Down, down, down.

These few days, insomnia really tortured me. My dear brain kept thinking of a lot of things, things in the past, things happening, and things yet to happen. Oh why can't it at least rest for awhile? I have been an emotional wreck these few days. Not much of moodswings as I have always been at the really low point. I jog a lot these few days (even after tennis training) so that I would drain myself out and have a goodnight sleep. I always have this personal belief that sweating is therapeutic because as I sweat, my problems leave my body too.

I have been feeling really down, depressed, dejected, tiny, far and out of reach lately. Things just never seem to go right. All the positive energy in me deserted me, my enthusiasm evaporated into thin air. I'm deflated.

So right now it's just a very depressing moment in life as a result of strings of emotional issues, annoyance and over-thinking... Yes! I over-think, most of the time! Do not worry - I may be very down right now, and everything may seem bad and sad, but I will pull through this, I will march on with greater confidence, resilience and courage! I won't dwell in this misery and depression for too long. Life rolls on; there's no use giving too much attention to this down part of life. Things will eventually, and always get better. Once this storm is over, the sun will come out shining with hope again. It's just a phase in life which I have to go through. 

I know I will be able to shine again! It's like an epiphany appearing at the end of torment. Thanks to my over-thinking, I begin to see things clearly, the picture is starting to form. I was so engrossed in chasing other things, but no, why chase for them when I have better things to change here. I will share more in the next entry. I'm physically and mentally drained out, I will retire early for the day. Finally! I will have a sound sleep tonight! :)

Confused.

Signs? Or what? It's so confusing.
You are attracted, yet you are scared.

I hate it to catch myself murmuring to myself "It's stupid" too often recently.

How hard it is to wait patiently for Your time, Father God.
Teach me to wait for You.
Hold and guard my heart.

Relationships?

What do humans want from a relationship? Some people want companionship; some people want love; some people want security; some people want acceptance; some people want fame…what do you want?

Words worth.

If we could measure the worth of each word we utter, how much do your words worth?

illusion.

i think it was just a funny thought or drama ive made myself believe.

it's just nothing. 

Oh Lord, let me focus on You...

Holiday #5

I can't believe i was down with fever and bad sore throat and now flu! What a great combo to kick start my holiday? haha. The worst thing (and the quite ironic fact) is that i can't take medicine or sweat to recover from my fever. Well, cuz i am still doing my patch test. This fever was indeed totally self-recovery!! (Now who says we must see a doctor, or take medicine?) 

Normally i don't take medicine too, but i would wrap myself in thick blanket and get myself to sweat and eventually i would feel better. However, this time round, due to the patch test, i was told i cannot sweat. And i had to sleep with my back on top. Torturing. I ended up waking up with my rib bones in pain and feeling like they would break anytime soon. In order to fight the coldness, i wrapped my legs and arms with blanket, turned on the fan so that my back won't sweat. And so i ended up sweating for my limbs, and not on my back...? I wondered if it really had worked that way. haha! (By the way, the fan was the culprit why i am now down with flu after fever was gone.)

Aaaah, just feel so sick. To add on to that, suddenly got a heavy dose of nostalgic feeling.. sigh. It's like cuz holidays have given me more time to think, to reflect on my life... and there it led me to the past and the shadows i can't seem to move on from... 

Decisions, people, expectations...

Would it upset you if that's the decision i would choose in the end?

Would you think i'm selfish?

What is on my mind?

Breathe...breathe...breathe! *gasp for air*

Whoosh, life's been super duper busy than ever! Two major artwork done, at least! I feel a lil bit lighter but still the load of other assignments are still weighing me down. :( When is all this going to end? I know i always jokingly tell my friends "the only time we could stop working is when we're dead" (which is in fact the truth) but now i really just hope i could stop working just for a few days. I need rest! :(

Okay, i'm about to go very disorganized.... jumbled thoughts of many things.

A lot of things are bugging me lately. Talked to friends, mom...perhaps i was too busy living life, and i wasn't really living me myself.

At times, i would pause and look back, recall the things i've done, guilt and regret gushed in and engulfed me instantly. Many things i could have done, i should have done...or shouldn't have done. hmm. Trying to run away and avoid won't solve anything too right...

or is that really the right choice but you just turn the option away and refuse to believe it?

family is often the closest and nearest people you easily neglected. i'm really sorry, mom and dad. However, after the artwork project, i feel a new strong bond formed between each and everyone of us. it feels so warm, and i know it's love.

mistakes.
mistakes.
mis.
takes.

Kiss The Rain

I often close my eyes,
And I can see you smile.
You reach out for my hand,
And I'm woken from my dream.
Although your heart is mine,
It's hollow inside.
I never had your love,
And I never will.

And every night
I lie awake,
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you,
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes?

I've never felt this way,
To be so in love,
To have someone there,
Yet feel so alone.
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears?
The one to say that you would never leave?

The waters calm and still,
My reflection is there.
I see you holding me
But then you disappear.
All that is left of you,
Is a memory
On that only, exists in my dreams.

I don't know what hurts you,
But I can feel it too.
And it just hurts so much,
To know that I can't do a thing.
And deep down in my heart,
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you...

So why am I still here in the rain?

Reluctance.

Answers.

2011 is coming to the end. This semester has been a very special semester, with many achievements, trials, experiences, stressful weeks, disappointments, downfalls, firsts, happy moments, sweet moments, heart-aching moments... Many things to say about this semester, and this whole year... However, i think i won't write it out here, it's just simply too much to share here.

