coming to an end...

= arriving at a beginning!

it's time...for the typical thing to do every new year's eve. I was busy doing my thing in front of the laptop here whole day, now finally taking a rest. Been reading Much Ado About Nothing these few days. Gah! I'm so confused with the Elizabethan language at first. hard hard hard! :( But ain't gonna give up! I'm learning the language, one day i might be able to speak like Shakespeare! XD

Wilt thou walk with me?

For this one, easy to guess, it means, Will you walk with me. Nice eh. Methinks. The language is cool! And actually the play Much Ado About Nothing is quite funny! Especially the fights and mocking between Benedict and Beatrice. Both who initially vowed to stay single but in the end, they fell deeply in love with each other. Such a cute twist! haha

So, here i am! Not to rant and grumble but to count the blessings and give thanks. I have always been in an argument with the past, living in unhappiness. But, after these few days meditation on life, felt it's really unnecessary. Only live life once, we are all living on a borrowed time, so better don't spend much time dwelling over the past. Not worth it. Once in a while is okay, though. :)

Time flies! Mmm, such a cliché, don't know how many times have i seen it, read it, said it, and used it. It tastes like the mothballs dy. xD Isn't it just how fast one year melts into the next year? You feel like January 2009 is still fresh in your memory and you feel like there's still a lot of things you wanted to do and haven't really done any..... but very soon, within a few minutes, you will be stepping into January 2010! You hope you're just dreaming and don't want everything to come so fast. Well, too bad. WAKE UP! It really is going to be 2010 in minutes!

The days slipped by...and it's true I haven't really used 2009 wisely and happily. It's a sad thing actually. Spent too much time on stupid things and thoughts. Shed some stupid tears too. Laughed stupidly at myself. Blah! Wasted 2009! :( But um, at least, this year has been a really special year, it's a new beginning of another stage of my life. A growing year. I have tried lots of things ive never tried before!

Actually, i wanted to type more but i guess i'll save it for other day cuz it'll gonna take a longg time.

Happy 2010!! Happy New Year! May God bless you all more, may His grace and blessings continue to shower upon you all always. Take care!

So in minutes i'm gonna try my best to live a different 2010! :) Happy ROAR Year!

Rooaaarrr! (haha, i remember Ruby always liked to roar. xD)

decision making

i was actually trying to post something here while reading the last chapter of the book when i accidentally fell asleep on bed...with lappy on, the novel still in my hand! Guess i was really tired last night. Nights ago i had some conversations which left me stirred. Don't feel like talking lately. Actually am feeling nothing in myself, not too delighted, not too dejected. Hard to tell. i dunno what's all this! Ah never mind. It takes time.

[Entry, date and time auto-saved without content. Now it's actually 29th Dec 09 10:00 am]

(Don't you think they both look similar?)

HOORAY! I finally........finally..........finished The Mango Season just now!! Yay! Been procrastinating when reading it 'cuz at first didnt find it any interesting. But towards the end of the story, felt something similar so kept on reading till the end. Hmm, basically this whole novel is about Indian's arranged marriage where parents and even grandparents would be the ones who choose the future spouse for their children or grandchildren. In this decision making, the younger ones have no right to object. Most of them'll just have to follow what the adults chose. Pretty sad huh.

Priya, an Indian girl who went to study in US, met an American and they both fell in love with each other. They were engaged and started living together for 2 years. One day, it's finally time to go back to India because she had run out of excuses not to go back to India. Back at home, Priya's family was worried that she had not found her life partner yet, and the fact that she'd be too old to be married if they don't do something panicked them. Priya wanted to tell the family about Nick, the one she loved. But she was scared that her traditional family would turn away from her for wanting to marry a foreigner. Priya had no choice but to go for this bride-seeing ceremony which she felt it's just like cow for sale kinda thing where you have the family from the 'boy' coming over to assess you if you could be a good wife. The oh-so-perfect Indian man whom her parents had chosen for her, Adrash was good looking, high educated, earn insane amount of money every year, and the most important thing, he's an Indian. Every adults in the family, especially her parents thought that they had now made the best-est choice and found the most perfect one for her daughter.

