Holiday #11

天父啊！你名何其美，你荣耀彰显于天，
当我看你手所造的天，还有月亮和星宿。
我就说主我算什么，你竟顾念我，
叫我比天使微小一点，又赐我尊贵
荣耀为冠冕，派我掌管你所造的万物。

天父啊！你名何其美，你慈爱溢满天地，
当我看你手所造的地，还有花草和万兽。
我就说主我算什么，你竟顾念我，
我能为你做什么事，教我如何来，
回报你大爱，主啊，你名何其美在全地。

美丽又尊贵的大爱

看到如此绽炫美丽的夕阳，我看到这创造者的大能，恩惠和爱。不禁使这首优美的诗歌（取自大卫王的诗篇）在我脑海中，心怀中荡漾。

天父上帝的爱。。。如此美丽！如此尊贵！

我们也应该用一生来回报主的深厚大爱。

我们的天父上帝时时刻刻顾念我们，真的真的很爱我们。


P/s: 请包涵我这已 “生锈” 的中文。

Holiday #10

O Lord,
Thank You for Your love that keeps us going on through difficult moments in life.
we know that You see and You hear.
we cast all our anxieties on You.
we put all these, and everyone, every hearts in Your mighty hands
and we know, we believe You have Your own time.
Meanwhile, Lord please look after us,
pour Your abundant grace on us,
grant us strength and keep us going,
no matter how treacherous the journey is
no matter how faint the hope seems to be
we shall not grow weary.
Our strength comes from You;
our hope is found in You.
Lord, remind us, constantly remind us that You are always here,
watching, listening...
You will never leave us or forsake us.
We believe in You,
we know there's always hope,
we know Your help is on the way.
Comfort them with your mighty love and wipe their tears.
Deliver those who are in pain, Lord.
Strengthen their hearts Lord so that they may not turn to despair.
we trust in You.
we trust in You, our Lord.
In the name of Jesus Christ, AMEN.

Holiday #9

This song keeps playing in my mind now...

Everybody wants to be loved
every once in a while
we all need someone to hold on to
just like a helpless child
yeah
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright

it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
and like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming

you can look for a lifetime
you can love for a day
you can think you got everything but
everything is nothing when you throw it away
yeah
then you look in my eyes
and i have it all
once again

it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been waiting for
just like a lonley highway
i'm trying to get home
ooo loves been a long time coming

didn't know i was lost
til you found me
uh huh
didn't know i was blind
but now i see
can you whisper in my ear
let me know it's alright
it's been a long time coming
down this road
and now i know
what i've been searching for

oh been a long long highway and
now i see
ooo loves been a long time
ooo been a long time
loves been a long time coming

Holiday #8

Sigh.

I let my frustrations out on people who have nothing to do with it,
yet are the closest to me.
I'm sorry.

Holiday #7

Too many things i wanted to write.
Too many reasons i think i shouldnt write.

Thinking of some funny things about life and people.

Holiday #6

lies.

Holiday #5

I can't believe i was down with fever and bad sore throat and now flu! What a great combo to kick start my holiday? haha. The worst thing (and the quite ironic fact) is that i can't take medicine or sweat to recover from my fever. Well, cuz i am still doing my patch test. This fever was indeed totally self-recovery!! (Now who says we must see a doctor, or take medicine?) 

Normally i don't take medicine too, but i would wrap myself in thick blanket and get myself to sweat and eventually i would feel better. However, this time round, due to the patch test, i was told i cannot sweat. And i had to sleep with my back on top. Torturing. I ended up waking up with my rib bones in pain and feeling like they would break anytime soon. In order to fight the coldness, i wrapped my legs and arms with blanket, turned on the fan so that my back won't sweat. And so i ended up sweating for my limbs, and not on my back...? I wondered if it really had worked that way. haha! (By the way, the fan was the culprit why i am now down with flu after fever was gone.)

Aaaah, just feel so sick. To add on to that, suddenly got a heavy dose of nostalgic feeling.. sigh. It's like cuz holidays have given me more time to think, to reflect on my life... and there it led me to the past and the shadows i can't seem to move on from... 

Decisions, people, expectations...

Would it upset you if that's the decision i would choose in the end?

Would you think i'm selfish?

Holiday #4

12.11.12

As for today... Nothing much happened, but many things struck my mind. Suddenly feel tensed. I guess this holiday is again not for me to enjoy. :( I went to hospital for patch test and now i have patches sticking on my back. The doctor said no sports for these five days. Boo-hoo!

And very recently, i just received a news. DEEP SIGH. I hope, and i really really pray that everything will be fine. God will take care of all right? 

Tomorrow, i am supposed to attend some Christian teachers' sharing at a pastor's office in the morning. However, i have an emergency duty which i offer to take it myself and it clashes with the sharing. I feel torn between two decisions. I know, first is i have promised i would go and they seemed so anticipated for the sharing tomorrow. But what suddenly held me back is i need to be somewhere else, with someone tomorrow morning. :( It's important, very important. Actually i might still have another one with my lecturers and Fiona tomorrow morning for our drama t-shirts. However, that one i can just let Fiona handle it as it is not a very big concern. I texted the pastor to inform him i can't make it tomorrow, but until now i still receive no reply. They must be very disappointed with me right now. 