After all these, i just thought that maybe i was in a rush, in many things.

And maybe sometimes, i thought too much for other people (or, i cared too much how other people would think) that i made some decisions which go against my own will, and in the end, i messed things up. When i wanted to make up for everything, it's just a little bit too late. Missed out the chance. And no matter how hard i try, it's just not meant to be.

I'm still searching for answers.
Many answers...
to my unanswered questions.

Should i leave it,
or should i save it?

Knock knock!

It's now 0058, almost 1am! I'm sleepy but i'm still up. I've just completed one of my assignments! Hooray! (Well, not really completed cuz i haven't done the cover and referencing, but yeah, the 9 pages report and the Appendixes are done!)

Suddenly i'm in the mood to post an entry here. Recently i just found out something about someone i really care a lot. I didn't feel good when i discovered the thing. Then i thought, who am i to judge him? Yeah, everyone has an ugly side. Not saying that the thing he did was ugly, but here i want to highlight that everyone makes mistakes from time to time. I can't say that i never made any mistakes, nor can i guarantee i won't make any mistakes in the future. And, i am not in any position to point my finger at him and tell him he has disappointed me. So perhaps i should just wait and listen to his explanation some time later. I should be fair by not making any assumptions on my own. But it somehow really upsets me, and makes me wonder if it's for real this time. Gah... complicated isn't it? =S

Anyway, i will continue to pray for this. I know things will turn out well. :)

几米说

当你喜欢我的时候，我不喜欢你，
当你爱上我的时候，我喜欢上你，
当你离开我的时候，我却爱上你，
是你走得太快，还是我跟不上你的脚步,
我们错过了诺亚方舟，错过了泰坦尼克号，
错过了一切的惊险与不惊险，我们还要继续错过。
我不了解我的寂寞来自何方，但我真的感到寂寞。
你也寂寞，世界上每个人都寂寞，只是大家的寂寞都不同吧。

Twisted and hurt.

Seriously.
It's drifted way too much.
I should get back on the track,
or i would miss another chance
to find myself back again.

It came knocking at your door
unexpectedly - should i open it
and embrace it even though it spells impossibility?
Why did it come anyway?

Things are often presented in a stark difference.
When these two totally different worlds meet,
it either creates sparks or it creates
nothing.

I once thought that i was quite good
and i had nothing to worry about.
But the truth revealed itself -
I'm worried about almost everything.

The rational mind tells me no
but my emotional heart tells me yes.
Twisted and hurt,
which one should i go for?

Writer's thought:
Well, i guess part of it is inspired by the Malay song, 'Isabella', which sings of a sad love story of two different worlds. It has a very strong melancholy element in it.

Be happy. but not?

You truly wish someone to be happy, but whatever you do is only adding the sorrow to their life, isn't that sad?

You thought that by making yourself happy, you would make other people happy, but in the end, no one is happy at all.

Why did we let this happen?

Why...

Update (2)

Err, you see. It's like this. I did want to post something up, but i always had things to do. When i have nothing to do, it's either the mood was not right, or i had forgotten what i wanted to type. So... the blog is left abandoned. :)

I have so many things wanted to update. About he offer of UKM twinning programme till the recent ones. But i had no time to update at all. Again, i was caught in a dilemma. I really don't get it. Why was it that when i finally surrendered, another door of 'HOPE' was opened. Did it mean that the current choice was not right and that a better one was opened up for me, or what? Why was it so torturing? I was asked to accept things, and when i finally persuaded my stubbornness not to fight anymore, here came a chance for 'turning back' or 'turning into a new junction' which seemed to be shining with the flame of HOPE. What were all those??? You see. When i desperately wanted to leave there was no 2nd chance, so i was kinda hoped for it. But then when the chance was given to me to choose again, i stood there, trembling, shaking, unable to make up my mind. What an irony! I once wished fervently for it, yet now afraid when the chance came. I was too afraid to go anywhere anymore. After a few struggles, i decided not to go. Don't ask me why. I just felt that i don't need to leave, though i wish i could. (though i wish i HAD.) Oh well. Life's good so far. *forcing a nooooood.*

It's not about the choosing to go or to stay; it's not about 2nd chance and staying. It's just something else. But i'm fixing it, so gimme some time. And perhaps. Less words of wisdom and more realistic actions will do? :)

Hmm. Oh yea, i'm driving to school everyday now. And also dinaikkan pangkat ke driver. LOL. Sometimes i'd have to fetch bro and sis. Sigh. You know, life is getting...more EXCITING! (yea. excitinggg.) I have to wake up 530am everyday. Left home at 610am to avoid traffic jam. What to do. Three other schools outside the road to my campus. But now i'm adjusted to it dy. In fact, i think it's better to keep it like this. I reached school around 630am and so i have plenty of quite moment. :) To read some Christianity books. It's not too bad after all eh. :)

I still don't get it why would someone say something at the first place if he/she didn't mean it at all? Different brains interpret differently. Pity the poor unlucky brain which interpreted it wrongly.

School tomorrow. T.T (It's SATURDAY.)
My weekend. Sobs.

i

can't sleep.

Should i step forward for just remain here until it's safe to step forward?
Things happened too fast, and i am not sure which move to take. But from the two choices, i must pick one.

it's almost 3a.m.