20 things

i don't care but i just want to ask and say something for now.

1st. when i ask 'why', i mean it when i ask it because i want to know why. If you choose not to answer, then just bear whatever consequences it will bring.
2nd. people just can't understand things. I wonder why.
3rd. what kind of attitudes have we been wearing all this while? Think about it.
4th. are we doing enough?
5th. are we always giving our best?
6th. are you that numb to not even know what do all these mean?
7th. Okay, now are you too sensitive to think that i'm talking about you?
8th. wrong timing!
9th. is it still not enough?
10th. stop pretending. it makes me sick seeing all this.
11th. ambiguity. too bad we don't share the same mind to interpret things.
12th. too late too late too late!
13th. i won't go back. i will not permit myself to.
14th. like an excited schoolboy who found a bird nest, happily showed to his friend, who then stole it from him.
15th. but it is still the same, is it not? doesn't matter, does it?
16th. FRUSTRATED.
17th. i don't feel like going there. not anytime soon.
18th. i'm cool with it.
19th. i've taken it off. it helps me to see it less often, and thus...
20th. i can keep it safe and sound. :)

Volcanic erruption

Tuesday . 27th April 2010

Nope, this is not about the volcanic eruption in Eyjafjallajokull, Iceland. Anyways, volcanic eruption is good. It actually cools down the Earth. Likewise, my case too. :)


It has been a while...

You know what i have learnt about life recently? Precious wonderful things, as well as nasty horrible things. Sometimes in the day i felt so overjoyed and loved; sometimes in the day, i was overwhelmed by a gush of mixed emotions.

It's been a while... since i last played my favourite songs on the piano.
It's been a while... since i last watched a romantic tear-jerking movie.
It's been a while... since i last really enjoyed doing something i miss so much.

I don't know what happened. But i can feel only the sad impact on my life. I have no idea what caused it, hence i have no idea how to solve it. I'm losing my purposes of living and i can no longer hold on to faith.

Last Sunday while i was teaching the teenagers, I told them wonderful things about living. I told them that life is a gift from God, not everyone is so lucky to live long. So we should be grateful that at least, we live until today. I showed them a clip about loving and appreciating life. It's a very simple yet touching clip where they have recorded what the children suffered from cancer said. They were so desperate to fight on and live another; yet on the very contrary, there are people (like me) who grumble about life as each new day comes. There are people (like me) who complain that it's a total torment and suffering to live another day where there are people who are dying, insist to continue fighting, fighting and fighting. There were also people buried under the ground for weeks due to earthquake yet still cling on hope. It's simply because living is such a wonderful gift not many people can have the opportunity to have. I told the teenagers to list down things they would want to do in life before they die. I collected every of their papers and read them. Strong emotions stirring inside me as I read their dreams and things they want to do. I felt a tinge of sympathy and sadness as i ran through their lists of "I wish i could...". It reminded me - i was once just like that too.

I felt happy when i looked into their eyes. What i had told them must have had touched them. However, i felt sad too because I know the things i had just told them, are IRONIC.

I was once so anticipated over my future. I was once so enthusiastic over my life. I've planned everything, imagined everything, dreamt of everything i wish to do and to be until i could even smile when i was sleeping. Things were wonderful. Not until Mr. Reality stepped into my life and cut the ground from under my feet. He cruelly grabbbed away my everything - imagination, hope, dreams... And now sometimes in my sleepless hours, I would stare into the dark and wonder why am i working so hard? Why am i doing this when i don't even like it? Why my life has changed so drastically? Why things changed? Why people changed? Why things keep missing? How long am i gonna live? How long am i gonna endure all this? How am i gonna deal with things? How am i gonna persevere? How am i gonna let go off things? How am i gonna live in denial? How strong am i to say i don't care? How long can i flash a fake smile to the world? How long can i hold my tears back?

endless questions... not many answered.

growing pains - that's why i never liked growing up.

Ever since... i had a 'new life'. I'm a changed person, physically and mentally. Physically. I hear my body complain. How would i know? It's my body. My skin allergy just doesn't seem to get any better. In fact, it's worsening. I dislike air-conditioner. Very unfortunately i have to study in air-conditioned rooms everyday, with the temperature that could turn my nail purple. And yes, those who know me, i literally dry up when i'm in an air-cond room. Not only my moisture is sucked up, my brain juice as well. Thus, it makes me think slower and i don't think it could make me study any better. Besides that, I kept getting stomach ache and diarrhoea. :( The gruelling schedules and lots of other activities really would tire me and wear me out. I feel like...i'm slowly destroying myself. But i know, this is college life, i shouldn't complain over it. I should be grateful instead.

