lingering thoughts...

I really dislike it when i delay sprinkling my thoughts here and finding it difficult to type what i wanted to record down in this blog. Anyway, some of the thoughts which keep lingering on my mind:

I want to stop humiliating myself by all the stupid thoughts and actions. 

I must be more independent. 

I must be an emotionally and spiritually strong lady.

I want to be better.

I am not weak, and you can't hurt me. 

I will fight through it strongly!

Keep shining, but don't get burned out.
Keep believing, but don't dream too much.

Yes, you can accomplish so much more than this.
Yes, you deserve so much more than this.

Keep loving, even though it hurts.
Keep doing, even though it seems the same.
Keep hoping, even though there ain't a clue. 
Keep giving, but know that there's a limit.

One day, God will reveal the reasons
and everything will be crystal clear.

Down, down, down.

These few days, insomnia really tortured me. My dear brain kept thinking of a lot of things, things in the past, things happening, and things yet to happen. Oh why can't it at least rest for awhile? I have been an emotional wreck these few days. Not much of moodswings as I have always been at the really low point. I jog a lot these few days (even after tennis training) so that I would drain myself out and have a goodnight sleep. I always have this personal belief that sweating is therapeutic because as I sweat, my problems leave my body too.

I have been feeling really down, depressed, dejected, tiny, far and out of reach lately. Things just never seem to go right. All the positive energy in me deserted me, my enthusiasm evaporated into thin air. I'm deflated.

So right now it's just a very depressing moment in life as a result of strings of emotional issues, annoyance and over-thinking... Yes! I over-think, most of the time! Do not worry - I may be very down right now, and everything may seem bad and sad, but I will pull through this, I will march on with greater confidence, resilience and courage! I won't dwell in this misery and depression for too long. Life rolls on; there's no use giving too much attention to this down part of life. Things will eventually, and always get better. Once this storm is over, the sun will come out shining with hope again. It's just a phase in life which I have to go through. 

I know I will be able to shine again! It's like an epiphany appearing at the end of torment. Thanks to my over-thinking, I begin to see things clearly, the picture is starting to form. I was so engrossed in chasing other things, but no, why chase for them when I have better things to change here. I will share more in the next entry. I'm physically and mentally drained out, I will retire early for the day. Finally! I will have a sound sleep tonight! :)

The Time of My Life

Another wonderful, insightful, thought-provoking, inspiring and magical book by my favourite author, Cecelia Ahern! I really love her books. Her books never fail to let me enjoy the simple yet wonderful joy of reading. I finished reading this book last Monday, but I wasn't free to write about it. I wanted to share some of my thoughts and feelings after reading it.

Here is the synopsis:

Lucy Silchester has an appointment with her life – and she’s going to have to keep it.

Lying on Lucy Silchester’s carpet one day when she returns from work is a gold envelope. Inside is an invitation – to a meeting with Life. Her life. It turns out she's been ignoring it and it needs to meet with her face to face.

It sounds peculiar, but Lucy’s read about this in a magazine. Anyway, she can’t make the date: she’s much too busy despising her job, skipping out on her friends and avoiding her family.

But Lucy’s life isn’t what it seems. Some of the choices she’s made – and stories she’s told – aren’t what they seem either. From the moment she meets the man who introduces himself as her life, her stubborn half-truths are going to be revealed in all their glory – unless Lucy learns to tell the truth about what really matters to her.

(Taken from Cecelia Ahern's webpage.)

"Are you taking your life for granted?"

Well, honestly I would say that most of the time, I took my life for granted. Comforting and lying to myself that "it's only for this time" never solve the problem. This gets worse especially when I get busy. Too busy for myself! Too busy until I could hardly breath! This gruelling schedule is suffocating! Do they sound familiar? Sometimes we really need to stop being so busy, pause, and pay attention to all the good things/people we missed out along the way. Our life isn't just about ourselves. Our lives include our beloved ones, friends, and family too. Often I took them for granted, especially my family, when I got so tied up with the activities I was involved in, or in other people. Well, this book is certainly a wake-up call for me to stop taking my life for granted. Stop neglecting life.

Find someone who is interested in your life. 

