Boo.

stop all this.

don't try anymore.

quit.

don't simply tell stories to people whom you have just met.

say goodbye.


YAY! That's more like it. Hopefully...it's understood.
Alright, time to sleep.

Update (2)

Err, you see. It's like this. I did want to post something up, but i always had things to do. When i have nothing to do, it's either the mood was not right, or i had forgotten what i wanted to type. So... the blog is left abandoned. :)

I have so many things wanted to update. About he offer of UKM twinning programme till the recent ones. But i had no time to update at all. Again, i was caught in a dilemma. I really don't get it. Why was it that when i finally surrendered, another door of 'HOPE' was opened. Did it mean that the current choice was not right and that a better one was opened up for me, or what? Why was it so torturing? I was asked to accept things, and when i finally persuaded my stubbornness not to fight anymore, here came a chance for 'turning back' or 'turning into a new junction' which seemed to be shining with the flame of HOPE. What were all those??? You see. When i desperately wanted to leave there was no 2nd chance, so i was kinda hoped for it. But then when the chance was given to me to choose again, i stood there, trembling, shaking, unable to make up my mind. What an irony! I once wished fervently for it, yet now afraid when the chance came. I was too afraid to go anywhere anymore. After a few struggles, i decided not to go. Don't ask me why. I just felt that i don't need to leave, though i wish i could. (though i wish i HAD.) Oh well. Life's good so far. *forcing a nooooood.*

It's not about the choosing to go or to stay; it's not about 2nd chance and staying. It's just something else. But i'm fixing it, so gimme some time. And perhaps. Less words of wisdom and more realistic actions will do? :)

Hmm. Oh yea, i'm driving to school everyday now. And also dinaikkan pangkat ke driver. LOL. Sometimes i'd have to fetch bro and sis. Sigh. You know, life is getting...more EXCITING! (yea. excitinggg.) I have to wake up 530am everyday. Left home at 610am to avoid traffic jam. What to do. Three other schools outside the road to my campus. But now i'm adjusted to it dy. In fact, i think it's better to keep it like this. I reached school around 630am and so i have plenty of quite moment. :) To read some Christianity books. It's not too bad after all eh. :)

I still don't get it why would someone say something at the first place if he/she didn't mean it at all? Different brains interpret differently. Pity the poor unlucky brain which interpreted it wrongly.

School tomorrow. T.T (It's SATURDAY.)
My weekend. Sobs.

Update (1)

Haha, I think i would have to break them into a few posts, so gotta label them update (1), (2), (3)... IF there will be that many entries. Some some brief updates with the help of photos. :)

We went to Borneo Conventional Centre on 23rd July. It's huge!

Went there for this : to make up the crowd in other words. :)

Attempt failed. lol. I've always wanted to take Panorama photo, but i never succeeded. :( Looks very cacat.

Tennis as my Gerko. *Happy!*

I'm in the 'advanced' group, with the guys. Kinda honoured. :') I feel more confident. :D I feel different. BUT. Recently i feel that i have lost the 'touch'. Been playing badly. :( Sigh. Oh yea, i personally think that Mr Mano, our coach/lecturer, is kinda cool and handsome. :)

Note the mistake (the messy handwriting). You know what, my eyes really closed at that time until i didn't know what i was writing. My mind was still writing, but my hand wasn't. Not that the lecture was boring, it's because i was too sleepy and tired. I hardly had enough and sufficient sleep everyday.

Obsession! XD

Woohooo~ I'm getting it. :) SOON. Maybe end of this month. I purposely put there to keep motivating myself, and keep the dream alive. THIS time, i'm not gonna let my dream die again like LAST time. I'm gonna go for what i like.

All times' favourite!

Mmm-mmm!

Teh Tarik.

I love any kinds of beverages which have tea inside. :D Milk tea, Teh C Peng, Ice-cream Green Tea. :)

Tadaaa! The Cheesy Baked Rice that i made. I used the wrong cheese, so it didn't turn out really cheesy sticky. haha. But it was delicious. =9

My favourite! EGG TART! (from Gingerbread House)

i eat sushi. i like sushi. i love sushi.

Troubled.

It has been a long time since i last really updated this. Friends are telling me that they don't know any update form me. Oh well, life has been. pretty b a d recently. Still struggling to work it out, but finding myself on the verge of crashing down most of the time. I am really trying!

My schedule is very packed. So, now i have decided to lay down some responsibilities which other people could bear it better than me. Perhaps, they could give more commitment to those responsibility and produce better work. I'm gonna officially put down these burdens. I have the heart to help, but i don't think this is the only way to help. I'm already tied up with my own hectic schedule, so i really can't spare any more free time for those.