After seeing Priya, Adrash was interested and soon had proposed. Priya knew that if she didn't do something to stop this, she would have betrayed Nick who was waiting for her in US. But if she continues to go with what her parents had planned, in the end she would lose Nick. She wanted to fight for herself and Nick, for her happiness. She wanted to tell her family so badly, but at the same time, she feared that her family wouldn't love her anymore, she was afraid that she would ruin her family's name, break everyone's heart. She's afraid that she can't be a perfect daughter or a granddaughter and no one in the family would love her anymore. After several reluctance, she finally told the whole family about Nick and that they were getting married soon once she got back to US. This devastating news hurt her family so deeply. Her father stood up, threw a line, "You hurt me, Priya." and left without saying where's he going to. She had never seen her father reacting like this before. The relatives and parents were upset too.

After several dilemmas and distress, her father finally agreed. Her father apologized, and said that he should trust Priya for her choice. His daughter was a smart girl, and she knew what's best for her life. So with the green light from her father, things got easier. After several attempts of persuading, the adults finally nodded their heads, though some of them were still not really happy with it. At least in the end, both her parents were okay with it.

This is just a brief summary of the whole story from me. At first i got so confused with the family members, a lot of them! But luckily in the end, sorted them out. If not i'd be reading towards the end then suddenly ask myself, is Nanna the father or the mother? or is Jayant the grandfather or the uncle. Luckily the characters become less complicated towards the end. But, the whole story becomes complicated towards the end. At least, in the end Priya made it through, standing firm on her legs, fighting for what her hearts really want.

Fighting for one's happiness.

Hmm. Parents always wanted the best for their children, that's an undeniable truth. Parents often think that what they choose, will be the best for their children. And sometimes, they would say "Just look! This so and so that so and so followed their parents' decision obediently, now they are living what a wonderful life. Whereas that so and so refused to obey their parents, now look, living in such a pity life. If they listened to their parents, they would have...bla bla bla. That's the consequence of being stubborn. Look at them, parents are ALWAYS RIGHT. We are MORE EXPERIENCED. You are still TOO FRESH, don't be too eager to make your own life's decision. You are going to REGRET FOR LIFE."

But, sometimes, it may won't turn out to be that way. If Priya married to this perfect Indian man her parents chose, would she really be happy? She might, she might be not. Or.. okay, let's say marrying Adrash had given Priya a good life, but then would she have a better one if she married Nick? Priya had chosen to follow her heart, to marry Nick in the end. We can't tell that had she made the right choice, or had she made the wrong one? But, don't you think that, sometimes, children really know what's the best for themselves?

Gaaah, adult's world!! Making dangerous lifetimes decisions. Taking risks. Drowning yourself in sea of dilemma. Regretting over each good decision you have missed, brooding over each wrong decision you have made. Why does it have to be so complicated? Why not....just live a life without making decisions?


Rationally, i'm always okay when this topic emerged. But emotionally, i'm still unstable. Still feel 不甘心 at times for not trying my best fighting over it. But oh well, i can't tell, would that be a bad one, or a good one? The one that i wanted to fight over for, might turn out to be a bad one. The one that adults want is the right one? Or it may be a good one like they said, but is the other one a better one? Or wait! Does it really matter which one is better? :S It's not that i keep wanting to raise this topic over and over again. But there's time which i really can't handle it when it surfaced. Feel like faith is shattering apart and i'm losing all the positive thinking all of a sudden. I can't just bury this problem into a forgotten yesterday - it just never disappears!

i just gotta keep trying. keep praying. keep hoping.

missing out on chances.

Stay.

Stay

if you could just stay,
i won't be afraid of things around me.
if you could just stay,
i know that i have someone near to turn to when trouble comes.
if you could just stay,
you could protect me from things that steal my faith away.
if you could just stay,
we could embrace each days together as it comes.
if you could just stay,
you could keep me company when loneliness creeps in.
if you could just stay,
you could keep me warm in your arms when i shiver.
if you could just stay,
your presence alone will sparkle my world with beautiful glitters.
if you could just stay,
you could add on more happiness to my life, more than you could imagine.

Hold my hand now, and stay here.
Whisper to me, "I'm here."

Stay...and everything will be alright.
because you are right beside me.

Uiit! Feel like making a song! hehe. it has been a longg time. :) Mmm. Good idea! Gonna pay a visit to Ruby dear soon. Of course, i need to edit the lyrics, make it better, more suitable for a song. Well, i was just simply typing some words for the pic just now.