Then, there are also more tuition classes coming. I really don't know if i could handle it but i really need to work.

Somehow everything just looks complicated to me today. :(

Father God, calm my heart.

Holiday #3

10.11.12

On Saturday I had an awesome morning with kolomee and friends. After that, we went to Kuching International Airport to send our friends off. I always don't know the feeling to be sent off by someone from the airport (Of course, not for travelling purposes, just you know, you meet airport because of study). 

Before going back home, we stopped by Boulevard to grab some good stuff for my brother and sister. A birthday present and two Christmas presents! I hope they love them! :)

At night, went out with a special friend to celebrate 10-11-12 at Mr Ho's Fine Food. The ambiance was superb and the food was really delicious! We both prepared presents to give on that day and yes, i got a mini Lego white grand piano. It's just super adorable!! Apart from that, i also received some extra presents. Wow...all are meaningful ones. Thanks! :)

The long stretched corridor with red curtains.

 

* * *

Holiday #2

It's just the second day of holiday and i'm already soo drained out! I didn't do much today but yes, i AM exhausted. 

Today we had a final gathering for this semester before everyone went back home. It was good to be in the chapel again. :) It's was even re-assuring to hear sharing from brothers and sisters in Christ. Two of my seniors did extremely well in exam. One thing which struck me after the sharing: "If you honour God, God will honour you". It's very true - - God sees our heart! I wish i could be like them too. But i feel like these few semesters, as the lecture method changed, i feel like i've become lazier. :( I gotta work harder next sem!

The whole afternoon was spent with Miley. We had some quality chatting time, and did a lil shopping. Before sending Miley to her uncle's house, i brought her to grotto to pray. It is the place i love so much cuz i always feel peaceful there. That was also a place where many fervent prayers were lifted up. Come to think of it, i haven't visited that place for quite some time too. After praying, Miley said it was really good, she felt so peaceful, so joyful. WOW! Praise the Lord! :)

Tonight, I actually wanted to sleep early today but i received a call and a friend of mine asked me to go out of the house. I saw him waiting at the gate with presents. After receiving the presents, i felt, and feel terribly bad. I really don't want him to do so much. :( He even handmade something...it's like...i really can't take those, and i don't want to. But i guess as i've already grown older in age, and i begin to feel reluctant to reject people straight away as i understand how hurt it will. On the other hand, to just ignore it will hurt him equally bad too as he won't know my clear signal. I just need the courage to break his heart, i guess. :/

That's all for today.

Seriously need to recharge.

Holidays, welcome in!

It's FINALLY holiday! I've been waiting for this moment for so long! And it's finally here! I already have a long long list of what to do in this holiday, but i think mostly will be working, giving tuition classes, attending music classes, meeting up with friends, sports, reading novels, watching movies, sleeping, and travelling!

The exam was pretty difficult. =/ But anyway, it's over now, so bye and throw it off my head. It's time to relax. I deserve it! Two months holidays! :) Thank God for it!!! :)

Holiday - Day 1

Hello Holiday!

I went out to hunt for lovely presents after meeting with Mdm Angie and the cast and committee members for the upcoming drama next semester. I was supposed to go to this Tribal Scoops (which i've googled and the food just looked heavenly tempting!) this afternoon with sis Grace. However, it's been put off to next week which is a better idea as it won't be rush! So, i had more time to hunt for my presents for a dinner sometime soon! 

Preparing presents is such a wonderful feeling!

At night, went out for an impromptu dinner at Sharing Planet. The food was as usual, awesome and large portion. We really ate till our heart's content! Thank You for the food, Lord! Everyone praised that my dress looked pretty. :D And i proudly told everyone it was given by my cousin, and it was like, for more than 10 years dy! I just added the belt and i guess belt made wonders? :P 

A great start for a holiday!

How much is enough?

How much is enough for you to see that i'm trying to help you too?
How much is enough to show you that i really want to do my best part...
Never had i wanted to make you feel bad.
:(

I'm sorry.

Tears...to JOY!

Did one of the craziest things during study week. 1130pm, felt sleepy so headed to the bed. On the bed, i continued reading my novel before the real sleepiness set in....but ended up, spending the whole night until almost dawn reading and crying (and it's like crying really badly, and at some of the point it was hard to stop). Stopped then cried as the sad part appeared, stopped and cried... What a night of tears!

Then the wonderful thing is this morning i woke up to chirping of birds! Feel so wonderful despite the awful night (which i can't explain why i was so emotional, perhaps kinda related the characters to some people around me). 

In short, it reminded me how sad last night was and how beautiful the morning is today! From tears to JOY! It's another beautiful day given by God. 

Are you breathing?

If yes, GIVE THANKS! 

And live today to the fullness, live it as a gift to God.

The novel which won the most tearul novel, so far!

