Some people are just helpless.
Even though you threw a life belt, they rejected it, refused to swim, and then drown. SIGH.
We are not good, that's why we want to learn, we have to learn. I really tried. I tried not to use the hard way, i tried to motivate you guys, to encourage you guys instead of scolding you. I tried not to give you pressure and let you enjoy yourselves while practising. I dreamt of a wonderful, impressive play with good compliments from all the audience. However, you all don't dream the same dream as me. What more can i do? NO, there's nothing i can do. I just realized that i could do nothing. It makes me tired seeing your attitudes. Seriously. Or in a harsh way, it makes me sick actually.
Look, i can take it no more! I don't understand how you guys survive in this kinda attitude. How did you face your exam last time, you studies. sigh. I have a lot of work load too. Just imagine!!! I wrote the crappy long script, i planned the props too, i set who does the lighting, i set the songs, edited the songs, i gave some of the props to help you guys cut some costs, i did the plots with the girls - just to let you all have more time to memorize your lines.
Now i have so many things to do, but my mind was all about drama. I used the soft way, but it didn't work. So i guess, we'll just let shame teach us a painful lesson since you all refused to change. FOUR more days left. I don't what miracles can you all make. I don't want to hope for any too. I learnt not to dream.
I don't know how many panic buttons have i hit forcefully. I'm going kooky soon. Someone, just register me in seventh mile.
I couldn't concentrate on doing things recently. Today, had class in the morning, then assembly in the tennis court under scorching hot and burning sunlight. Then from 1pm till 5pm practised in TAZA. After the practice, i rushed to church for worship practice.
Hmm, now, suddenly feel that i'm getting more and more tired in serving Him. Perhaps, i need a break. Once, there was this pastor who told me that there's somehow a stage in life when you just need to take a break. To approach him in a different way rather than serving in church. I guess, it's true. I still have to teach the teenagers tomorrow, but i haven't a clue what to share with them. I'm already very down. I'm already not setting a good example for them to learn. I portray a weak Christian. I reflect someone who has a small faith. I fail to show them what perseverance, trust, faith, believe, and hope are.
When playing piano, i couldn't get myself into it. Am i lost somewhere, i wondered, and wondered. Have i gone too far that now i can't find my way back? I wondered and wondered. Soon after the practice was over, i drove home. It was late evening. I was thinking of something in my mind, which i didn't know what also. And just now, i almost knocked into a car opposing me. Phew? Nah, i kinda think that what would happen if i knocked into it. I didn't notice it coming. Will it be hard enough to send me to hospital or just enough to spoil my mom's car?
Why do i sound a lil suicidal? =/
Anyways, i went to hospital yesterday morning. Well, too stressed so i swallowed a whole bottle of Panadols. Oh yeah right. NOlah, just went to see doctor lor of course. If not? Go hospital work? HA HA. Okay so i went. I went. After escaping for so long. Yeah, it's been exactly one year, one year plus. SIGH. My skin got infected by some kinda virus. So the doctor sprayed liquid nitrogen (i think, nope, didn't take a look at it, totally didn't feel like to. For what?) into my skin. Just imagine!!! How cold that was! Directly into my skin. It hurttt! Billions of cold stings stabs into my skin. :'( After the spray, my poor thumb got swollen. :( i couldn't write! I couldn't do many things. I can't even button my clothes cuz it's at my thumb. :(
Oh that's the first part. The saddening part comes here. After spraying, (i was almost half dead) i showed the doc, a Medical Officer by the way, my other part of skin allergy. Then he said it's eczema. I told him, "No, it's papular urticaria" He was shocked, you should have seen his face. He asked in surprised, "Are you a medical student?" I didn't reply, i just smiled at him and then looked at daddy. He brought me to hospital that morning. Hmm. That question. stirred up some almost forgotten memories.
Isn't it tired being forced or made into doing something else? Something which is initially not even in your list of plans? Isn't it tired to tell your mind and heart that you ought to do it? Oh. Perhaps, that's how my actors and actresses feel now. They didn't want to, but no choice, so have to act. Ah yeah.. it feels bad. So i guess i'm not in a right position to complain much about you guys huh. I'm no better either.
Okay then. I won't force.