Be with someone who is not only just interested in you, your ability, your physical characteristics, your personalities. If a person really loves you, he or she will be interested in your life. Afterall, our life is what makes us, our life is what we constantly fall back on, our life is what defines us. How can someone not be interested in your life yet claims to be interested in you. So if you love someone, know more about the person, know his or her life, accept his or her life, love his or her life, and be part of his or her life.

Final words from the book:

As long as you're around, your life is too. So just as you shower love and affection and attention on the husbands, wives, parents, children and forever friends who surround you, you have to do so equally with your life, because it's yours, it's you, and it's always there rooting for you, cheering you on, even when you feel like you can't do it.

I gave up on my life for a while, but what I've learned is that even when that happens and especially when that happens, life never gives up on you. Mine didn't. And we'll be there for each other until those final moments when we will look at each other and say, "Thanks for staying until the end."

Very beautiful and heart-warming! I give it 10 out of 10!

Confused.

Signs? Or what? It's so confusing.
You are attracted, yet you are scared.

I hate it to catch myself murmuring to myself "It's stupid" too often recently.

How hard it is to wait patiently for Your time, Father God.
Teach me to wait for You.
Hold and guard my heart.

Hurt me as you like.

Today has been an utterly depressing day. 

Storm, raging deep within me. Frustration. Questions. Unfathomable issues.  Feeling deeply lost. Reluctance to make any change. 

I wanted to confide into someone, but who? Allow me to just pour it out in here. Everything happened today (or long accumulated until today) hurts me a lot. What is wrong? What has gone wrong? Why is the most familiar place the place that gives you the numbest feeling? Why is the most comforting place the place that rubs more salt to your fresh, raw wounds? Why are the people whom you cast your hope and trust to, stab you repeatedly?

If you ask me how i feel now, i would say, I'm tired, tired, and really tired.

I'm tired of this meaningless game. And childish actions. I'm tired of the superficial goodness by the name of it. I haven't eaten a proper meal since this morning. I didn't even feel like doing anything today. All i did the whole day was to escape. Escaping from the harsh and ugly truth? Perhaps.

I will fight.

The more you said i can't do anything, the more i will fight on. 

I will be independent. I will have my own way of handling things.
And i won't let anything stop me.

Yes, you can hurt me, but you can't beat me down and make me stop.

A day well spent!

Yes, it's just another day in the holidays, but it's really a well spent day! I feel like I've accomplished so much today.

I started the day with a morning date with my love. It's been raining in the evenings so I thought mornings would be a better time of the day to maintain the intimacy level between my love and I. ♥ The weather was just perfect this morning, not too hot. Even though I did my warming up this morning before playing, my shoulder still hurt when I play. This is bad, I can't afford to skip my trainings now, the tournament is in two weeks!

After a satisfying morning exercise, I pampered myself with a facial mask. Yeah, I read somewhere that we should first learn to love ourselves before we could love others. We often pay too much attention on others instead of ourselves. After lunch, I dated myself out. Agnes and I went hunting for gifts for Father's Day. I wanted to get my Superhero something; it's been a long time since I last bought or gave my dad something. Also, I wanted to get some good quality cotton socks for Gracie. 

Shopping is never a problem for me. It's something I enjoy doing! The shopping mall was rather empty today and it made me feel like I was really alone in there. It has been quite a while since I last shopped for men's gifts. I bought my dad a collared shirt as he always wears one. However, it's really a shame because I think I've bought the shirt one size bigger. I didn't even know what size of the shirt my dad should be wearing! I hope it's not too big for him. Besides the shirt, I also bought him 3 pairs of new socks for working. I saw many really beautiful dresses. They are to die for! I had my purse kept tightly and safely in my bag and resisted the temptation of buying any new dress. But they are to die for! I need to start saving money and controlling my expenditure wisely. They are really to die for!

Enjoying my marking.

I spent my the rest of my evening marking my students' essays and preparing for the tuition class after talking to mom. She was a little unhappy that I bought milk tea again. Yes, mom, i know. It's just a once-in-a-while's indulgence, I promise. :) 

As a tuition teacher, I really want my students to learn more than what school can offer and most importantly, to improve. I feel the pressure in carrying out this responsibility because I'm paid by the parents to help teach and guide their children. Of course, apart from that, I want them to make the best of this opportunity - to have someone (although not a very qualified person) to help them in learning. I didn't attend any English tuition classes back then so I always think that attending tuition classes is something extra, a support in learning. Therefore, I don't want them to waste it and I really hope at least I could help them ease the struggles in learning English. I really hope I'm doing enough and that I'm doing it the right way. 