Mentally. I have turned into a pessimist. A serious one, at some point. I don't want it to be like this. It just...happened. :( I learnt to bottle my feelings up, i learnt to be selfish, i learnt to be ignorant, i learnt to be evil. Whatever i have encountered in life has poisoned my mind, changed me into someone i could hardly recognize. The melancholy element in me is gradually expanding. I find learning things something boring at times. I have to keep telling myself, forcing my mind and my body and to go on, to adapt. The school work alone is not enough for the suffering, still added on by other other miscellaneous problems. Being human is so difficult. And the fact that my freedom is totally restricted in here makes me blue. :( Many times, i had planned some de-stress activities but they all went awry. Sad, isn't? There would always be some last minute activities/lectures coming up. It's as though once you are in, you sold your soul and everything to them! What is left of me? A puppet that chases after the schedules. NO LIFE at all! Somehow i feel that, to enjoy has become a sin.

I kinda like the what a friend of mine told me this morning:

"Planning ahead is good. It's just that you forgot to plan the cushion for your fall." :)

Lately, i'm really falling apart and losing my grips. And this is also something worrying: my spiritual life went down too. Gotta pick myself up! I feel so ashamed in front of God, that i have such a small faith. Small faith! Small faith! I can lose all the other things but i must not lose faith. God, please hold my hand and lead me to walk steadily; not to fumble and stumble when it's dark.

I want a BIG faith!

Well, i guess i have let out some unhappiness from my full bottle. A bit cooled off. :) There's still a whole list of things awaiting for me to accomplish. Just can't pick up the happy mood. =/ Tired of pretending. :( Owkay i guess the time doesn't permit me to write long, i would better sign off now.

cling on tight.

老鹰，小蓝鸟与猫头鹰。

老鹰常常和小蓝鸟玩。 老鹰喜欢小蓝鸟，喜欢它的天真，单纯，高贵，清爽，快乐，大方，声音。。。 小蓝鸟也很喜欢与老鹰玩耍，但其实小蓝鸟更注意的是在另一颗树上神秘的猫头鹰。小蓝鸟常在想为何它总很神秘，很想掀开它的面纱。小蓝鸟常在想深夜的它，在想些什么；也常在想如果猫头鹰可以像老鹰那样，该多好。

过后，小蓝鸟常早起身，这样可以看见醒着的猫头鹰，说不定还可以跟它谈天。因为在太阳起身后，猫头鹰就会去睡觉了。即使猫头鹰没有跟它说话，小蓝鸟也习惯了在一旁静静地看着猫头鹰，静静地等它。但是这样的生活让小蓝鸟觉得很累。

或许，它们的世界真的差别太远了。

i

can't sleep.

Should i step forward for just remain here until it's safe to step forward?
Things happened too fast, and i am not sure which move to take. But from the two choices, i must pick one.

it's almost 3a.m.

Off track

Saturday . 17th April 2010

You see your friends tearing off, yet you could do nothing to help them,
because you are in a depressing moment too.

You fall after trying your best.

and you wish you could fly again.

i will care no more.

More mountains to go!

Sunday . 11th April 2010

A few highlights of the activities in the English Language Week 2010.

School visit to St. Mary.

woooooooooooooooh!

Looks good!

Weird posing after my influence. :p

09/04/2010 – It was not a good day for me at all. I would say that the bad thing started the night before. I stayed up all night to finish the slide show for tonight. SLEEPLESS. I did not sleep at all! T.T So the morning I was really extremely tired. But we had to leave the hostel at 530am because of...

Fire! Fire! not

It looked as if it’s on fire but it wasn’t in fact. It was due to fogging.

The spying moon.

I was sitting on the ground looking at the moon and the dark sky. Thinking something and sometimes just starring blankly into the dark sky.

I was actually waiting for the sunrise. But cancelled the plan because i still had work waiting for me to do.

Okay, so the even worse day started when I met my lecturer who asked me impatiently where the programme list for the cosplay was. I felt so ashamed and guilty too for always telling her “Oh not yet not yet.” Sigh. Then there went the bad mood. Coming to another lecturer’s class, she actually talked to me about this in front of the whole class, that the other lecturers didn’t know about the cosplay. I did print the form and pass ask the boys to pass it to the lecturers. But unfortunately, as a leader, you have to receive all this complaints. She expressed her disappointments and asked me to do the things she wanted me to do quickly. So I left the class, walked outside the library, back to the hostel. The whole journey back was tough. I kept telling myself “Yes, it’s not your fault, yes you are stressed but hold your tears, hold your tears.” But I know I couldn’t do it anymore, this time. I rush into my room and then instantly broken into tears. I was so stressed out. :(

Then after i had done the short script for Deputy Director, i went to Koperasi to photocopy. The trouble just continued. I needed to pay 50 cents, but i only have one RM10 note in my purse, no coins. The woman at the Koperasi didn't want it, she said she had no change. Well, what to do? So i went to cafeteria but the lady at the counter didn't want to change for me. She just let me stood there. I couldn't wait anymore so i just walked around asking who has the small change for RM10. No one had. Plus it was lecture hour so i couldn't really find anyone around that place. SIGH. I went back to the counter, asked her again. She sounded so frustrated. She opened the cashier machine and gave me what i wanted. I felt so pathetic. Goodness. Hate it.