Reflection on the novel 'The Best of Me' by Nicholas Sparks:

What Tuck has written in the letter for Dawson and Amanda really touched me. Dealing with relationship, some may find ourselves lost, stuck in between choices, and sometimes, even disappointed for whatever choices we have made in the past. And often than not, we make the not-so-right decision when we are confused.

The love between Tuck and his wife, Clara was also a touching love story as love continued on even when one passed away, Tuck could still feel her presence every time whenever he embraced in the memories of them together. And their love soothed the pain Tuck had to go through after the loss of his dearly loved wife.

There is really love that keeps to its promise when one said "I give you the best of me".

There could be a person whom claimed that he loves you, and he will do until the end, only loving you.

There are people whose right to love and live with their true loves is taken away just because of social status, or even family history. 

There is also love when you know you could stay to give the person you love the best he/she needs, yet at the same time the best for him/her or you is for you to walk away.

The ending... 

(i leave it for you, don't wanna be a spoiler! :P)

Affairs.

Used to have one true love....

Agnes and violin...

As time goes by, i started to grow interest in other things. I wanted to achieve more. 

Piano, guitar, ukulele, flute...

lots and lots...

Sometimes i wonder, am i talented enough to learn all? Cuz i really hope i could. I enjoy the joy different kinds of musical instruments brought me. However, am i too ambitious? Am i too distracted and hence fail to focus on just one thing?

Tonight, i realized that i am far from good in playing piano, which i claimed as my forte. :( Perhaps, i have abandoned it for a long time, the feelings faded a bit. After the practice just now, i feel that the skill and knowledge i have for piano is just the surface level. There's still lots of things i haven't mastered. Feel rather ashamed in front of others. =/ and a little stressed.

They are good.

I feel like it's back to the first time when i wanted to play piano. It's when i saw people could play so well, and i wished i could play like them too. I wondered since young, why didn't my parents send me fr violin class or piano class... But i believe it's not to late to begin again now, is it?

During this year end's long holiday, 

i have decided to do something...for my dreams. :)

Drifted apart.

In response to something what i feel lately.

Actually wanted to say this for a long time. Don't want to post on Facebook to make a big fuss out of it, or to make people starting to guess who that person is (i know how that feels like). Just suddenly feel that it's better not to get close with someone at the first place. 

The time and effort you put in for someone, were all forgotten. In a blink of eyes, people turned and said you minded their flaws. Well, i don't want to explain more, i'm sure my explanation is not wanted as well (as i have tried), even if i didn't mean the thing but if others thought otherwise. Even if now i'm trying to at least make the first move to save it back, it seems to be no avail. There's no use to save it back anymore, perhaps. Words said, impressions mad (for both parties). I'm not saying i didnt do anything wrong, i made mistakes too, in this.

Perhaps, people just haven't known me truly yet. But i won't say that they're wrong with what they are doing. 

In whatever you do, make sure you are happy! :) Be happy!

It has to be like this.

ToMrSomebody,
Whenilookatyou,sometimesiwouldfeelbadwhydidihavetomakeyousufferthatmuch.
Iknowyouaretryingtomendthingsnow,butisitnottoolate?
Iknowthisiscruel.iknowiamdoingwrongtoonow,iknowyouhaveaheart,youhavefeelings,
andtheywayithrewharshwordsatyoureallyhurtsalotright?
Timewillheal.everyonehastopayforthepriceofourownmistakes,thatistherule.
Sorrythatihurtyoubutthisisreallytheonlyway.Getusedtoit.Youwillbeokay.
IpraytoGodthatHewillalwaysbewithyou,inyourdeepestdepressionandloneliness,
HewillreachoutHiscaringandlovinghandstohugyoutight.
IpraytoGodthatHewillrevealthereasonsbehindallthissothatitwontbesopainfulforustobear.
Hewillpullthroughwithyou,sostaystrong,andmoveon.

today.

Today was bad. Had a sleepless night trying to complete everything including tonight's work, cuz i knew i won't have time so i continued doing until it was morning. Sadly, things were just bad. Feeling very frustrated, stirred, annoyed, and pressured. Guess i will have to leave the final touch up for tomorrow morning.

Stressed. i cannot squeeze my time out anymore. 

answers. answers. and answers. 

I really wish God appears here. :(

God i need you, in many many things. 

many many things.

I'm just too weak to go through all these.

What is on my mind?

Breathe...breathe...breathe! *gasp for air*

Whoosh, life's been super duper busy than ever! Two major artwork done, at least! I feel a lil bit lighter but still the load of other assignments are still weighing me down. :( When is all this going to end? I know i always jokingly tell my friends "the only time we could stop working is when we're dead" (which is in fact the truth) but now i really just hope i could stop working just for a few days. I need rest! :(

Okay, i'm about to go very disorganized.... jumbled thoughts of many things.

A lot of things are bugging me lately. Talked to friends, mom...perhaps i was too busy living life, and i wasn't really living me myself.

At times, i would pause and look back, recall the things i've done, guilt and regret gushed in and engulfed me instantly. Many things i could have done, i should have done...or shouldn't have done. hmm. Trying to run away and avoid won't solve anything too right...

or is that really the right choice but you just turn the option away and refuse to believe it?

family is often the closest and nearest people you easily neglected. i'm really sorry, mom and dad. However, after the artwork project, i feel a new strong bond formed between each and everyone of us. it feels so warm, and i know it's love.

mistakes.
mistakes.
mis.
takes.