Learn to say 'no'.

Yes, that's the lesson i always failed to learn. But not this time.

So forgive me if i say no to those responsibilities. I like it better when there's no additional matter to tie me down even more. :)

Hope you all would understand.

If that someone never comes to you

It's normal everyone will have this feeling. (Unless if you are asexual then i have nothing to say.) So, let's be open-minded! Let's talk something about this. Well, just from what i have thought about lately. If that someone doesn't come to you, just... let go. It'd be a lot better than playing some kinda guessing game and in the end you guessed it all wrong. :)

To save yourself from being fooled by yourself, to save that someone from feeling guilty because he/she can't give you what you want - - just be cool and let go. :) See, by letting go, you become a super hero!

Sooner or later, it will fade away. It's just a feeling after all. It won't stay too long. :)

The friend in my heart, thank you. :)

When You Believe

This is my version of 'When You Believe'.


There are nights and nights when we pray fervently,
we doubt if anyone is listening.
However, there's always a flicker of hope burning within us,
which we barely realize.

Now fear has deserted us,
although we know there will be many things we are afraid of.
We were climbing mountains
even before we knew we could make it.

There can be miracles,
when you believe.
Although the hope seems dim,
it's difficult to make us give up.

When we are engulfed by fear,
when our desperate prayers come to no avail,
we feel like our hope has abandoned us,
it has flown away, leaving us in despair.

Yet, now i'm standing here.
Deep down in my heart, there's a voice telling me not to give up.
It keeps repeating, "Hang in there, something will happen.
Don't lose hope!"

There can be miracles,
only when we have faith in it.
Hope may seem to be frail,
but it's never easy to deter us from moving on.

We never know what miracles we will achieve.
When you believe,
somehow you will,
you will make it when you believe.

At times, miracles are not always granted when we ask for them.
And so it's easy to surrender to fear.
However, when we are blindfolded by the pain and life's predicaments,
it blocks us from seeing our hope clear.
Only after we have pulled through the hard times with courage,
we will then realize hope is there all the time.

There's always a tiny but firm, resilient voice,
cheering on me not to lose hope,
because the help is near.

Miracles will happen,
when we believe.
Though everything seems impossible,
it's difficult to put off the glimmering flame of hope inside our heart.

There are hard times in life when we walk down the deep valley,
there are times when troubles come thrashing down,
there are times when our prayers are unanswered,
there are times when we are on the verge of crashing down,
there are times when we are blinded by fear that we fail to see our own ability.
However, we must not lose hope,
must not be afraid,
must not let life challenges cause our faith to shatter.
Keep the faith, and cling tightly to hope.
You can achieve.
Somehow, very unexpected and miraculously,
you will achieve when you believe.
There can be miracles.

Edited version of 'When You Believe'
by alzh (22nd July 2010)

Growing pains

Few days ago, i was upset seeing the way teenagers handled an activity. I wondered when they would grow up. I wondered when they would be independent on their own. I was puzzled why they were still so naive, so immature...

until i read a comment...

"We don't want to grow up."

It shocked me. It stirred me.

All this while, we kept thinking that growing up was good for them, we kept thinking that they didn't know about life, we kept thinking that they didn't know what responsibility is... Not knowing they actually didn't want it to happen too!

They didn't want to grow up.

They don't want to leave their safety zone yet because the future is unpredictable and they're afraid. They knew the responsibility that one day will be added on to their shoulders. They knew about life, they knew growing up isn't something enjoyable and easy.

I guess
we shouldn't simply judge them
when we actually feel
the same too.

Urm...

typed.


erased.

hmm

Insomnia + realization

I'm drinking warm milk now. It's very unlike me!

Well, i have no choice. This is the one of the solutions i could do besides taking sleeping pills. But i would never give in to sleeping pills. I don't know why too, but i think i have sleeping disorder recently. Insomnia. O_O I'm very worried this time, i must say. This insomnia is very unusual. It's getting worse and worse each time. When i close my eyes, the brain just won't stop working! It's so frustrating, so sickening, so... torturing. :( Plus, i always have to wake up early the next day. Gosh! Please end this torment.

Lately... i've realized that my daddy is getting old. :( Many of my friends used to compliment that my dad looked so young. I used to think so too, but now... i don't think so anymore. The ageing process has left its trail apparently on his life. And i really feel bad seeing the change in him.


I started to realize, you became more absent-minded.
You forgot the outing i told you about.
Yet, i was angry that you forgot.
I'm sorry.

I started to realize, your ears are not as good as before.
You turned the radio loud so that you could listen to it.
Yet, i talked to you in an unfriendly tone to ask you to lower down the volume.
I'm sorry.

