should have done...or shouldn't have done. hmm. Trying to run away and avoid won't solve anything too right...

or is that really the right choice but you just turn the option away and refuse to believe it?

family is often the closest and nearest people you easily neglected. i'm really sorry, mom and dad. However, after the artwork project, i feel a new strong bond formed between each and everyone of us. it feels so warm, and i know it's love.

mistakes.
mistakes.
mis.
takes.