Nosey people.

I know what i'm doing. Before you poke your nose into my life, make sure you know what actually happened first.

These few days i was suddenly fumed with anger again. Thanks to some unsolved issues. Welcome to the world, as my friend would say. There are always people who will try to pull you down. But one thing for sure is, i know what i'm doing. God knows too. And i'm not scared of whatever remarks you will throw about me. But to others, before you poke your nose into my life, start to judge if i did it wrong or bad, make sure you really know what actually happened. Stories can be fake or true, what have you heard? what have you seen? Are they true? Well, get the facts right first before you start labeling others.

Dear Lord, help me to control my emotions

so that i won't do things that upset you.

Decision made!

Hola! I'm here just to post a very quick update. :) 

No more dilemma!!! :) Feel at peace, thank You, Lord! :) Does truth matter? Yes and no. :) Well, don't worry, i won't do the same thing upon you, cuz i am not like you. Even though you succeeded causing a big stir and discomfort within myself, God has now calmed the raging storm in me. I won't let what you did before or what you do now, or, what you said before or what you say now to change me. Ultimately, in life, we may upset people cuz we are not the 'good kinds' they thought we should be, but i would rather lose those perceptions from other people than to upset my Father God. 

Forgive. :)

Peaceful and joyful. Praise the Lord! I will still be me. :) 

I have the proofs and the truth, but i will keep them. Unless some people come and approach me. No one has the right to judge one another, before you judge me, maybe you should just come and ask me what the whole thing actually is. :) We don't always say but not doing anything we said. Walk the talk! 

Super exhausted now, will retire early for the night. :) 

Pray for the missionary camp during this weekend! Thanks!

Drama's over!

This post is not to condemn anyone, please take note if you are too sensitive. 

Lately, many things happened and they all blew me hard enough. Through this kind of hard times, really opened my eyes to the colours of the world and the masks people are wearing. 

Tolerate.

How much can you tolerate? And until what extent? 

Well, this 'incident' gave me a very hard blow and brought along with it many 'side effects'. It's very easy to destroy others' image eh? However, not to worry, i still hold tight to my promise to God, which is i won't do bad to my enemy. :) At first, i chose to kept silent. However, i guess there're really things where you need to stand up and defend yourself.

I've been struggling between to tell or not to tell. If i don't tell, i will have to carry that 'bad image' unless if people really believe in me (but how many will?). I can't let it continue, truth must be known. If i didn't do it, yes, i will show to you all i did not do it. And in the end, i realized, you won't do a person any better if you only just keep tolerating. Cuz in a way you are encouraging him/her to continue with what he/she did. Everything comes with a lesson. Some learnt it the easy way, some just have to learn it the hard way. Instead of tolerating, it's time i should let the truth come to light. Initially, i have decided to ignore it, but after how serious it has become, no, i am not gonna let it like this. It's concerning my image and my friends. Just because of that, i have lost so much of my precious things, and people. Forgiving is not hating you, but at the same time also letting you realized how it has destroyed other's life. Just because of one untrue story, some immature actions, you've made people labeled me the other way. No, really, i do not hate you, but look, we need to learn things in life. Consequences for what we have done. And what i am doing is not to put you in any bad situation, but to save things back. Or else, i am gonna live in your shadows. 

I'm telling the truth, not a made-up story.

I will put everything back to place. 

The friendships i used to have, the image, and my own self.

Erm.......

It has been a long time again! It's July now and seriously, wow... this semester is not for joke. It's just the first few weeks of lecture and i am already feeling the tension and pressure. Feeling like i never had enough time to really do all the things i want, or is it really due to my poor time management? *sigh*

Last week our class, together with the BC group, organized a three-day field trip for Art. It was awesome!!! For almost 12 years in Kuching, i had never stepped into Sarawak Cultural Village until that day! Yes, i know. However, the entrance fee is really expensive. RM15 for students. Wow...:( And the trip was just so fun, get to know more about other unique cultures. ;) Always in my interest.

Life.
is Great!!!

Well, to me, it's just not my style to show everyone that i have problems. But at times, things got into an extent i gotta vent it somewhere. Some people really have to learn life the hard way. sigh. Words and advice can't make them learn. But then again, should i? :( Will it be what God desires in the end if i do it? Stuck in between.

Hmm, nvm, my thoughts are jumbled up now.
Sorry for the very disorganized entry.

Gonna continue to do my work. :)

Trau...ma?

I just cannot! :(
I really wonder, why is it always so stressed, tensed and pressured when it comes to playing double for tennis? I just can't face it eh? :( The double match was...aiyo. I tried to calm myself down, self-talked, self-cheered, breathing...but they were all in vain. I just somehow couldn't muster enough confidence to play double. My partner (a new guy whom i do not know the name), asked, 'Why you could play so well just now (single) but double can't?' He knew that i was under pressure. :/ Oh well... somehow just can't throw away the trauma...

sigh.