Ooh by the way, that's another design from me. How's it? I did it just now. Erm, can't sleep again. X( It's the time when my imagination is the wildest. So i guess i should design around this hour? haha. Ok, the pic, it was taken in Boulevard. (went there with church friends today after church this morning) Hmm, basically, i want to focus on the snow globe itself, and of course the couple in it. They look sweet. :) I simply love snow globes! They always look precious to me, and make me want to keep them nicely. And whenever i shake it, as the delicate glittering and sparkling "snow" float around gracefully, it reminds me of the beautiful memories i had. :)

I'm so gonna try to make one someday! :D

if you could just stay
here.

back from camp!

Heys, i'm back! The camp was a good one. I was one of the mentors, i enjoyed the camp! I really hope that all the wonderful messages that we wanted to convey could be reflected through the activities we've planned for them. It was really a meaningful one i must say. :) I believe everyone of us learnt a lot from there. [draft auto-saved last night]

I wanted to update last night but fell asleep. So i will update now before work and packed schedules drown me again in busyness. I'm always in a race against the time, i don't know when can this end. When can i really enjoy living when i will be ahead of the time? 24 hours a day is really not enough for me.

Okays, the camp. Learnt about teamwork, patience, love each other, responsibility, acceptance, forgiveness.....and lots! Besides that, it also gives me a chance to look back at myself. Sometimes, i don't know if i am really qualified to become a mentor. I don't think i'm ready yet. Well, i need to work harder to be ahead of them to guide them! Hmm, and another thing, i think i have grown a little in spirit. :) Praise the Lord!

I love camps! Why? Mainly it's because i enjoy spending a day or two living outside, with friends. Laughing, crying, feeling things, learning things from each other. Playing, singing with friends and doing lots of crazy things together! I just like the feeling a group of friends gather together. :)

Hmm, back from camp. It's reality again. Sigh. i was doing some reading this morning when i came across this:

"Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes which see reality." -Nikos Kazantzakis-

Some photos from the camp.
(some of them i editted with Photoshop last night. Taken by Agnes, editted by Agnes.)

Personality Test - The melancholy type. So accurate!!!
The future Nobel laureate. ngehehee.

we can strum using egg!

into the nature. heading to tea plantation.

riding on a mini truck through the bumpy rocky mountain trails.

making bracelet using beads.

receiving a bracelet from friend. Thanks! But...mine is better than the one he made! xD

receiving a handmade love + cross made of candle wax from Silas and bro.
Love it sooo much!

it's durian time!

making tang yuen!

Proudly present you....our tang yuan!!

learning to be humble.

walking all the way into the remote place to spread gospel. even got chased by dogs!
But we are willing to do it. :)

disturbing the guys sleeping by giving them wonderful funny hilarious free show!
(the girls' were playing Truth or Dare)

finally, getting allergy reaction. again.

Candle Night under the sky.

it's all about candles and sharing. :)

Nature in its purest form.


Lastly...

Have a very blessed one! :)
and always remember to give thanks!
God bless you!

Pssss! Holidays are gonna end soon. :(

BFF

Best friend forever. :)

let's be like this...forever. :)

Frankly speaking, recently i have felt that i am getting more distant from my friends. I dunno but i personally felt that i have been forsaken. (somehow, like getting less attention from them?) I don't know what has happened, or what are the things that i've done which caused this too happen. Right now i just suddenly feel the strong urge to type something about this. Something that i have been slowly neglecting but i'm gonna save it back before it's too late, because i treasure this relationship more than any other relationships i have so far.

It's until i read the blog that i've a sudden realization that i have been very self-centered all this while. I guess i haven't been a good friend to you ey? I thought others have neglected me, or others are getting away. Well, now i think maybe i was the one who's floating away. I have been the one who's always paying less attention to them i guess? (In this case, it's more to a 'her') I felt that everytime i talk to her, I would turn speechless/out of topic soon. I began to think that we are starting to not understand each other ever since distance has set us apart. And sometimes i felt that, i would disagree a lot with the way she thinks. At times, her answers came out so easy, so matter-of-fact that i thought that she didn't even want to understand the whole situation i was in. Was it because of her firm, calm and optimistic character or was it because of my own obstinate, resolute and sensitive character? Different perceptions, but that's actually considerable. What makes the two friends close together? Hmmm.

