Awakening.

Thank You, Lord! I'm Your humble servant knelt upon You here, i want to give thanks for all the things You have given to me. You listen, You care, You cure, and You are always here, for me.

I've walked with You for many years. From an innocent child to a teenager. (i am still, right?)

I'm saved by Your grace, again and again.
I've seen You work in my life.
I've witnessed many miracles happened in You.

Forgive me, Lord.
At times, i lost faith.
At times, i felt weak.
But i did not seek You first.
I followed my instinct and i was getting further and further from You.

I let go of Your hand.

Forgive me, Lord.
I doubted where you are in times of difficulties.
I looked front and back to search for You,
and i thought You were not there when i needed You.
However, i didn't realize -
You were just right beside me.

Yet, i let trouble blind fold me from seeing You.
I let anxieties engulf my heart from feeling Your presence.

Forgive me, Lord.
I was angry at Your plan when undesirable things happened.
I sank into pool of sadness and felt pity for my life.
I wondered if You have been listening to my prayers,
I wondered if You were understanding enough.
Not knowing,
You always have a better plan,
and only You know what the wonderful plan is.

Yet, i just got mad like a child whose favourite candy is snatched by her friend.


At this awakening moment, i confess my sins.
I want to embrace in Your love.
I need You to continue be the lamp to my feet and show the way.
I need You to light up my path slowly as i walk closely with You everyday.

You are the strength when i am weak,
You are the treasure that i seek,
You are my all in all.

When i fall down you pick me up,
when i am dry you fill my cup,
You are my all in all.

- All in All -

I don't understand why things happened at times, but i choose to believe and have faith in You. I don't need to know what is ahead of me right now, all i need is to know my next step. And that very next step, i'm going to walk with You. This time, i will hold Your hand tight.

Thank You, thank You, Lord.

Back from Sibu.

3rd June 2010 . Thursday

Hi people! I'm finally back! :) I can't believe, it's just a five days trip yet i was missing home so much dy. :D Actually i'm quite lazy to type something here. However, since i am uploading my photos on Sibu trip to facebook and it takes time, i might as well update something here while waiting. :) But the Internet connection is quite bad tonight. =/

All in all, Sibu trip was great. :) But we didn't manage to go to many places in this trip. The only bad things were:

1. The room we stayed was a wooden one, so it's really hot especially in the afternoon, you will be baked inside there. Well, i almost got myself baked a few times. lol.

2. Chronic Idiopathic Urticaria. Hyper hives. lol. I name the latter one, in layman's term for you all. :) Bro suddenly got that on the 2nd day. It was really scary, cuz there were large regions of red blotches, swollen patches all over his body! It was so scary!!! If his condition worsened, he would have difficulty in breathing. He couldn't sleep that night due to extreme itchiness and irritation. We were looking for antihistamine for him, but we couldn't find any. So in the end, i suggested that we use cough tablet, which was drowsy too, to act as antihistamine. First, was to make him sleep so that he wouldn't need to suffer more from an aggravation of itchiness. Second, of course, to act as antihistamine, to ease the itchiness. What i did was right! Yay! I am a doctor. Oops, i mean, was. :( Hmmm. I just simply love those sophisticated medical terms.

3. I DROVE!!! On the highway!!! First time driving daddy's car! First time used gear 5! hahah. It was so scary, man! I only drove part of the journey, hehe.

To Sibu!

Daddy said those who love sunset are usually pessimists. I find it somehow quite true eh. :)

Now, i shall make you all drool with theseeee.... :D

Kompia with minced pork.

bun broccoli pork

GIANT prawn.

Fried rice with pineapple and chicken floss.

Dessert.

Mee sua with chicken soup.

Cha mee cha lan...

Kampua

Ding Bian Hu.

I dunno the name for this, but hey, it tastes very very delicious! :) It's butter topping on a soft bun. :)

and...those that are yet to become food.

纸包鸡 xD truly 纸包鸡!

Played with baby cousin!!!

adorable!!!