Trauma.
Trauma.

Yes,
Trauma.

Expectations and Reality

Expectations we carry.

The message this photo conveys is exactly how i feel now..it's kinda true, many times i just have to bear the expectations of others. People expect me to be smart, hardworking, good... people expect me to be excellent in everything... Not only other people are putting their expectations on you, most of the time, you yourself are also constantly pressuring yourself with expectations. My result this time, *deep sigh* i can't imagine how bad it will be, but i could feel the day coming...I would be very crushed down in regrets and disappointment. Mom and dad would definitely be very upset over it. But Lord, please teach me not to fall into the trap and fill myself with hatred for the cause of my bad performance in academic. :(

The higher you climbed, the more painful the fall is. :'(

I failed to plan the cushion for my fall and this time the fall hurts so badly. :(

If humans are not born with emotions and feelings, we won't be affected by other people's remarks on us right? Yeap. Then we would be able to concentrate better in things we are supposed to do. Things would be better, way better. And i would still be me. 

if only...

Humans. Feelings. Revenge. Emotions. Ego. Patience. Silence. Happiness. Hatred. Immaturity. Anger. Disappointment. Failure. Chances. 

Second chance.

A new semester!

A new semester, hopefully a new start, and a new chance. :)

The holiday was really awesome! Totally enjoyed it! The Penang trip was so wonderful and i'm truly grateful towards my friend's parents for bringing us around and treated us with Penang's delicious food and all! Woots! What a memorable trip! :) As for KL trip, it was another fun first shopping trip with the sisters! Love it! The nights at hotel and Hindi movie were all fantastic and superb! (Oh by the way, even watching the fan while lying down could also make us giggle!) I wanted to write an entry on it with the all photos, but my laptop has just been reformatted so i lost my bluetooth and Samsung Kies. In other words, i can't transfer the photos! Boohoo! It's okay, we shall wait then. :) 

Back to campus............................. lectures, assignments, presentations, camps and everything..again! First few days lesson, i was really worn out dy. Lectures from morning until evening! And, i have a presentation tomorrow, descriptive and prescriptive grammar. Question mark, question mark! However, thank God that one was 60% done dy. Gotta continue later after watching TV. :D

Yesterday evening, after lecture, went to clean up the chapel with Alynna, Pet, and Miaw. Love to clean chapel. And i really appreciated the time with them, even though it was just laughing at each other, shouting, talking...it's just so wonderful. I wanted to say a prayer for someone, but i didn't get to say. Hopefully i could say it in this week.

By the way, my brother is back, and his hair is super long! haha!

These few days, i've been thinking that this semester may not be easy. :( It's like a playback of last year. *sigh* Things that happened in particular months and all... they are all coming back, again. They are going to remind me of the painful memories. Brace yourself, girl.

Travelling!

Half way doing packing, I'm almost done with it! :)

This time i will not be bringing Dido... :) Just make it a very simple trip. hehe. One last week of holiday..................................................................................

1st Week of Holiday

Holiday is always nice! Wheehee!
Gayu Guru Gerai Nyamai! :)

Well, just a review of the past semester. :) Here i go.

For this semester, wow...give thanks to the Lord!!! Tears and pain, joy and laughter, ups and downs... He stretched me and made me grow even wiser. :) Who's your life's focus? What's your life's focus? Hrmmm. Worth to ponder on. Thanks and sorry for all. Have a great holiday! :)
*goodbye!*

That was supposed to be my last Facebook shoutout. :) And yes... am going to de-activate my Facebook. So if you read this, just to let you know from today onwards, contact me via mobile phones, email, WhatsApp, or any other alternatives...:)

True enough, this semester was like crazy. It almost drove me insane. Misunderstandings, conflicts, twisted stories here and there... Humans are really complicated... =/ At a point of time, i asked myself the most ironic question, is forgiving something wrong too? Well, it seemed like when i wanted to forgive someone, it may also make others feel bad about me. But, we have to forgive, cuz if our Father God is already such a forgiving God to forgive ALL our sins, why can't we, at least just forgive others for just ONE mistake they made? Yes, i agree, we are not God, but that's the point, if we are not God, then who are we to hold grudges against others?

Another thing would be my studies. It wasn't going on very well cuz most of the time i was very emotionally affected. :( Moreover, some of the lecture styles totally changed! How could we study with just a few pages of notes? Another thing, i am the type of person who benefits from lectures. :( But, well, at tertiary level, you were told to be independent and look for more information yourselves. However, how can we possibly do that, without a certain amount of input or guidelines so that at least we know we are on the right track, or the materials that we found would be appropriate, and so on? Hmmm. Well, still, we have the responsibility to work it out. So can't put the blame on ineffective lectures.

Well, indeed this semester has been another semester for me to stretch myself even more, and to reach to the limits and explore the world around me. It was an eye-opening semester to many things! People, things, faith, prayers, God's plans Vs human's plans...and well, really a lot of things. But really, thank God cuz i could still be here, sane, and typing some really logical things. haha. (there were some points i thought i might become mad) Well, fingers crossed, hopefully next semester would be a better one! :)

One powerful short sharing from a lecturer just the day before semester break is this:

Who are you living for? Are you living for God or people?

