A disturbed mind.

Lord, my mind is so disturbed recently.
There are too many thoughts and feelings jumbled up on my mind.
How much i wanted to get rid off those...
I've tried hard but to no avail.

Lord, I've made so many mistakes.
Will You still forgive me and love me, Lord?
Can I still be a brand new person and embrace a brand new chance, Father?
I can't help but to sometimes think that all these i'm experiencing now are because of my own mistakes.

Lord, I feel so ashamed thinking about my past.
All the childish things that I've done,
all the unthoughtful words that I've uttered,
all the disobedient moments I had with You.

I feel so daunted by the future.
I can't figure out where I am standing now and where I will be heading to.
I wish to see clear signs or even a revelation,
I want them so clear that I am very sure that I am on the right path.
But why do I feel so afraid now?

I need an affirmation.
I need encouragement.
I need You to tell me it's all right.
I need a hug, or even a touch will do.
I need to feel Your presence.
I need to embrace in You and feel Your warm peace flowing in my heart.

Lord, what are the messages behind these mess this time?
Please show me. Break me if You need to.
Father, I need You.
I need You to make me whole.

This feeling of being lost in nowhere is terrifying.
Choices, mistakes, people, commitments...
Lord, teach me how to face all these.
Lord, guide me so that I could confront them.

Soul-searching, self-reevaluating...

Yes! This is another night where i just couldn't help but feeding myself with unhealthy and heart-breaking activities and making myself getting very very emotional. Sigh! This was what I would do when I had too much time, huh? Perhaps lil Vanessa should come for tuition tonight, or perhaps, i should have gone out and hang out with my girlfriends. Any perhaps but sitting in front of the laptop, eyes glued on the screen, reading and reading some not-so-important-matters. And in the end, i got so stirred up and i'm suddenly feeling so low. 

When I first started blogging, i used to pour everything (and trust me, i mean everything - even the most random thing!) into the blog. I wrote everything that i felt. But then I stopped as I grew slightly more mature. I started to believe that writing feelings out was something very childish, and only emo people would do it. Also, i believed that it somehow proved a negative character of a person or his capabilities to handle and manage problems. And at times, i thought it seemed pathetic as if i had no one to talk to that i'm talking, wait, it's not even talking, that i'm typing it out to a *pause* non-living thing. But i would say NO to that idea again, for now. Venting it out in blogs is therapeutic! Well, for me, I must admit I'm not a very verbal person, my thoughts are more composed when I write them out. Of course I do talk things out and I enjoy doing that, just that somehow it is only effective when I'm talking to the right person. Anyway, so now, I'm back and I still believe in typing things out, documenting every part of my life. After all, this blog is rather private so I suppose I would feel safe here to let out my inner thoughts, any of my confusion, my fear, my worries, my silly dreams, my embarrassing moments...anything.

Isn't it scary that you let go of your confidence just because of the false negative judgements you have on yourself? Worse is, those judgements are made based on how others perceive you, or even what you think others would think of you. Where is your self-worth? You are worth so much more, my dear. However, gaining back the confidence after losing it can take quite some time, and great effort, and constant boost of positive-ness. I need to gain back my confidence! I need to be the confident Agnes back!

I believe i look good. Thus, I am good, and i can be good!

Another thing which frustrates me is that I really never learn to say "NO". I'm always very interested in everything and want to be part of as many things as i could. Yes, I do benefit from participating actively in meaningful activities, but at the same time, i am also wearing myself down. I always forgot the fact that I am a human - a human with flesh, a human with limitations. I guess I've always had the picture of an Iron Woman or some octopus-like wonder woman, or  someone who can split herself when I try to imagine myself. 

Practice saying 'no'. No, no, no...

So the over-ambitious thought of what I could do and what I want to do always brings along with it unnecessary stress and sacrifice of my precious free time. And all these will later become my complaints. 

What's bugging me now?

I've agreed to help out as an adjudicator for Swinburne debate competition tomorrow. It will be a Saturday, and it's the Saturday, the break, i have been longing for for the whole week. I am not sure if i have made the wise decision of spending my whole Saturday there. Well, i hope I would be able to learn something from it as well. I think I will be bringing my camera and perhaps record some sessions to show to my students. Since I have already agreed, I would better just make the best of it. :) Be positive, yes? 

Next, is of course, my Scheme of Work, lesson plans, journal entry, teaching aids...which have to be completed by the end of this weekend. *scream* And i don't really have time. Seriously, why did I make myself so busy with so many things? (See, there goes the complaints.) SIGH! Well, i guess it's another not-enough-rest weekend for me! Embrace it, Aggy!

Then...is that. But i won't elaborate much here. 

Hrmmm. That's all for this post. Feeling slightly better, even though nothing has been solved yet, but at least i've got the attitude fixed. Blogging does help. 

OKAY~ 

A beautiful tomorrow awaits me!