Life's talk.

I've learnt and realized a lot of things lately. At times, i love it when i think a lot. At times, i just hate it. This time, i got the both feelings.

Struggled. Climbed up. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Fell. Struggled. Struggled. Pulled through. :)

At times, life tells you this: It's only when you have climbed high enough, you get the most beautiful view.

I'm not saying that this picture is the most beautiful. This thought is actually something i feel lately: When you are tired of your life now, you must not give up. You might wonder where is the wonderful part of life that God wants you to see. Just go a little further, walked a few steps more, climbed a bit more until you reach that point where you could see the beautiful view. It's only when you have climbed high enough, you get the most beautiful view. If you haven't, maybe you haven't reached that point yet. :)

* * *

Yellow.
under a yellow light
in a bottle of tiny white stones.

you know you can't live long
yet you stands up straight to tell the world

even if my life ends tomorrow
even my shadows tell me to bend down
i am still going to stand up straight
and embrace each day as it comes.

* * *

i wish...

i could
put on the fairy's wings,
wave my magic wand,
and sprinkle some magic dust on myself when things go bad.

* * *

When life gives you a cup of vanilla milk, add a sweet vanilla smiley to it. -agneslzh-

When you find something happy in your life, don't just be happy. Add a smiley to it and really enjoy it to the fullest. Some of the the happiness don't stay long, you know.

* * *

in times of solitude,
you realize
you actually have everything.

* * *

告诉自己别傻了

Sunday.

Got myself some new collection. :D The other day after my work i went for shopping straight with mom and sis. Worked from 8am to 3pm. Then from 3pm till 630pm. Didn't really buy much. Oh wait, i think we did. But not me. haha. I was wearing a pair of green capri pants. Imagine! How eyes-catching it was!! I was as though a walking leaf. =.= Seriously. Haha.

Anyways, i was totally not in a mood to shop that day. I was tired after my long hours of working. (I shouldn't have tortured myself with work.) Oh well, and i think i need to save money.

$ $ $ for:

1. Black baby
2. Cool in-tech baby
3. Two eyes baby
4. In-a-pair babies
5. and more!

And i also need to save some for my traveling piggy bank. :) I'm planning to go Sabah next year, and hopefully Japan. :D Of course the latter one i need sponsors. :p

A lunch with church friends at Ren Jian.

Malak mee loh! :)

We had a great time there. :) The captain there was really good-looking! All of us agreed that, I meant most of us. haha. I should have sit at Lanny's place. :p HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! After lunch, we talked and gossiped for hours. We talked about politics. For the first time, i was very interested in listening and contributing my thoughts. Haha. I used to hate politics, thought it was super boring. Perhaps, that boring part was about the law. The real one, however, is interesting.

I regret for not going out tonight! :( I can't just torture myself like this in my holidays! My friend called and asked if i want to follow them to watch movie. But i didn't go. Sigh. I can't continue on like this! This is a holiday, if i don't enjoy now, when can i enjoy when school starts? Hell life would be back by then. Plus, lots of adjustments need to be made cuz starting from next semester, i'm staying at home instead of hostel.

Well, this is... a sad part in my holiday. Today is the 14th, i have only three more days to complete my work. Planned to finish 60% of it by tomorrow. :) Hopefully i don't have anymore distraction like tonight. I need to stay focus!

Oh yea, i think i have a serious problem. Do i have poor communication skill? =/ i wonder. This is not the first time. Why it seems that i always can't make people understand my thoughts? Or is it because of the wrong topic everytime? I don't like misunderstandings. :(

Anyways, share with you all:

难过了，就蹲下来，抱抱自己 :)

How true. And i really really love this quote. Quoted from Kai Yen. :D

Why didn't i?

How have you been?

It's 1:30am now. I am supposed to be asleep by now but i'm not.