Typical Christians' answer: 

God, but we still live in a reality world, and we are constantly judged by others, evaluated by others, of course we have to.......blah.

NO BUT.

*a smack on the face* WOW! I could literally feel a wake up slap! This lecturer was praying for me and this super short sharing was just so wonderful and enlightening! I know, many times, when i declare that i am living for God, i still somehow evaluate myself through other people, in a way i am living to impress them, living for them. However, to say that you can't be affected by people, well, it is of course difficult. You really need a great capacity of patience. Fuuuh! Which i think from young till now, i just cannot. I care too much from the outside, i suppose. Things i do, what would people think of me if i say this, or do that... Well, really need to learn to get back on the right track!

1st week of holiday is gone... TWO more weeks to go! Yeeha! :) 

Stay strong!

Keep fighting!!

Trust in GOD!

In the midst of exam...

It's been a while. (again) 

Actually now i'm having my exam for Semester 3. Time really flies! Can't believe i'm actually here, sitting for my exam and soon, holiday - half a year is gone! Wow. It never fails to amaze me how fast and how easily things can slide when we didn't pay much attention to them. 

I don't feel like sleeping yet so here i am to sprinkle some words. Life has been... :) *smile* Whether it's good or bad, you just gotta smile and go through it strongly, right? :) I personally believe that every problem is God's plan to stretch us, mould us, or sometimes, even have to break us, so that we could be how He wants us to be. A lot of things happened this semester. Scary, unexpected, devastating and more... 

LOVE. 

I never knew a four-letter word could demand so much. So much that you really think you are no one good enough to say you love someone, or you could love someone, or, you have loved someone. 

LOVE is a big word which demands you to OVERLOOK many unpleasant things, words, or actions. Maybe it's something people have done to you, or the words...Sometimes, you just have to be blind to love them. Afterall, love is blind. Haha!

LOVE is a big word which demands you to ACCEPT the past, whether it's your past, the ones you treasure, or the ones whom dislike you. Accept things someone did in the past, even though they are causing pain to you now. Accept your own mistakes, your own past, open a new chapter and start writing again! :)

LOVE is a big word which demands you to FORGIVE. To forgive yourself, and others. Enough with self-pity! If you love yourself, if you love God and love His creation (which is you), stop indulging yourself in self-pity. Forgive yourself, set yourself free. You deserve something way better! God has given us so much more, why choose the bad ones? And this is the hardest part, i have seen people talking about 'forgiveness' yet when it comes to action, we know ourselves how much we can forgive others. It is really hard to forgive, especially when they have hurt you so much, so much. 

LOVE is a big word which demands you to BE PATIENT. If you want to love others, first learn to be patient. How much can you love? How long can you wait? In loving your enemies, how much can you love them? How long can you hold on?

Basically, these are just lessons learnt. *fuuuh~* i have to admit that i am not good at all those, it just seems really hard to LOVE. However, i promised to God i will try. And i really want to try. Not to show to others, but it's my promise to my Father, whom has demonstrated LOVE through His grace and blessings. And yes, sometimes, i feel unfair, i feel frustrated. Why could they do all those things to me yet i had to swallow? It's easy right, i could do the same by unleashing all i felt out. I'm also a human being. I have feelings, too. I can't just keep swallowing. I could just blaaaaaaah and do the same. However, i really don't want to do that. Maybe to others, it's running away; to me, it's running to GOD. Seriously, i admit that it blew me very badly, and yes, there were times i almost broke down and wondered why the test was so difficult. And yes, many times, it just made me feel so unloved... However, when we choose to cast our problems to God, He shows us it can be easy if you cling on to Him. Wait for HIM, in His time, He makes all things perfect. :) And when i draw myself closer to Him, He showed me how much more He loves me than i thought. Thank You, Father God. 

I'm still praying over it. 

I will not break the promise with God.

I'm waiting for God's perfect timing. 

Father God, show me the message behind this mess.

I will wait upon You.

God knows.

Life's been pretty... indescribable, unfathomable, unexpected lately. The roller coaster keeps going up and down, round and round,

round and round...

Sometimes there was an assuring peaceful moment; sometimes unexpected things just exploded uncontrollably; sometimes your view got really blurred and you just couldn't see the road ahead clearly; sometimes everything turned so rowdy and you really found it hard to hear the voice - God's calming and assuring voice in the midst of all noises; sometimes life drove you crazy until you felt like running away from everything; sometimes people hurt you made you feel so unwanted and unloved; sometimes you felt helpless when you know the truth was distorted; sometimes you wished someone could just give you a pat on your shoulder to say 'I still trust you' when everyone had their fingers pointed at you; sometimes you wished for people to believe in you for what they truly know about you despite the things they saw and heard; sometimes life got so unfair but the only option you had was to go along with it; sometimes your spirit grew faint and you were just too timid to make another move on; sometimes you felt like giving up, sometimes you felt terribly lost, sometimes you felt so devastated and dismayed;

sometimes you felt like you don't belong here.