Making notes of the mistakes students made in their essays.

So this is what I have tried out. While marking, I would jot down the mistakes they made. Apart from that, I also included some good examples of the sentence structures I found in their essays. Before the tuition class started, I conducted a "Post Mortem" where everyone would look at these problems together. I told them it didn't matter who made the mistakes; the important thing is, we all learn together from each other's mistakes and avoid them in our writing. By doing so, everyone is learning more than their own mistakes. This is indeed a more effective way! I'm planning to adopt this method and I'm really looking forward to see incredibly positive changes slowly taking place! Awesome idea from an experienced friend! 

FINALLY!!!

Yes! FINALLY! This student submitted his weekly journal! I really appreciate his effort even though it is just a paragraph. I see it as a big step forward - a great start! Looks like my constant reminders worked! "Did you write your weekly journal" and "Remember to write your weekly journal"... I have been saying those to him everytime he came for tuition class, and even in church! My persistence paid off! I won't ask for too much for now, one paragraph a week would be a good start for him. I made it a point of writing weekly journal (It can be about anything, and yes i mean anything!) for all of them because I want this to be their habit. When writing becomes a habit, the ideas will flow easily and smoothly. Once writing has become their habit, next I would like to inculcate the love for reading. I realized that they don't read much. Or is it the younger generation nowadays don't read that much anymore? 

After the tuition class, I had my supper! My aunt is staying over here tonight so we had supper! Food, glorious food!!! Yeah, so much of exercising and keeping an ideal weight when I just love eating so much. *guilt seeps in* Well, I would need to do some light exercise after this! Tomorrow, I have to go to the General Hospital for my check up and to collect my blood test result. Need to hit the sack soon!

"Out of sight, out of mind".... Is it true? 

Anyway...

Thank You, Father God, for a wonderful day!

Hoping tomorrow will be another good day!

Holidays!...so far.

Holidays! Who wouldn't love holidays? I do love holidays, especially holidays that come right after the hectic and packed lecture days. That will be the perfect break I need to chill, enjoy, relax and to recharge. I planned for a very adventurous holiday, with lots of challenging outdoor activities, meet ups and sports. However, my first two weeks of holidays were quite the opposite of what I have planned. I didn't have much of adventures (well, except for riding on a big bike!). 

First week, I was the workaholic who worked day and night! I gave tuition every morning and sometimes in the afternoon or at night. I was like the most hardworking (or the craziest) teacher who works during holidays just to make more money. So, my first week was all about working!

Second week, I was off from working as the little girl went to Singapore for family vacation. Yay, I got to rest, at least. However, it was really boring as I had nothing very fun to do, no one to go out with. It's really sad when you were free and everyone else was busy or not available. So, to kill the boredom, I spent most of my time reading during the day and I went for tennis trainings in the evenings. I thought second week was quite okay as it's well balanced with the sport I love. Reading kept me occupied during the day. I have read two novels so far in these two weeks! I really enjoyed the stories. Well, undeniably, reading is therapeutic, and is extremely good for the mind and soul!

Some books are simply magical.

Thankfully, there were also a few events happened in these two weeks which perked up my holidays - at least, it's not that boring! First, I finally gave bowling a try! However, I broke my thumb nail!! Ouch! Still, I managed to get the second highest score (not because of beginner's luck)! Bowling was actually fun. Second, hang outs! It was good to finally hang out with close friends. Third, I met a new friend and we hung out a few times, and he's a very interesting person. My first impression of him: he has a very professional demeanour, he is a very knowledgeable, charismatic and successful man with a well established career. I met him during the ELT Conference in May. At first, I was really tensed when meeting him. After going out with him for a few times, I find him a very warm and fun person to hang out with. He took me on his big bike when we went out. It was my first time on a big bike! COOL! It was rather scary at first but I found it really cool and I enjoyed the attention from other road users when we were vrooming on the road. We went for "The Nyonya" play, breakfast, reading at Bing!, and jogging. Yeah, thanks for saving me from boredom! :)

These few days, I have been indulging in good foods with my close friends as they are back and free to hang out. Good foods and friendship are certainly a perfect combination! It feels really good to finally have some quality time spent together with friends, and catching up on each other's life. 