Let's track back today's events. :) (or yesterday's events.)

i was sleepy - stole a quick eyes-off in the van while pastor was sending others home - went to cell group - read bible - went to tHe Spring straight after work - marking and packing - went off to work - "it's a gloomy morning." - woke up and took a hot morning shower - frustrated and pressured - opened my eyes.

WAIT.

Something is not right somewhere. Right from the very beginning of the day.

i was sleepy - stole a quick eyes-off in the van while pastor was sending others home - went to cell group - read bible - went to tHe Spring straight after work - marking and packing - went off to work - "it's a gloomy morning." - woke up and took a hot morning shower - frustrated and pressured - opened my eyes.

I guess everything started not so good right from the beginning of the day. =| Well, having to force myself to wake up early in a holiday is a great torture! :( I feel so bad for myself, for not being able to enjoy the holidays. It's just going to be FOUR weeks. No no, it has just reminded me: only TWO weeks left. OWHH! :'(

It's really late now and i don't feel like typing lots of words, so just a very brief update.

I've finally tidied my study table!

After a week of procrastination, i finally picked up my lazy self to tidy it. It took me days to remove those Form 6 and Form 5 books from my shelves and table. And it took me two days to sort out the whole stack of paper. I made some shelves out of boxes!

I've finished watching this! Tamna Island.

I LOVE IT! It's such a cute love story. It's based on traditional setting, in Ji Zhou Island. I like Park-Kyu in this story. (The one holding the hat.) Why? I like his personality, his views on life, of choices he should make in life, he's thoughtful but he's keeping all the things inside, he cries. He is always serious, mysterious, and courteous. He has a very radiant smile when he smiles, but he doesn't smile a lot because of his attitudes towards his work. He stands up for the girl he likes and protects her from any insults or bullies from other people. He takes care of the girl when she's ill. He doesn't care if the girl knows he was there to watch over her for the whole night to make sure her fever subside. Ah... :)

saw this in newspaper today.

Hmmmmm. I am happy! It's even better if i could escape the bond for government. If it is so, if i'm not selected, then, i would have the chance to complete my dreams! :) What a good news! Perhaps, i could spend a few months in oversea, go to the university there as a student under student exchange programme. Meet people from other places, people who live far far at the other side of the sea. Experience, explore... Well, that is when i will have a really LONG holidays! Long enough for me to do the things i really wanna do in this stage of my life. Or perhaps, i could travel to places and become a journalist. :D Travel on cruise? Try EVERY job i wanted to try. Bridal studio. More and moreee! :)

*pop bubbles pop bubbles*

I still have, four and a half year to go. Soon, it will be the anniversary of "The Twist of My Story". Hmm. It has almost been one year. Sometimes i feel things have changed, but sometimes i just don't think they have changed much. =/ But what i would tell myself is: it's really something no one can answer. So just save those "Why why why's", the plan is too big for me to understand. :)

While most of the students would do in holiday is to enjoy to the max, i feel like i'm totally the opposite. My boss, the instructor of the tuition center called me and i went back to work. Frankly speaking, i'm sick of it. It's not because of the insrtuctor treated me badly or something. It's the job itself. It's a repetitive job! It's too easy and too boh-riiiinngggg. (=boring) Oh wait, i take back the work "easy", it isn't! You know what, i guided Add Math students in the last lesson. I felt safe walking around speaking as if i-know-it-all-very-well with the answer books in my hand. ;) Whenever i didn't know how to answer, i would quickly open the book, study the answers together with the steps. Then i would walk back to the student, and explained it easily. This is the teacher's secret. HAHAHAHAHA. It's not my fault, i really forgot those creepy formulas when i'm no longer using them. And the chapter that they were doing was Quadratic functions, which is the chapter i hate a lot. Drawing graphs, blah blah... If it's Trigonometry or Triangles and Solutions or some other topic is still not bad. But graphs, finding roots, finding the equations...Save me! Plus, the standard of the Add Math questions is a lot harder because it's based on O-level and A-level standard. You get pretty difficult "form 5" and "form 6" Add Math questions in the worksheet. There were times i didn't understand the working steps provided in the answer books. I asked my instructor about the steps, only then i knew, it's form 6 Math! I didn't even learn those...