How long more, O Lord?
How much more, O Lord?
Will i be able to pull through?
What is it that You want me to learn this time?

Teach me, Lord.
If it means to break me, break me, Lord.
Test me. Mould me. Guide me.
Comfort me. Assure me.

Teach me not to pull through in ways my emotions would take me,
But in the ways that You desire.
Teach me not to hurt other people
But to love them and pray for them.
Teach me not to join them and not to utter unpleasant words
But to bless them with good words.
Teach me not be be hasty in making any decision
But to wait in Your time.

Dear Lord, only You know.
Lord, grant me strength, perseverance, and confidence.

Lord...

Kiss The Rain

I often close my eyes,
And I can see you smile.
You reach out for my hand,
And I'm woken from my dream.
Although your heart is mine,
It's hollow inside.
I never had your love,
And I never will.

And every night
I lie awake,
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you,
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes?

I've never felt this way,
To be so in love,
To have someone there,
Yet feel so alone.
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears?
The one to say that you would never leave?

The waters calm and still,
My reflection is there.
I see you holding me
But then you disappear.
All that is left of you,
Is a memory
On that only, exists in my dreams.

I don't know what hurts you,
But I can feel it too.
And it just hurts so much,
To know that I can't do a thing.
And deep down in my heart,
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you...

So why am I still here in the rain?

Reluctance.

Lately...

I'm grateful that God is always here, through thick and thin. Really thankful for His presence in my hard times and His timely help when i was about to break. Few weeks ago was my darkest moment in life (so far). I was really struggling through many things. I was forced to make decisions which i did not know whether it was right or wrong... i felt as if i was just suddenly being thrown into a mess and all i could do was struggling to get out from that swamp. I fought to swim to the land to save myself from being swallowed by the swamp, but the more i fought, the more tired i got, and in the end i was really at the verge of losing faith, strength, and myself! Words could hardly describe how the situation was at that time. However, in the midst of helplessness, hopelessness, devastation, and despair, all i could do was to cry to God. And that was the exact thing i should be doing.

Really, most of the time, when we don't know what to believe in, believe in GOD. Always believe that God has orchestrated the string of events in life to lead us into His plan, be it ups or downs... But if you truly trust Him, God will show you the plans He has for you. Only if... only if you are willing to go through all the difficulties walking with Him in the path He has prepared for you.

I'm just simply grateful, blessed and thankful for all the things which God has made them happen. :) Thanks for His constant assurance, though big or small, to keep me going on in this path. Apart from that, i feel truly blessed to to be given a very strong fellowship at campus. The wonderful, devoted and inspiring lecturers; caring, thoughtful and amazing brothers and sisters; bubbly, beautiful and supportive bananaboat. Seriously, when you really count the blessings in life, you will soon realize who we are to complain we still haven't received enough from God! ;) Praise the Lord, we have received so much so much from God!!! And MORE TO COME! Oh Lord, teach us how to count the blessings in life instead of counting the troubles in life.

Wow... simply amazing...!! From the deep valley, God led me out of it, and taught me many things! Thank You, Lord! For your faithfulness and unfailing love for me. Right now, i just really want to be a blessing to other people so that i could be God's little servant to reach out, and serve the others.

me-less, others-more, God-more.

Chinese New Year is approaching soon! Have a blessed CNY! :)

Jesus, Take The Wheel

Songwriters: James, Brett; Lindsey, Hillary; Sampson, Gordie;

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat

Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Because I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock

And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life

I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Because I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go

So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8-YO6g05aA

Very meaningful. :)

Let God be God. :) He knows what to do. :') ♥
He always knows.

Be strong.

It's Monday...! (Okay what's about it?) Anyway... i just got back from campus an hour ago after WHOLE DAY staying at campus! Was having headache this morning so i slept a bit longer, so i left home very late this morning, around 650am, and guess what? I got trapped in the traffic jam for 45 mins!!! Wow... And halfway through, somebody just dashed in in front of me. How would that feel? You queued for so long and someone just 'cut in' the line. Gosh. Anyway, the moral of the story is... be early!

The morning lecture was okay... had a lot of time 'loitering' around, but that doesn't matter cuz we enjoyed our sweet time talking. Not bad. Then, i stayed back in the afternoon to meet up the juniors to give them a short briefing on the paperwork for ELF 2 last year. Spent sometime talking, laughing, taking photos with them. Then went to Miley's room (who has been very kind to accept a roomless me there...) was reading my book then she was watching Supernatural. Had a few times feeling like wanna faint and there was always these sudden shiver of coldness... :( Had a very very very bad weekend and totally feel like everything turned the other way round, up is down, and down is up. Too painful to accept. However, just gotta accept it and move on right? :( Not easy, but i'm trying...

I'm just gonna try to smile despite how painful it is... i'm just gonna move on and accept it. Just gonna keep myself busy so that i won't have much time to think about it.. Yes, go, girl...

Appreciate whatever you have before life makes you appreciate what you had.

Of flood, new semester, life...