I just wanna say I'm sorry, if it's really me. :( Erm, when i saw the gift i gave you, i somehow felt it's related. Dunno lah, i hope that i'm not perasan for thinking that it's me, eh wait, i hope that maybe i am just a lil too sensitive and being perasan? Oh no, gosh, i think i hope it would be i hope i'm perasan. Well, at least like this, i would tell you all this? So that you know, if it's really me. If not, just wanna tell you bout all this, what i felt. Ah, i feel so sorry and so bad for not being a good friend. :(

I still hope to have a drink with you.
or to hang out.
or to talk to you.
just...to have some time with you.

just like my schedule :(

I promise i'll make it up for you. 'cuz you are special than others, and will always be. I was wrong for thinking that you are too busy for me, that you have neglected me....blah! I was wrong about all that. I have been wrong too. But i hope we'll be like before again. I miss those days!!!

BFF.

Because, (i don't care, i know we cant put 'because' at the beginning of a sentence)
you are the only one who can easily...make me c.
you are the only one who can easily...make me s.
you are the only one who understands me more than other friends.
you are the one whom i want to be your kids' God mama! =P
you are the only one who annoys me so much, makes me so kektiok, but i enjoy it :)
(don't use this as an excuse to bully me ah!)
and
you are the one whom i never want to lose.


OKAY. Time to update a bit. Christmas Night was a success although not as good as we planned. However, thank GOD for everything, and the rain too. Really, without this natural air conditioner, i bet everyone would be sweating the whole night there. K. I was one of the emcee. was doing thing last min again. =X Oh, some unpleasant things happened before that but, it's ok. Perhaps i was just being hyper-sensitive? (as always...) or the person really meant it? hmm. I just want to proclaim, i do this not for anything, glory, fame....blah - NO! It's for GOD. Hmm, anyway, i don't really mind it now. Things will still be normal.

Oh yea! Hey! The song that i was in charge of, was really a great one!! Thank GOD for that! I could really feel the love of a family. That's the effect i wanted! Kudos to everyone involved in it. It has been a really really touching scene. And of course, thanks to Valentino (father), Jasmine (mother) and Gracieee (daughter) for singing us the lovely song. And Gracie, i'm proud of you! :) I really hope that through this song, it can really bring out the love to the people who went that night. And the drama, well, i have to say it's really a good one. If i were to be the director, i don't think i can produce such a good drama. Esther and the team have indeed done a good job for HIM. Hmm, i did ask my friends to go, but sadly not many could go. Only two turned up. Rather disappointed, but two is better than none! (lol, suddenly this reminds me of the song Two is Better Than One) And thank GOD for that too. Hope they received Your greatest gift. :)

To GOD be the glory!

K then, i'll talk a lil bit about today. I drove to church this morning! FYI, i'm starting to drive alone! Getting better in skills! ;) Today i did reverse parking. Cool. haha. Afternoon, i was doing some painting (glass deco) with Gracie. Wanted to lay on sofa and take a nap but Gracie wanted someone to play and draw with her...so yeah i accompanied her. I was having tummy upset, dunno what's the cause. Went to toilet more than 3 times in just one hour. Then i felt so weak, plus i was already having headache and feelin dizzy. So i went to grab a very quick nap around 4pm. Around evening time, went to e-mart with family. It was my first time there. And you know what, i was paying money at one of the counter when the cashier pointed to the next counter saying her friend from the other counter said the guy (another cashier) from the next next counter kirim salam. =.= woah. At night, had dinner in Marrybrown. :)

I will be away for 3 days, will be back soon! :) Going for a youth Committee Retreat and Training Camp in 32 miles. I will be one of the mentors. Ngehehe, and we've planned activities for them, which i think are all very meaningful. Will update on this when i'm back for sure!

Again, dear insects, please don't fall in love with me. I know, I know i'm sweet but...others are sweeter k? xD

Kayssss, i'm actually in a rush now. Gotta stop writing gotta stop writing. I kept writing non-stop!! haha. Got lotsa unsettled things to do! Gosh!! So many! Was planning to browse through some blogs nia who knows ended up writing an entry. =S Everything is so last minute cuz everyone was so focusing on Christmas Night. Aaah. Calm down. Be cool be cool.

Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. Beads. Printing. Bible verses. Pack stuff. Clues. Scores. :(

mmkay! take care ppl!

Barbie Movies~

WASTED. I've tried again though i said i'm tired. And it's useless. Feel stupid for doing that. Guess it would be better if i have not done anything. K lah, enough for all that, gonna let go one day. hahahahaha. Oh yea, watched two Barbie movies after coming back from work!!! Guess what, they got quote! Inspiring!

There may be miracles awaiting,
They may be closer than we know when we have love to guide us as we go.
-Barbie-

If I could wish for one thing,
I take the smile that you bring.