Okay okay, now here is a really BAD news!

I still have work at 9am tomorrow! I have to reach the center before 845am. :( Yeah yeah yeah... i have to WAKE UP EARLY. And why am i still up now? It's almost 230am. Five hours to sleep. Hmm. :( Anyways, it's the LAST day of work!!! :D

Yeeeeeepieeee!

How have you been?
Me?
I think i'm getting used to it now. :)

Awakening.

Thank You, Lord! I'm Your humble servant knelt upon You here, i want to give thanks for all the things You have given to me. You listen, You care, You cure, and You are always here, for me.

I've walked with You for many years. From an innocent child to a teenager. (i am still, right?)

I'm saved by Your grace, again and again.
I've seen You work in my life.
I've witnessed many miracles happened in You.

Forgive me, Lord.
At times, i lost faith.
At times, i felt weak.
But i did not seek You first.
I followed my instinct and i was getting further and further from You.

I let go of Your hand.

Forgive me, Lord.
I doubted where you are in times of difficulties.
I looked front and back to search for You,
and i thought You were not there when i needed You.
However, i didn't realize -
You were just right beside me.

Yet, i let trouble blind fold me from seeing You.
I let anxieties engulf my heart from feeling Your presence.

Forgive me, Lord.
I was angry at Your plan when undesirable things happened.
I sank into pool of sadness and felt pity for my life.
I wondered if You have been listening to my prayers,
I wondered if You were understanding enough.
Not knowing,
You always have a better plan,
and only You know what the wonderful plan is.

Yet, i just got mad like a child whose favourite candy is snatched by her friend.


At this awakening moment, i confess my sins.
I want to embrace in Your love.
I need You to continue be the lamp to my feet and show the way.
I need You to light up my path slowly as i walk closely with You everyday.

You are the strength when i am weak,
You are the treasure that i seek,
You are my all in all.

When i fall down you pick me up,
when i am dry you fill my cup,
You are my all in all.

- All in All -

I don't understand why things happened at times, but i choose to believe and have faith in You. I don't need to know what is ahead of me right now, all i need is to know my next step. And that very next step, i'm going to walk with You. This time, i will hold Your hand tight.

Thank You, thank You, Lord.

Back from Sibu.

3rd June 2010 . Thursday

Hi people! I'm finally back! :) I can't believe, it's just a five days trip yet i was missing home so much dy. :D Actually i'm quite lazy to type something here. However, since i am uploading my photos on Sibu trip to facebook and it takes time, i might as well update something here while waiting. :) But the Internet connection is quite bad tonight. =/

All in all, Sibu trip was great. :) But we didn't manage to go to many places in this trip. The only bad things were:

1. The room we stayed was a wooden one, so it's really hot especially in the afternoon, you will be baked inside there. Well, i almost got myself baked a few times. lol.

2. Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria. Hyper hives. lol. I name the latter one, in layman's term for you all. :) Bro suddenly got that on the 2nd day. It was really scary, cuz there were large regions of red blotches, swollen patches all over his body! It was so scary!!! If his condition worsened, he would have difficulty in breathing. He couldn't sleep that night due to extreme itchiness and irritation. We were looking for antihistamine for him, but we couldn't find any. So in the end, i suggested that we use cough tablet, which was drowsy too, to act as antihistamine. First, was to make him sleep so that he wouldn't need to suffer more from an aggravation of itchiness. Second, of course, to act as antihistamine, to ease the itchiness. What i did was right! Yay! I am a doctor. Oops, i mean, was. :( Hmmm. I just simply love those sophisticated medical terms.

3. I DROVE!!! On the highway!!! First time driving daddy's car! First time used gear 5! hahah. It was so scary, man! I only drove part of the journey, hehe.