Chilling at Bing!

I had a great time at Bing! tonight with Ruby. We talked about all the wonderful, fun and crazy things we did while we were in secondary school. Those were the best time in life. Aaaah, reminiscing the good old times! I had forgotten I actually wrote the lyrics of a song for her to compose until she reminded me of that. We should really do more next time. Well, when the muse strikes me, i would definitely write something. Then we also talked about relationships, future career, dreams, faith... I really enjoy hang outs, I see it as a kind of reflection of life and it helps me to pause and look back at how far i have come, and what it is that i want to achieve in the present and future. It gives me a clearer picture of what I already have in my life, and what i want in my life. :)

矛盾的心跳

隧道

 

時間一分一秒 心情像白雲 自在的飄

獨自坐在公園一角 任憑風衝進懷抱

十二點的鐘聲 傳遍了城市每條街道

期待擁抱 又害怕會被你知道

到底是要遠遠看你 還是靠近一點更好

我不確定 你是不是 我一直要找的主角

我用騙人的祈禱 騙自己我現在很好

和你在一起的每分每秒 就像走過 彩虹隧道

時間一分一秒 同一座城市相互尋找

獨自坐在公園一角 看著雨後的青草

十二點的鐘聲 傳遍了城市每條街道

有誰知道 我現在矛盾的心跳

到底是要遠遠看你 還是靠近一點更好

我不確定 你是不是 我一直要找的主角

我用騙人的祈禱 騙自己我已經看到

忐忑不安的背後是微笑 是我們的 彩虹隧道

幻想不停圍繞 它很美也很煎熬

我卻無法選擇 要或不要

到底是要遠遠看你 還是靠近一點更好

我不確定 你是不是 我夢中見過的主角

我用騙人的祈禱 騙自己你沒有看到

陽光底下我的心像羽毛 跟你飛過 彩虹隧道

This song speaks my heart!!!

"The Perfect Present"

I'm not an avid reader, but I will become one when I get hold of amazing and superb books. I like the feeling when I could really enjoy a book, immerse in the story's ups and downs, seeing how the story evolves as the characters in the story. It gives me a little escapism from the real life - a little escape to be someone else, temporarily. At times we just gotta be someone else to form a different perspective of life. 

The book which i have just finished reading is "The Perfect Present" by Karen Swan. The ending was very heart-warming, amazing and inspiring! On the cover it says "Memories are a gift..." and I truly feel and agree with it towards the end - it is just so true! Laura, ran a jewellery business and had always kept her world small. However, her life came to a turning point, or more like a point of new realization when one day Rob walked into her studio and asked her to make a charm necklace for his enigmatic wife, Cat. She had to make seven charms, and each charm would tell and represent someone in Cat's life. She was then invited to join Rob and his friends to activities they do as friends. Laura, while appearing as a guest, had to work on her charms by secretly interviewing the selected seven people for their memories with Cat so that she could design the perfect charm for each person. She had to interview Cat's family, friends, and former lovers. It wasn't easy throughout. New feelings, emotions, and problems with Jack (her boyfriend) back at home set in and drained Laura out, physically and emotionally. It came to some point where she almost lost her own identity and become like Cat. Rob started to feel and act differently towards Laura when he found out who she really was - the one she has been hiding from everyone. And, he hated the fact that Laura wanted to be invisible when she could be such a great person. As the story unfolds, Laura was forced to choose between who she really was and who it was she wanted to be.

Interesting book! I like the part where friendship was discussed in this novel. True friends won't leave each other, and they will always have our back. I also love the part when Laura picked the charms for the seven people interviewed and how each charm represented each of them meaningfully. Lastly, the ending surprised me. Laura was doing all sorts of adventurous things, going on a hot air balloon in Safari, diving into the sea, skiing... and the inspiration was from her mother, who passed away when she was very young. And, oh, i extremely love this line:

"Brush the floor and sweep the sky"

We gotta go to the very tops and bottoms of the world because we'd feel most alive at the extremes of human experience. I couldn't agree more - that's what I plan to do too! I feel like doing adventurous things helps me to gain a different perspective of life. You discover and learn more about life.

The perfect present could have been the perfect charm-necklace for Cat. Also it could have been the present Laura's mother left for her, that is the charm necklace her mom made for her which tells the story of her life and who she really is. And yes, memories are a gift.