Aaaahhh, it's raining. It always comes at the right time huh? Guess it will be a cold night. I'm already feeling coldddd. Legs hurt. :( Tomorrow is gonna be another loooongg day for the final rehearsal for Christmas Night this coming Sat. Gotta recharge myself. Not sure if my body could endure till the end of all this. I'm starting to feel sick. Having headache everyday. Didn't have enough sleep everyday. Today i went for work, it was soooo tiring!! But wait, speaking of this, there's a cute guy there at the center! xD Mixed blood, man!!! And you know mostly mixed blood guys are so handsome cool, girls are so pretty. And he has the look of Edward Cullen!! Wow...i get along with them (him and her younger sis) quite well. I remember there's one time i was marking his thick worksheets, after i was done, his sis passed me hers. I told her to hand in to the other markers. The brother joked, "She has been marking mine until she got fed up. Too bad for you." LOL! He joked! haha. Then i said to the sister, "Aww, so sorry. Blame him!" haha. That was the fun part, talking to students, it's a bonus if he's a shuai one. xD hahaha. I kinda like the sister, she's so warm and friendly. May be we could be good friends. Well, if i could stay longer there.

Oh ya, before i forget, my church will be having a big Christmas Celebration at RPR Hall this Saturday night, 730pm. HOME - LOVE. I hope you could go, anyone of you! Well, if you have time, please just go, don't miss the blessings. :) It's free admission, just costs you some petrol. But it will be worth it for the things you will gain that night. I sincerely wish you could be there. For more information, please contact me. Don't miss the chance, it's really too good to be missed!

Movie on my list: AVATAR

PLAY HARD

Aaaaah! I feel so boredddd! :( Wanted to go play badminton but no one wants to play. Everyone is in the Christmas mood. Wait. I think it should be preparing-for-Christmas-celebration mood. Everyone seems so tensed. :( I wanna go out play! It doesn't really matter if we go out play what. It's better to go out, breathe some fresh air outside, get some sweat out of the body, laugh, talk. Doing these healthy activities can eliminate some stress too. So...why not? My 4th week of holiday is almost gone! Yet i didnt do anything much. When school starts again, i'd have to turn back to the "COLLEGE MODE". Now, I only have TWO more weeks holiday.

SIGH.

Here are some designs. Just wanna kill my time so yeah, taken some photos and played with Photoshop awhile. It has been a long time since i last touched it.

Christmas. Taken from the script i have written, edited using Photoshop.

solitude. The green origami flower is made by my aunt.

PLAY HARD. :) I like this one!

Been eating mangoes while reading Mango Season. What a good combination. =.= Aiyo..Stayed up till 3AM last night but woke up so super early. Going maaaaad. :( I was trying to remove the vocals from songs. I have been trying and trying, but the music doesn't sound good. Mun helped me with it using Adobe Audition but then the one he made, the intro part can't really be heard. :( I tried with Audacity yesterday, (been exploring it and trying it whole afternoon and night after worship practice, dunno watched how many tutorials from YouTube), i did manage to keep the sound for the intro, but mine is quite noisy compared to mun's. If only the one i made could mix with his. And then oh, the guitar plucking sound can't be heard too! I tried finding the background music of the song from the Net but to no avail. All the background musics i found were of different version. Tried with other songs, the vocals can almost be completely removed. Wonder why the song i want to remove can't. Anyhow, i will keep trying.

Alright. I guess, i'm going to take a nap. I need it. X_X

累了

跟你讲话，感觉上开始很累了。

关心你，感觉上也开始累了。

等你，也等得累了。

DIY for Christmas!

The little Christmas tree i made last last year, i think. It's on my piano. :)

I Still Believe

Lyrics | Hayden Panettiere lyrics - I Still Believe lyrics

a song in Cinderella 3 - i love the lyrics, and of course the whole song. :) Enjoy!

Know what, recently i'm so into Fairy Tales. Been watching Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella 3 and some Barbie movies lately. Don't laugh!! You were once like that before. Not Fairy Tales perhaps, but what about Power Rangers, Pokemon or Ultraman? hohoho. Don't know why, feel like going back to childhood again. Found lots of lovely songs with meaningful lyrics and beautiful rhythm. Last night was watching Barbie when i realized i only have the first part of it. :( I want to finish it! Barbie and the Diamond Castle. The songs are niceeeee! I'll upload more soon.