To Sibu!

Daddy said those who love sunset are usually pessimists. I find it somehow quite true eh. :)

Now, i shall make you all drool with theseeee.... :D

Kompia with minced pork.

bun broccoli pork

GIANT prawn.

Fried rice with pineapple and chicken floss.

Dessert.

Mee sua with chicken soup.

Cha mee cha lan...

Kampua

Ding Bian Hu.

I dunno the name for this, but hey, it tastes very very delicious! :) It's butter topping on a soft bun. :)

and...those that are yet to become food.

纸包鸡 xD truly 纸包鸡!

Played with baby cousin!!!

adorable!!!

That's all. Not gonna post much. Oh yea, i've realized lots of things in these five days. Hmm. Took sometime when i was free to reflect back on life. Well, starting from tomorrow i'm gonna work. I need to tidy my study table! Update my LDV file, make a book on plots for Much Ado About Nothing. Oh goodness. This isn't really a holiday what! :(

Backache. Gotta go sleep dy. :)

I said a "goodbye" to you!

vulnerable.

no.
i'm not tough.
no.
i'm not over it yet.
no.
i can't let go.
no.
i'm not the one i once knew.
no.
everything is just going so wrong.


suddenly i just feel so sad. i don't know what have i done wrong. or why should i be awarded all these painful punishments while i worked as hard as anyone else too? and why every good thing could just turn away so cruelly when i needed something to hold on? and why can't you see i'm really trying hard?

can you see and feel the sleepless nights i have? crying myself to sleep and force myself to forget all those wonderful things i imagined? and now those wonderful dreams turned into nightmares which haunt me not only in my sleep, but also in my life.

locked myself up in the room, stopping myself from talking to people, i'm slowly turning myself into a true loner, an anti-social.

if we all knew that things will turn out like this, then i wouldn't have tried that much - i wouldn't have dreamt that much - i wouldn't have hoped that much. if only we knew that the outcome is this, i wouldn't have given it a thought, and made it once so close to me and suddenly gone. i wouldn't have gotten myself so close, and believed that it could be my destiny.

the emptiness left just hurts so much.

if only i knew "get over it" is nothing but words to fool people, i wouldn't have stepped in in the first place and believed that it will work. if only i knew "it's okay" is something people could simply utter to anyone whom they think who needs it, then i wouldn't have been fooled.

if only i knew that one thing could change my whole life, i wouldn't have cared about other people, except ME. if only i knew how impossible it is that others will say in their words of consolation, i wouldn't let them have the chance to say those words. They just won't work!

if only i knew that it was merely a fool play from the beginning, i wouldn't have spent so much time on it. if only i knew the true meaning of impossible, i wouldn't have my feeling surrendered to you. if only i knew that i'm not meant for this, then i wouldn't have started anything from the beginning.

now i've lost more than just my dream.
hope, faith, people, believe, trust, strength, possibilities...
and the light.


please.
words could make me believe no more.
turn your face away.
keep your care inside.
step away.
and don't haunt me anymore.

show me that weak ray of Your light...

Guardian angel.

Some people walked into your life,
drew rainbows and made everything perfect,
accompanied you through the scariest storm,
shielded you from the rain,
warmed you when it's cold,
listened to you when you're lonely,
talked to you to make you feel good,
cared for you to make you feel loved,
did everything to just to make you laugh,
stayed with you when you were about to cry,
lighted up the path, reminded you to cling on to God,
guided when you were lost,
just like a guardian angel,
made you see a different you,
a special you,
a strong you,
a beautiful you,
a cheerful you,
a wonderful you.

But all of a sudden the guardian angel just left.
Leaving all the wonderful things behind for you -
beautiful yet empty.

You still see his shadow once in a while,
in places where he left traces,
in places where he sprinkled magic dust.

They walked out,
leaving the beautiful sad memories behind.