That's all. Not gonna post much. Oh yea, i've realized lots of things in these five days. Hmm. Took sometime when i was free to reflect back on life. Well, starting from tomorrow i'm gonna work. I need to tidy my study table! Update my LDV file, make a book on plots for Much Ado About Nothing. Oh goodness. This isn't really a holiday what! :(

Backache. Gotta go sleep dy. :)

I said a "goodbye" to you!

vulnerable.

no.
i'm not tough.
no.
i'm not over it yet.
no.
i can't let go.
no.
i'm not the one i once knew.
no.
everything is just going so wrong.


suddenly i just feel so sad. i don't know what have i done wrong. or why should i be awarded all these painful punishments while i worked as hard as anyone else too? and why every good thing could just turn away so cruelly when i needed something to hold on? and why can't you see i'm really trying hard?

can you see and feel the sleepless nights i have? crying myself to sleep and force myself to forget all those wonderful things i imagined? and now those wonderful dreams turned into nightmares which haunt me not only in my sleep, but also in my life.

locked myself up in the room, stopping myself from talking to people, i'm slowly turning myself into a true loner, an anti-social.

if we all knew that things will turn out like this, then i wouldn't have tried that much - i wouldn't have dreamt that much - i wouldn't have hoped that much. if only we knew that the outcome is this, i wouldn't have given it a thought, and made it once so close to me and suddenly gone. i wouldn't have gotten myself so close, and believed that it could be my destiny.

the emptiness left just hurts so much.

if only i knew "get over it" is nothing but words to fool people, i wouldn't have stepped in in the first place and believed that it will work. if only i knew "it's okay" is something people could simply utter to anyone whom they think who needs it, then i wouldn't have been fooled.

if only i knew that one thing could change my whole life, i wouldn't have cared about other people, except ME. if only i knew how impossible it is that others will say in their words of consolation, i wouldn't let them have the chance to say those words. They just won't work!

if only i knew that it was merely a fool play from the beginning, i wouldn't have spent so much time on it. if only i knew the true meaning of impossible, i wouldn't have my feeling surrendered to you. if only i knew that i'm not meant for this, then i wouldn't have started anything from the beginning.

now i've lost more than just my dream.
hope, faith, people, believe, trust, strength, possibilities...
and the light.


please.
words could make me believe no more.
turn your face away.
keep your care inside.
step away.
and don't haunt me anymore.

show me that weak ray of Your light...

Guardian angel.

Some people walked into your life,
drew rainbows and made everything perfect,
accompanied you through the scariest storm,
shielded you from the rain,
warmed you when it's cold,
listened to you when you're lonely,
talked to you to make you feel good,
cared for you to make you feel loved,
did everything to just to make you laugh,
stayed with you when you were about to cry,
lighted up the path, reminded you to cling on to God,
guided when you were lost,
just like a guardian angel,
made you see a different you,
a special you,
a strong you,
a beautiful you,
a cheerful you,
a wonderful you.

But all of a sudden the guardian angel just left.
Leaving all the wonderful things behind for you -
beautiful yet empty.

You still see his shadow once in a while,
in places where he left traces,
in places where he sprinkled magic dust.

They walked out,
leaving the beautiful sad memories behind.

helpless.

Some people are just helpless.

Even though you threw a life belt, they rejected it, refused to swim, and then drown. SIGH.

We are not good, that's why we want to learn, we have to learn. I really tried. I tried not to use the hard way, i tried to motivate you guys, to encourage you guys instead of scolding you. I tried not to give you pressure and let you enjoy yourselves while practising. I dreamt of a wonderful, impressive play with good compliments from all the audience. However, you all don't dream the same dream as me. What more can i do? NO, there's nothing i can do. I just realized that i could do nothing. It makes me tired seeing your attitudes. Seriously. Or in a harsh way, it makes me sick actually.

Look, i can take it no more! I don't understand how you guys survive in this kinda attitude. How did you face your exam last time, you studies. sigh. I have a lot of work load too. Just imagine!!! I wrote the crappy long script, i planned the props too, i set who does the lighting, i set the songs, edited the songs, i gave some of the props to help you guys cut some costs, i did the plots with the girls - just to let you all have more time to memorize your lines.

Now i have so many things to do, but my mind was all about drama. I used the soft way, but it didn't work. So i guess, we'll just let shame teach us a painful lesson since you all refused to change. FOUR more days left. I don't what miracles can you all make. I don't want to hope for any too. I learnt not to dream.

I don't know how many panic buttons have i hit forcefully. I'm going kooky soon. Someone, just register me in seventh mile.