Wanna intro, if anyone of you who has not watched Cinderella 3, try it! Really. Aiyah, don't need to care how old you are now, Fairy Tales are meant for everyone, regardless of your age. It's really a funny and romantic story. Cinderella's fairy God mother's magic wand being snatched by the evil stepmother and her two step sisters (if you still remember them). So the stepmother used the wand to make everything go back to before, before the ball where Cinderella met her Prince Charming. Her stepmother even put a spell on the prince so that he will forget who he had danced with. But then..... "You will know that you love that person, by the touch of your hands." something like that, can't really remember. The ending....i'll leave it for you to watch! haha. Try it, not bad. :) and i looove the last sentence. "they lived happily ever after...again!"

How was it?

wasn't planning on writing any blog as a reflection on my birthday. But since now i got the time, i will just simply sprinkle something here which may sound weird to you. Brace yourself for a piece of weird writing.

Alright, birthday has been...just another typical day. I didn't expect much. I was so excited and at the same time scared when it's finally 9th December again. I am not ready for 18 yet. Don't want to grow up. x(

I'm so deeply touched when warm birthday wishes came bombarding my phones, calls, text messages, picture messages, Facebook wall comments, birthday songs, presents...thank you guys! Um, spent whole day at home. I went out with a friend at night for a dinner. First time, birthday dinner treat from friend. Didn't manage to do all the things i wanted to do but that was enough. And thanks, for the dinner and stroll. Feel so not used to it though. So i guess i'm not hoping for any dinner treat next year. That's why i said it's the first and (might be) the last.. hmmm. But of course, it still depends.

Well, i feel so bad for myself for spoiling my own birthday. :( Anyways, it had indeed been a special one. Wishes, presents, birthday cards, birthday songs, dinner treat, birthday cake...i had them all. :)

Slept at 3 something this morning. Thoughts kept me from sleeping. So, yeah, you can imagine my day today. Worship practice tomorrow morning, spaghetti cooking in the evening, BBQ at night. Hmm, suddenly feel like trying something tomorrow morning. Hopefully i could go on with the plan.


Oh yea, something valuable i came across lately while reading:

爱你，就要学会放开你。

be normal

We've all

done this before.

been breathing for almost 18 years.

I've been living for almost eighteen years on Earth. That's is a miracle! Being able to wake up everyday, to live another day, is a miracle. Don't you agree? :)

Been breathing for almost 18 years, wonder how many years could i breathe more. Only God knows how much time i left. Nonetheless, i now learnt to treasure every moment i have. Life has indeed taught me lots of things. However, at times, i just hope that i could remain forever in my childhood. I don't need to know all the sophisticated things, i don't need to confront with cruel reality, i don't need to worry. I could just remain naive, innocent, carefree and happy. So i guess growing up isn't something wonderful at all huh.

Anyways, a quick flash back on this year: my life changed tremendously that i could barely accept. Really, this was not an easy year. It was filled with complications, confusions, decisions, depressions and new responsibility to bear. However, just because of all these challenges, this year has marked a new starting point for another stage of life. I'm now sailing towards the other direction of life, no more the one i used to imagine. Just feel the urge to share what i feel about my life now. :)

I have been through the stage of total hopelessness when bitter realities came hitting on me violently, causing my faith to shake and my hope to vanish, and before i could realize, i was stumbling around faithlessly in the midst of deepest despair. That time was really the darkest time in my life, so far. And i was so miserably lost, not knowing what to look forward to. Because i thought my life had ended.

If you have been following my blog, you would know which time i meant. It was the time when i was forced to make decision. Not just any decision, but a decision of a lifetime and i'm betting my future and everything i yet to be to it. Making decision is always difficult! You have to consider all the factors, consequences, the people around you, you yourself, and of course the most important one, HIM. I never liked making decision, but this is life! It's about decisions, sacrifices...bla bla. DECISIONS.

I've always been reminded that things can't always go the way we wanted. So never hope too much. But no matter how many times i've heard it, deep down in my heart, there's still a flicker of hope telling me that, things could perhaps turn out great. But it was till that very moment of life, i felt so intensely that things REALLY can't go the way we wanted. :( And i could foresee that my life will be a completely different one from what i've imagined. And I feared to even take a step forward. I wanted to back off, but there's no way i could go back. My hope deserted me and i felt so deeply lonely although there were people around me to give me support. But none of the support was enough to make me feel okay. I guess it was really a time of spiritually longing that i desperately want someone to be there for me. God saw me in dismay and He reached out His nail pierced hand for me. He hugged me tightly and comforted me that it's okay, He will be there, no matter how difficult the journey will be. Be that a treacherous and arduous mountain path, or an angry roaring sea - - He whispered to my ears that He will be with me.