I started to realize, you are always trying your best.
You felt guilty that you forgot my outing.
It was the first time i saw you speed on the road.
But please don't do that again, it's dangerous.
And, I'm sorry.

I started to realize, you are always holding your temper.
You were not scolding me,
but i feel as if the silence had just scolded me.
I'm...sorry.

You are always so optimistic, so positive.
You never complained about the stress at work when you are back at home,
you never complained working in the garden fixing things,
you are tired when you are back from work,
but you just lied at the sofa and took quick nap.
You never really showed your care,
but in fact you care for us so much.
Dad, i feel so bad. :'(
I'm sorry that i have not been a good daughter.

But i just wanna say that, I really love you.
Not lying to anyone here, not showing off, not making this up,
but i love you, Dad.

I thank God, for you.
My father, my hero.

1st Week

The first week of lectures after a month of holidays.

Monday - was really having Monday Blue. I'm not sure why too, but i know i did not feeling any excitement i had days ago before school reopened. I love the computer lab for our Literature class. It's simply just so awesome! :) And then during Miss Yus's class, she asked, "Eh, where is your dictionary?" "I - don't - haaaaave." =.= Haha. During lunch time, those from Kuching were really roomless! ROOMLESS. How pity. Nomadic life. So we found an empty classroom and hung out inside there. Fiona, Vic and i. :) We had our lunch there. Then we caught up on each other's life. The lectures on Monday were very light, nothing much. Nonetheless, i must say that the first day was super tiring! Perhaps i was still in the holiday mood.

I love the tree!

Oh yea, i handed in my Pop-up book. Mdm Angie likes it a lot! She proudly showed to the other lecturers. :) At last! My hard work paid off! :) I'm very proud of myself too!

Tuesday - lectures again. can't remember anything special. Oh, we were told by our lecture that we would be having a quiz the next morning at 7am. But well, you know me, quizzes can't really scare me. Spent the afternoon sleeping. Then at night, went to Sushi King (Boulevard branch) and treated mom, dad and Gracie. :D I wanted to use the voucher i got before it expired.

Sushi King Gozen

After that, went to buy some ingredients to make sushi. When i came back, i started studying and it's already around 10pm. By the time i finished tidying the file, half an hour like that gone dy. I only studied for 45 mins in the end.

Wednesday - DROVE to school!!! hahaha. I have to conquer the fear of traffic jam! At first i parked at student's parking lot. Beautiful parking. :)

Cantik sekali! :D

Madam Angie couldn't make it for lecture so we did our own reading. And then had lunch. Yummy-licious home-cooked lunch!

lunch with books and notes.

During lunch time, when all the lecturers were away, i moved my car to park at the lecturers' parking lot. Shhhh. :D I had to do so because the student's parking lot is so far from lecture block. Well, it's another long day of lecture. After I finished class, I joined Fiona to look for lecturers to discuss the timetable. We went to look for Miss Yus. She asked if we are driving to school on our own. I said yes. Then she said, "Oh yea, i remember there was once i saw a big car. Then when i looked at the driver, there was this little girl trying to look tall inside the car." I was like HMMPH. haha. Funny. She always says things so sarcastically. haha.

After dropping Fiona at the hostel area for her to wait for her mom, i drove back home, alone. I like it. I like the feeling. Being alone and driving a car. :) Then when i reached home, i did some very light house chores. Nothing much happened.

Thursday (Today) - A day of confessions! :) Hey i like the session. Miss Hannah is so angelic! :) *halo beaming* Well, we were talking about intrapersonal during Social Studies. So everyone got to share what's the conflict we faced/are facing. I shared the dilemma which i was once caught in. (now i'm still not sure whether am i already out of the dilemma but yeah. i won't ask 'why' a lot.) Anyways, a good sharing session. :) Fiona and I stayed back again for some activities in the evening. Again, we had nowhere to go. In the end, we went back to hostel. Owing to the sad fact that we don't have any room, we just stayed at the foyer. I was so tired that i dozed off on the table. Really tired, man! Whole day oh! Around 430pm, we met our juniors at the field. Played a simple game,, get to see their faces. haha.

Okay lah, i'm so tired dy. Slept late these few days. Suo yi jin wan xiang yao zao dian qu shui jiao! ^^ NO SCHOOL TOMORROW! I've got a date tomorrow! Ngahaha. After that i'm free! But probably i'll be going back to campus at night for some function. :) And AMY dear is flying back tomorrow! :)

P/s: I've been coughing since yesterday. I think i'm losing my voice soon. I don't wanna fall sick! :(

Goodnight!