I couldn't concentrate on doing things recently. Today, had class in the morning, then assembly in the tennis court under scorching hot and burning sunlight. Then from 1pm till 5pm practised in TAZA. After the practice, i rushed to church for worship practice.

Hmm, now, suddenly feel that i'm getting more and more tired in serving Him. Perhaps, i need a break. Once, there was this pastor who told me that there's somehow a stage in life when you just need to take a break. To approach him in a different way rather than serving in church. I guess, it's true. I still have to teach the teenagers tomorrow, but i haven't a clue what to share with them. I'm already very down. I'm already not setting a good example for them to learn. I portray a weak Christian. I reflect someone who has a small faith. I fail to show them what perseverance, trust, faith, believe, and hope are.

When playing piano, i couldn't get myself into it. Am i lost somewhere, i wondered, and wondered. Have i gone too far that now i can't find my way back? I wondered and wondered. Soon after the practice was over, i drove home. It was late evening. I was thinking of something in my mind, which i didn't know what also. And just now, i almost knocked into a car opposing me. Phew? Nah, i kinda think that what would happen if i knocked into it. I didn't notice it coming. Will it be hard enough to send me to hospital or just enough to spoil my mom's car?

Why do i sound a lil suicidal? =/

Anyways, i went to hospital yesterday morning. Well, too stressed so i swallowed a whole bottle of Panadols. Oh yeah right. NOlah, just went to see doctor lor of course. If not? Go hospital work? HA HA. Okay so i went. I went. After escaping for so long. Yeah, it's been exactly one year, one year plus. SIGH. My skin got infected by some kinda virus. So the doctor sprayed liquid nitrogen (i think, nope, didn't take a look at it, totally didn't feel like to. For what?) into my skin. Just imagine!!! How cold that was! Directly into my skin. It hurttt! Billions of cold stings stabs into my skin. :'( After the spray, my poor thumb got swollen. :( i couldn't write! I couldn't do many things. I can't even button my clothes cuz it's at my thumb. :(

Oh that's the first part. The saddening part comes here. After spraying, (i was almost half dead) i showed the doc, a Medical Officer by the way, my other part of skin allergy. Then he said it's eczema. I told him, "No, it's papular urticaria" He was shocked, you should have seen his face. He asked in surprised, "Are you a medical student?" I didn't reply, i just smiled at him and then looked at daddy. He brought me to hospital that morning. Hmm. That question. stirred up some almost forgotten memories.

Isn't it tired being forced or made into doing something else? Something which is initially not even in your list of plans? Isn't it tired to tell your mind and heart that you ought to do it? Oh. Perhaps, that's how my actors and actresses feel now. They didn't want to, but no choice, so have to act. Ah yeah.. it feels bad. So i guess i'm not in a right position to complain much about you guys huh. I'm no better either.

Okay then. I won't force.

男生们，请别轻易爱上这种女孩

因为：

她独立，好强，宁愿忍受太多的寂寞和痛苦也不愿向别人提起。

其实骨子里，渴望有一个避风港湾，让她去依靠。但她不会承 认。

她必须确定那个人是否可以承受得了这一切，承受她的撒娇、 她的无理取闹，她的倔强，她的悲观，她所有的性格缺陷，且对 她永远不离不弃。

只有这样，她才放心，可以放心去继续做自己，不会害怕有一天 将要面对失去。

如果没有，那么她只好继续寂寞和孤独。

她会和每个异性朋友大声说笑，无所顾忌。但是，当他们向她表 达爱意时，她却开始像刺猬一样，保护自己。

她对爱情没有安全感，也不会给别人安全感。

其实她要的并不多，只是一个对的人，一个温暖的家。这对她 来说太重要了，虽然在她口中说出来的却是:我不需要爱情。

当你紧张她的异性朋友，她会一面跟你说，他只是我的谁谁谁， 却一面偷偷在意你的感受……

她会希望现在的他是怎样怎样的，有各种各样的挑剔苛求的条 件。她只不过是想要一个用努力来证明爱她的人，她不求结果， 只希望你有那份心。

对她们而言,唯一具备杀伤力的只有感情，感情如果受到挫折， 要么毁了她们，要么成就了她们。从此更加漠然，专注于事业。

她分手后绝不会在人面前要死要活，她嬉笑怒闹，变得更加开 朗。在听到朋友说有关他的话题时，从不刻意回避，她适当 参与，淡然微笑，她的表现总会遭人怀疑这段感情的深浅， 而人群中只有那些知道背后情节的人才看见她背后的眼泪和努 力。