Before God whispered to me, I was so upset with what reality has gotten me into, i was very angry and frustrated why things didn't go the way i wanted, i was fearful to take any step forward, i refused to stay optimistic, and i even declared that Agnes Lee had died. Thinking back now, i was so foolish. I made everything sound like it's the end of the world. I refused to open up my mind, to take in advice, to listen, to accept, to move on, to let Him come close to me again.

Don't you sometimes feel the same way too? When problems surfaced and we thought God didn't to do anything about it to make things better, we turn away from God like a rebellious teenager. But our Heavenly Father lays aside His majesty, comes close to us, waits patiently beside us until the time we finally reach out our shaking hands to Him so that He could hold them tightly again. To Him, we mean more than anything else, and He just simply wants to be there for us though we can't see Him. And really, it is nothing more blessed than having Jesus as our dearest friend!

At first, i was so furious, disappointed and dejected for being forced into here. Well, to me, the world had ended and I had died. I was blinded by confusion, disappointment, anger, frustration that i couldn't see why I have to be in there. I felt so not worth it for working so hard for every exams. UPSR, PMR, and SPM. What for? What did i get in the end? I was so upset that i thought i would rather take up accountancy, (facing the boring digits, credits, debits, cash in hand, payment voucher...Gah! You can't go anywhere further than dealing with money and digits ey? I don't know, not that accountancy is not good, but personally i'm not into it.) than to suffer in the death of my dreams. But luckily i wasn't daring enough to put a full stop to my life. There's still another tiny voice that told me a full stop should be placed somewhere at the very very end, not now yet. It was tiny because my situation that time was too rowdy for the soft, tiny voice to enter. Surprisingly, that's what kept me alive, searching, searching, searching in darkness for that weak ray of light, that could bring me hope.

Searching for that source of light, is not easy. I have been through a stage where i was just merely alive. A body which is still breathing, still functioning. A brain which is still working, thinking, calculating, operating like normal. A mind which is constantly filled with things, but at times, it's blank. BUT, a soul with no purpose! I was like that you know. You know me, i am an obstinate girl, i can adapt to the environment easily, but i just can't change my mindset easily. You can't just force me to do anything if i think it will not benefit me. It was really a hard time for me to adjust myself and to accept it. Hmm, the adjusting part, i am still working on it. :(

It really takes time, one semester has passed, yet i only improved a little. However, i'm glad that at least now, confusion, disappointment, anger, and frustration has begun to disappear like the fog in the presence of the Sun. Now, i could see a little of the reason why i have to take up this path. I tell you, whatever happens, happens for a reason in God. Really. Well, i won't conclude that choosing to stay in Form 6 and strive for another time is not what He wants in my life, but coming into Teacher's Training College is not something meaningless in His plan too. I remember i prayed to Him and offered up my life for His wonderful plans in me. I told Him i'm willing to share His gospel and be a good example to others, to shine for Him. And i want to do things that He wants me to do.

So, this is it! The road that i could continue with my dream to do something for Him. Although my dreams are gone, but my dreams for Him is still there. It doesn't matter which road i take to complete His dreams. What it matters is am i doing what He wants me/what i've promised Him. So coming into here, i will be trained as a teacher. (something i least expected, but well, never mind.) You know, all this while i thought that in order to do something for Him, i have to be someone with big dreams. But God wants me to think small. We don't have to be big to serve Him. In fact, sometimes, if we are too high up there from the people, we can't really interact with people. Arrogance, perhaps? Or busyness? There would be a lot factors which block us from His people. So, sometimes, it's good to be small too. :) Like this, i would be able to interact with more people, and hey, it's the little children i'm gonna spend maybe a few years with. However, even if it's just a few years, i still could make a big difference in their life. I will use my life to influence their life. My life, not just an ordinary life, but a life walking closely with Jesus and doing what He loves.

God's presence has enlightened my life. :)

So yeah, it's indeed a growing year for me. :) Besides spiritually growth, i have done things i've never done before! Dancing on the stage in front of a hall of audiences, singing in a Karaoke competition, taking part in 100m sprint & relay, camping... You name it, you name it!