This morning i woke up when the alarm rang, 5:30am.. it was already raining very heavily for hours i suppose. I was too tired so i snoozed the alarm off and went back to sleep, thinking that even if i go earlier to campus today, it will be super jam anyway. So i woke up again an hour later, the water level outside my house was already rising! The drain water was full and had overflown. The water was slowly reaching the fence. Dangg! Mom called back, told me she was stuck in a terrible traffic jam to work, asked me not to go to campus cuz it would be even worse there, and told me to move the stuff in the study room. Do i did, and looking at the water level, i didn't drive out, i just called my class monitor to tell her i won't be going that early, depends on the situation. Had a few calls with friends, and they told me don't need to go to campus dy as the Batu Lintang area was very badly flooded. Soon after, class monitor informed that all lectures were cancelled! Oh well, an unexpected holiday!

However, that doesn't mean i could sleep back! I went downstairs to move all the boxes in my study room upstairs. Now i have my bookshelf in my bedroom. And all the other boxes. My room has turned into a refuge! After all the books-saving effort, i sat down on the sofa and rested. The water level outside the house had stopped rising, time to take a break. Then went to check Facebook, found out shocking news! A form 6 girl was walking to school on the knee-length flooded road after the parents dropped her and she fell into the drain! :((((( Then a cashier who was at the Shell station went to save her, he managed to grabbed her. However, the water current was too strong that both of them got washed away. SAD! In just a flood, two lives are taken. (and this is only near Batu Lintang/Rock Road here, i don't know about other places.) May God bless their souls, and may God grant peace, comfort, and strength to the families who suffered from the loss.

Just how fragile life is...

Yesterday was the first day of lecture. The subjects offered this semester are... hmmm. I'm worried! I just don't seem to be interested in those. Hopefully i could find them interesting soon. =/ Or else, this would be a very dull semester! Really missed those fun and laughter in the class! The first two hours, our lecturer didn't even appear! Worse, we couldn't even contact him. Aduhh. What a good first impression you've made, sir! Anyway, thanks to him too, that the people in the class got to hung around and talked. It has been awhile! Then we had some very short lectures to introduce the subjects. And i was already feeling sleepy! We had our lectures all pushed up to the morning so the afternoon was free! However, i stayed back for some counseling and mind-relieving session. Although in the end i still didn't get my answers, no wait, actually i got my answers, but i know any decisions i make now would be hurting somehow, in different ways. I'm actually totally stuck, whichever move i make, i just can't run away from it. Hmm well, that's just life isn't it?

No matter what mess life throws you, you just gotta fight through it strong!

Yesterday evening, went jogging with Miley. Hooray! Stamina increased a bit! :) Lately i went jogging cuz it can drain my energy and make me tired, then i would be able to sleep at night! Then we met our institute's hokey team! We stopped and watched. Miley and i talked about how much we like guys who do sports, guys who spend time for sports despite hectic life schedules... Wahseh! Back to secondary school.

Then last night... :) I just wanna say thank you to you. Felt a lot better.. :) Really miss it...

When you are overwhelmed by the realities,
don't forget that miracle is there waiting.
When you think that you've lost all hopes,
just remember to rekindle some faith in you.
Even if, it's a tiny little faith you could muster.
A tiny spark of faith could light up all the possibilities in impossibilities.

A tiny squeak of faith could be a deafening call to the Heaven,
and you know, God is definitely going to send His help
and make miracle!

Surrender everything to GOD.

Humans are born strong.

Hello January 2012!

It's 2012 already! The memory of the last day of school during last semester was still fresh. I planned a lot of things to be done during the year end holiday of 2011, but only 10% were carried out as planned. Anyway, the holiday was a plain torture for me. Until now, i'm still greatly affected by it. I decided to come back here as a blogger again so i have a place to vent, and to type out what i feel. Life has really been hard, and somehow i find it meaningless. And i'm losing myself. :(

It's meaningless cuz people run away from the problems instead of facing them with courage. If everytime when problems arise, and you just flee - seriously, life is meaningless. You gotta try! :( I tried my best to encourage you, to motivate you, to give you hope, to assure you... Cuz i hope you could give it another try. It's really wrong to give up now when you had already put in so much effort to make it happen. :( Don't run away.. it gets hard for me to cope it alone. I'm trying to fix it...

Struggling.

And sometimes i really lost balance 'cuz it's really hard to live strong myself, at the same time, encouraging others to live strong too. Sometimes, i feel like who am i to tell the others to be strong, to hold on tight to faith, to believe in His promises...when i am actually losing my strength, my faith, belief, and all?

It hurts to see someone being torn up emotionally. Sometimes you wanted to be there to help that person go through the hardship, but you yourself could hardly save yourself.

Anyway, i'm trying... :(

I'm trying to strengthen myself for those who need help... to be a help to others despite my own need for help. To be me-less so that it can be others-more. So, i just gotta pick my pieces up, strengthen myself, and continue to bless, inspire others and cheer others on in faith.

"imagine hurting someone, making them feel lonely, angry and unloved because you think it's the best for them."

This, is not the way... it will never be the best for anyone. So, please stop doing it. :(((

I will not give up...
Even if it means ending up with wounds and scars all over.