identity crisis.

After weeks of dwelling in this phase of life, i'm ready to share it here. Perhaps, this would help me in seeing things clearer. Writing always helps me to lay out my issues and see things clearly. So...here it goes!

identity crisis [noun]
a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

This is exactly what i am facing and experiencing now. Here are the problems: I recently find myself keep thinking that i am too imperfect, i have no confidence, i'm slacking off, i'm becoming worse, and i just don't fit in anywhere anymore! I constantly find myself doubting the things i am/was (see i am not even sure of it myself!) interested in. I seem to be too absorbed in finding who i really am until i really lost myself. Errr, does that make any sense to you?

I think becoming a twentysomething does affect me, a little. I begin to feel the burden of the responsibilities I carry on my shoulder and I am more aware of every little and big action I do. And most of the time, i wondered if i was really doing what i should do, with what i have, at where i am, to the right people. 

I feel burnt out and find myself ranting all the time over busyness, busyness, and busyness. Commitments. Duties. I need to learn how to reorder my priorities so that I won't wear myself down. Many times, I found myself feeling so exhausted after tonnes of work. Giving tuition classes is really a heavy duty on me as I have to sacrifice and sometimes squeeze out my time for them. Can I really take it? If i cannot do it, i should say no. I think it might take me years or forever to learn to say 'no'.

I also become more sensitive of my appearance. Usually girls experience this during teenage hood, but apparently mine comes later. Oh well~ Anyway, I have a very negative self-image. Most of the time i see myself as ugly. I sighed and felt sad looking at the pretty clothes in my wardrobe. An increase of 1kg would freak me out. I crave for exercises. Real sweating exercises so that it could help me release endorphin which will make me happy. Sadly, it's been raining almost every evenings and i couldn't go enjoy tennis. This is sad. 

Next is...SELF-CONFIDENCE! My self-confidence shrunk! I used to be very confident. Ah, how much i miss the Agnes last time and her great self-confidence. I wish i could become her again. I realized i value myself too lowly. I think about myself as being really small, as being someone not important. Also, I doubt my capabilities. I doubt even the things that I am good at. I doubt if i was meant to be a teacher. I doubt if i could do my job well. Things didn't turn out as i thought and i start to judge and evaluate myself. Is this really for me?

When I meet someone, I become over self-conscious, I am very concerned over how others would look at me. Would they talk to me and feel that I have nothing special in me and get disappointed because I don't measure up to their expectation? Was I doing things the right way? Will it push other people away? Am I good enough? So I became overly careful with the way I bring myself. I tensed up, and when I tensed up, I was not being myself anymore, and things got even worse. 

When I reflect on myself these few months, I really see the impact of my slowly disappearing self-confidence. What has gone wrong? Is it because the strikes of reality that make me aware of the many many imperfections i have in me? Or is it actually because i was over confident last time? Why did my self-confidence desert me? 

My best friend said, "Be happy, be beautiful, be confident". Every word penetrates right through me and wakes me up. I seriously need to collect my self-confidence back. I need to practise my charm - the unspoken aura that comes from within. I need to know and acknowledge my own worth. I need to think I am good, special, and unique in my very own way. I need to appreciate my talents - they are wonderful gifts from God. Why do I have to try so hard to please everyone else? I just have to be the Agnes at her very best. Don't just sparkle, shine! Let your confidence shine and that is the best and most powerful possession i could ever have. I am awesome, capable, and beautiful. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

Yes! My Creator made me the way He wants me to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I declare that His works are wonderful - and that means I am wonderful too because He made me. I need to start to learn to look at myself differently. My Father God sees me and smiles and thinks I am wonderful. I need to look at myself through God's eyes.

Don't just be yourself;

Be the BEST VERSION of yourself.