Hmm, i'm sure i will still encounter problems in the future, but at least i know that i will always have Him. And though in the future i may be lost for a while and be blinded by circumstances, i know, i will find Him again. I can't guarantee i'm now always being a good example, but i could at least try to be one. So i'm so sorry if i haven't really been one. I'm still learning. And i can't help still having the dreaded feeling of going back to the institute, because i'm still adjusting myself. I'm trying. I'm working on it. There are a lot of things i can't make sure now, but i will learn to leave them with God. I pray that I will always keep my steps close to God, so that His presence is able to illuminate my mind and my soul, nourish my soul and spirit. And i pray for His light to guide me, keep me from turning left or right so that i will stay on the narrow path that leads to life in Him.

I'm a gardener of Jesus, putting little seeds of His love into the heart of the children He loves.
I'm a gardener of Jesus, taking care of the germinating seeds and make sure they grow healthily.
I'm a gardener of Jesus, spreading the seeds of His love to the world! :)


This post is what i have been wanting to type out, but again, yeah, busy with this busy with that. But now, since i'm having holiday (but not for long) so i'd better type it out before packed schedules set in again. It took me whole afternoon man. However, worth it! I really wish to share what i've been through, how God has saved me again to you all. :)

Thank You, God, for always being there, my almost 18 years on Earth. :)

Continue to guide me, O Lord.
I'm counting on You! :)
Amen.

random

the girl who was sitting at the Bing cafe = emo?

lol.

should have taken the pic of that lah you! haha

Anyways, feeling so stupid.

[no reply pls, thanks.]

How long

can i live like this?

When we talk about perseverance, persistence, and pertinacity, i wonder where is their limit. How long can one actually endure? How determined can one be? How many times can one stand up again after miserable falls?

and how long can i wait? :S

Sibu Trip (21.11-01.12.2009)

Just came back from Sibu today. It was a special trip, a trip for me to unwind, a trip that opened my eyes, a trip that made my heart feel a different way towards things in life.

Master Chef Restaurant, Sibu

Had an expensive, delightful and scrumptious dinner with daddy's friend. And then followed by luscious dessert. =9 Really ate to the heart's content. 3 hours man!

Apple Restaurant, Bintulu

Had dinner with Uncle William and his family when we reached Bintulu. It was a total indulgence enjoying this Coconut Pudding. Fresh and sweet.

It was till then we realized how tiny we actually are.
[Uncle William's house, Bintulu]

a lonely road

The light was actually one of the chimney with radiant flame, burning with full blast, that never keep the sky lonely. Bintulu's night sky is never dark. How noisy it was up there, and how lonely it was down there. [Bintulu]

When can this stop?

It's late at night, when everyone is snoring, smiling while dreaming...the Earth is being destroyed slowly yet destructively. The factories are still working despite days and nights. 24 hours, throughout the whole year, never stop working. Emitting thick smoke which contains hazardous chemicals and harmful particles that will affect every living thing's respiratory system. They trigger Asthma. That is why, Bintulu marked one of the highest rate of Asthma in whole Malaysia. [Bintulu]

A plane.

What does it look like to you?
An adult carrying a child. :)
[on the way back to Kuching]

A pleasant view. How magnificent!
Thank You, Lord, for every fascinating things You created.
[Grandma's house, Sibu]

Last but not least, this trip was even memorable because the whole family spent the time together. It was really joyful sharing things, laughing at the same thing, feeling things the same way (we are connected!), teasing at each other (naughty at times), having arguments (but still different), sleeping together, squeezing each other and...LOTS! :) Have to appreciate every moment in our life and to cherish all the beautiful memories we had together.

放慢生活的舞步，
才能去欣赏身边的每一样美好景色。

Highlights

It's been quite some time again since i last posted something on what has happened lately. The right mood just didn't seize in. Here are some pictures and photos taken, the highlights. :)

my DIY which i've made it a few months ago. :)

Grace graduated! I'm so proud of you, sis! :)
(err she's always like that, never wants to be serious when taking photo, so yeah, this is the best one i could find, edited using Photoshop. The background is blurred.)

First time cooking instant noodle using this method. Not good at all. :( I would rather starve than eating any of the food cooked in this way.

Abseiling! It was fun!

Watched Disney's A Christmas Carol 3D in MBO! The 3D effect was awesome!

being a lil emo... xD

current MSN display pic: catch me when i fall.

No matter what, keep on hoping. :)

If you have two choices:
one is to hope for the best, another one is to expect the worst.
which one would you choose?