她会在不开心的时候，放声大哭。这对她来说，是一种释放。

即使在你爱着她的时候，她也会胡思乱想让自己悲伤。

如果你看到她的眼泪，请相信这绝不是她在博取同情，这是她这 样一颗内心骄傲的女子不得已的场景。

她想对你负责，对她负责，对自己的过去和未来负责，但请你不 要轻易给她承诺和誓言。她很难相信。

即使她很难相信，但她还是会选择等待。

她的伤初始浓烈似酒，很快就会变为一杯水，却让水渗入生活， 成为点点滴滴，她选择在其中淡定，在其中沉默和内伤。

她就是这样，强势，霸道，任性，不会讨人欢心，死要面子，她 爱朋友多过你……

她最有保护欲，最强势，最敏感，最暴躁，最善变，最没耐心， 最冲动，最耐不住寂寞却又喜欢假惺惺地让自己一个人呆着。

有时候她又充满阳光的气息，爱笑爱说话，活蹦乱跳，乐观开 朗……

她很自私，只愿意与人同甘，不愿意让别人跟她共苦，她不想成 为别人的负担……

她喜欢热闹，总会成为聚会的焦点，前提是她想。

她也享受孤独，会静坐在一个人的房间听着很伤感的音乐。

她也会一整天呆在房间里心情压抑低落，但第二天一早起来， 又会轻轻松松地打理一切，慌慌忙忙地往外冲。

她习惯在人前表现得很坚强，一副大女子主义的模样。

她会想，遇到真正懂她爱她宠她的人,她就一定就会很安静， 心甘情愿地安静下来，不烦，不闹，按时吃饭，按时睡觉，按时 做一切能安心和他一起做的事情。

她从不轻言爱，她的爱很沉默，那并非是因为她缺少那份勇气， 在她的心里有一道栅栏，那就是自尊。

她看得比生命更尊贵的自尊。

如果有一个这样的女孩对你说她爱你，那就代表在她的心里你的 份量胜过了她的自尊。

你不了解她，不懂她的好，就别爱她。

她会在真正爱她的人面前卸掉所有的盔甲和伪装，做个幸福的小 女人。

她不忙的时候会希望每天缠着你，偶尔无理取闹地要你陪着她， 希望你的所有行动都让她知道，因为在她心里，你就是她的……

她也会幻想，在遇到真正的他时,会在他累的时候悄悄熬上点营 养粥，然后送到他跟前，静静地看着他喝完。

她在你面前永远调皮捣蛋，偶尔撒撒娇，跟你玩小孩子的游戏， 在你朋友面前从来大方得体，微笑地依偎在你身边。

她不让你给她买这买那，她会说，我啊，是大女人，不喜欢小 男人给我买单……但是心里却会为你私自买给她的礼物而暗自开 心，因为女人觉得那是你的宠爱。

她在意的是你的心，你若真心，她必然实意。最起码你得表现得 真心,能让她感觉得到。

她会经常冒出些新鲜的想法来调剂生活，她的多变有时会让你不 安。

终有一天,她的敏感在你的呵护下慢慢消失不见，她的倔强被你 的保护软化，她的伪装在你面前被轻易识穿……

得到她，别骄傲，因为没有人可以吃定她。她是完美主义，对感 情，容不得一点瑕疵。

只有懂她的人，才会得到她的好。

她有时是有些迟钝的，在感情方面，但有时很敏感，因为她在 乎。

所以，别爱这样的女孩，她太骄傲，太偏激，太粗心，又太敏 感，太难伺候，太不温柔……

如果你没勇气，没能力可以坚持爱她，就不要打扰她。

因为如果你会离开，她的心将会永远冰封，再也不会为任何人打 开……


Hmmm. The girl... sounds like. . . :) Too alike! Hear here!

Freedom, how i long for you.