Even though you threw a life belt, they rejected it, refused to swim, and then drown. SIGH.
We are not good, that's why we want to learn, we have to learn. I really tried. I tried not to use the hard way, i tried to motivate you guys, to encourage you guys instead of scolding you. I tried not to give you pressure and let you enjoy yourselves while practising. I dreamt of a wonderful, impressive play with good compliments from all the audience. However, you all don't dream the same dream as me. What more can i do? NO, there's nothing i can do. I just realized that i could do nothing. It makes me tired seeing your attitudes. Seriously. Or in a harsh way, it makes me sick actually.
Look, i can take it no more! I don't understand how you guys survive in this kinda attitude. How did you face your exam last time, you studies. sigh. I have a lot of work load too. Just imagine!!! I wrote the crappy long script, i planned the props too, i set who does the lighting, i set the songs, edited the songs, i gave some of the props to help you guys cut some costs, i did the plots with the girls - just to let you all have more time to memorize your lines.
Now i have so many things to do, but my mind was all about drama. I used the soft way, but it didn't work. So i guess, we'll just let shame teach us a painful lesson since you all refused to change. FOUR more days left. I don't what miracles can you all make. I don't want to hope for any too. I learnt not to dream.
I don't know how many panic buttons have i hit forcefully. I'm going kooky soon. Someone, just register me in seventh mile.
I couldn't concentrate on doing things recently. Today, had class in the morning, then assembly in the tennis court under scorching hot and burning sunlight. Then from 1pm till 5pm practised in TAZA. After the practice, i rushed to church for worship practice.
Hmm, now, suddenly feel that i'm getting more and more tired in serving Him. Perhaps, i need a break. Once, there was this pastor who told me that there's somehow a stage in life when you just need to take a break. To approach him in a different way rather than serving in church. I guess, it's true. I still have to teach the teenagers tomorrow, but i haven't a clue what to share with them. I'm already very down. I'm already not setting a good example for them to learn. I portray a weak Christian. I reflect someone who has a small faith. I fail to show them what perseverance, trust, faith, believe, and hope are.
When playing piano, i couldn't get myself into it. Am i lost somewhere, i wondered, and wondered. Have i gone too far that now i can't find my way back? I wondered and wondered. Soon after the practice was over, i drove home. It was late evening. I was thinking of something in my mind, which i didn't know what also. And just now, i almost knocked into a car opposing me. Phew? Nah, i kinda think that what would happen if i knocked into it. I didn't notice it coming. Will it be hard enough to send me to hospital or just enough to spoil my mom's car?
Why do i sound a lil suicidal? =/
Anyways, i went to hospital yesterday morning. Well, too stressed so i swallowed a whole bottle of Panadols. Oh yeah right. NOlah, just went to see doctor lor of course. If not? Go hospital work? HA HA. Okay so i went. I went. After escaping for so long. Yeah, it's been exactly one year, one year plus. SIGH. My skin got infected by some kinda virus. So the doctor sprayed liquid nitrogen (i think, nope, didn't take a look at it, totally didn't feel like to. For what?) into my skin. Just imagine!!! How cold that was! Directly into my skin. It hurttt! Billions of cold stings stabs into my skin. :'( After the spray, my poor thumb got swollen. :( i couldn't write! I couldn't do many things. I can't even button my clothes cuz it's at my thumb. :(
Oh that's the first part. The saddening part comes here. After spraying, (i was almost half dead) i showed the doc, a Medical Officer by the way, my other part of skin allergy. Then he said it's eczema. I told him, "No, it's papular urticaria" He was shocked, you should have seen his face. He asked in surprised, "Are you a medical student?" I didn't reply, i just smiled at him and then looked at daddy. He brought me to hospital that morning. Hmm. That question. stirred up some almost forgotten memories.
Isn't it tired being forced or made into doing something else? Something which is initially not even in your list of plans? Isn't it tired to tell your mind and heart that you ought to do it? Oh. Perhaps, that's how my actors and actresses feel now. They didn't want to, but no choice, so have to act. Ah yeah.. it feels bad. So i guess i'm not in a right position to complain much about you guys huh. I'm no better either.
Okay then. I won't force.