Friday . 14th May 2010

A brief update. :) Yesh, i still have time to update. Well, it has become my habit already. Besides, it's good to always have something to look back in the future by recording down my life's journey. Anyway, this week has (AGAIN) been another B U S Y week. And i feel like i'm killing myself slowly you know. "Thou shall not kill." Oops!

Watched a play by our IPTAR friends. They put up a drama on Macbeth. Very well done. Now they made me worried of my drama. =/

the play.

The weather in this week was really saddening. Almost every evening raining! :( I planned to play tennis since MOnday, but didn't have the chance to. Grrr!

"Rain, rain, go away! Little Agnes wants to play."

Hahaha, someone promised me he'll sing it to shoo the rain. So i'm hoping that next week i could swing my racket dy!

I demand this weather back! XD

Wednesday was an adventure day. Or should i say thrilling day? Haha. The night before i drove to school. Woah! Broke my record! Drove at night alone! I never dared to, but there's always a first time. :) However, when i reached hostel, both of my palms were as cold as ice. Brrr. Well, that first time indeed gave me a real COOL ride. Okay, so back to Wednesday, i drove my friends around from morning till noon. They were really daring to risk their lives on an inexperienced and easily-panicked fresh driver. And up till now i still can't believe i actually drove them around. We went out to shop for materials for our props. Four young ladies, went to cheap shops, scanning through the shelves to find suitable materials. Due to the extreme scorching hot weather, we decided to sit down and cool ourselves. And I had...

my ABC special!

Another special thing about this week is, it has been an Origami week. Lots of arts and craft. :D I slept around 1am last night was also because I had to make some crafts together with my friends. And next week, i will have MORE to do! *ARGHHHH!*

Origami flowers!

Today is Mdm Angie's birthday. We had planned something the night before to give her a sweet surprise. Fiona told me that Mdm Angie was so excited telling them about a pop up card she came across on the Net. And Mdm even imagined herself opening the pop up book with a bouquet of flowers popping out. So cute right? That's why we really love her! ^^ Mdm gave us the video how to make the flower pop up card. So the girls met in Xiao Yen's room around 11pm to learn how to do. The steps in the video were so fast! But luckily, they have got someone who's good at this stuff. :D

A surprised birthday card for Mdm Angie!

So today, our first lesson was with her. When she entered the class, we sang her birthday song. She was surprised. Then we gave her the card and asked her to open it.

So tadaaaa! Once she opened the card, the bouquet of flowers popped out! She was so surprised and happy! She said we are sooo sweet. She gave all of us a hug and kiss! ^^ Then she said excitedly, "Oh right! Now i can go show off to them!" Then she happily placed the card on her table. She's just so cute! The funniest thing was, before she left, she held the card with her hand and asked us, "Is it obvious? Is it obvious?" Look at her! Couldn't wait to show off to the other lecturers in the department. So happy wor. haha.

And this whole afternoon, was actually quite tired. Wanted to take a nap, but was hooked on with....

GREEK MYTHOLOGY!!!

I was reading the stories on the Net. Oh goodness! I've always wanted to read the complete one! I read some last time when i was in secondary school. The stories are veryyy interesting! I LOVE!!! The stories are pretty complicated though. hahaha. The relationships, especially. I'm so gonna finish reading all the stories! :D

Adorable huh? Aww, a jeans mini skirt pencil holder!

Oh and by the way, next Monday i am going to give a speech on going green. :D I have always wanted to talk about it. Kinda excited! The speech is out dy and I let my lecturer read through this morning. Just needa prepare the slides then should be fine. Have to practise a lot! Not forgetting I will be having another forum on Monday too. Ah goodness. It's just too much. Sigh. With the drama practice, i could only start my work after that, and how late was it by then? Slept late, then the other day had to wake up early at 5:45am. Totally SLEEP DEPRIVED, man!!! So for the speech, i was actually doing it on the bed few nights ago. While typing, while sleeping. Don't ask me how to do that. Cuz i have no idea.

I just really hope that my holidays will come soon. SET ME FREE, please! I want freedom. I want to savour the sweet taste of freedom!!!




A familiar image keeps appearing in my mind.
Blurry but i know it's true.
How i wish sometimes
that things will never change.

What has actually happened?
Have we allowed the changes to happen,
or have the changes come by themselves?

Should we be running away,
or to stand still and wait for the mist to disappear?

Now, you tell me.