Then lots of rushing here and there... Miss Fraulein treated everyone of us for lunch, but i just ordered a drink. Talked to her about the preparation for cosplay. I frankly told her it was not well prepared, lots of things we did not know how to do or we missed out the things we ought to do. Really stressed out. I hadn't even had a proper meal for two days. :(

Finally, afternoon, we had Line Dancing session with Mdm Angie and the other lecturers. It was great and fun! First time seeing Mdm Angie so active running here and there. And also, it was my first time seeing her in sneakers. :) I've decided to join them every Thursday! Get to exercise too eh!

Then the night, goodness. Totally stressed out. There was an internal conflict. First time facing it. "We thought that you were intelligent, you were good and we respected you, now see what happened? 5$#&*#" *deeply hurt* I suddenly didn't know what to do. Did not know how to carry on with the activity that night. I went out of the hall, thinking of who to call, or who to ask for help. Some faces appeared in my mind but I shook my head so that the blurry faces will disappear. I know it makes no difference. What was i hoping? Someone to jump to me and say, "D c, i n i w c w y."?? But no no no. Just forget about it. 

So i just texted the person who scolded me just now, and apologized. He replied sorry and said he didn't mean it. He said he was just stressed out. (Yeah, everyone was! But that's not the way to release your stress on someone else. I never did that. The things that they did not do well, i took them and did it for them. Ended up my workload kept on adding.) Luckily it was solved and the whole night even ran smoothly. :) Thank God, thank God. Mdm Angie gave me a big kiss. hehe. :D And i'm relieved it's finally over. But then, the slide show which i stayed up to do whole night, wasn't even played! Lecturer said we're running out of time so skipped that one. So sad you know. WASTED. Anyways, i can't rest yet. Still got more things coming up. I gotta be strong.

Consequences of a SLEEPLESS night:
1. Walked into a pole. *ouch* got a bump on my forehead.
2. Fell asleep while reading a book in church yesterday evening.
3. Kicked something hard because i did not see it.
4. Hurt my toe when opened the door.

I want it to be OVER.

i'm back!

Sunday . 4th April 2010

After a looooong disappearance due to the horribly insane week, here i am! I feel that i just gotta update my blog. (For my reading in the future) :D Okay.. where should i start huh. Okay, i will just type out whatever that flies across my mind. Lazy to organize the ideas.

1. World Style DEBATE - Goodness!! First time, was very scared at first, but luckily it was fine. :) Thank God for putting peace into me and taking my fear away. :) It was just an exposure, not a real competition but it was like a competition. Mental torture for whole day! Met lots of new friends, challenged myself and learnt a lot! The people from Swinburne were really good in debating. In the first round, we talked for the Opening Government. my partner, Jason and I got the first. In the second round, we talked for the Closing Opposition. This one was crazy, basically you couldn't prepare anything. So we just walked in with blank papers. Didn't do well in this one as the Opening Government narrowed down the topic to football. EPL. Gosh i know nothing! Luckily my partner gave me some points and we managed to turn the whole topic back. We got 3rd for that round because our Opening Opposition has made a wrong start. But personally i feel they are really good with their points, just that the points couldn't engage in the debate started by the Opening Government. In the third round, we got 2nd. Aaah, missed out so many better points you know! :( The points came flowing out only after i have talked up there. Aiks! I couldn't get used to it yet. Debate was scary, nonetheless very fun! In the end our team got the fourth place. And i got the 4th best speaker! Totally unexpected!!! ^^ Oh yea, and it was a great trip too 'cuz there's a lot of shuai ge. LOL! XD Oh yea, and we are invited to become adjudicators when Swinburne organizes a debate competition sometime around the end of April. Woot! It would be fun and it certainly would be a wonderful exposure for me to learn things. :) Can't wait!

2. 2.4km run. The day before the running i only had one hour sleep. =/ So the next day was feeling very groggy for the whole day but still had to go for the 2.4km running test. Crazy ah. I ran, forced myself to run. However, fainted after i have finished running. My friends came to help, and i was lying by the roadside, starring at the sky. I had a severe nausea and i just couldn't stand up and walk. Once i tried to stand up, i felt like fainting and i was so weak to even make a move forward. So i had no choice but to lie there. My PE lecturer just drove past me without stopping and asking how was i! T.T It was so scary. It's the first time i experienced this effect after sports. Well, yeah, i hate jogging! I would rather go play badminton, tennis, swimming or any sports other than jogging! It almost killed me! The lecturer still said that PE is good for us. Yes, it is, only if it's taught and carried out in an effective and right way. If the purpose of PE is to add stress and burden to us like the one we are having now, then seriously, i don't see the point having PE. PE is supposed to be something which we enjoy, and at the same time, will also help us to exercise and to release stress. Apparently the one that i'm having now is only piling up the stress i have.

3. Ice-cream. The other day, i promised Gracie to buy her an ice-cream so we walked to the shop, chose her ice-cream and when i wanted to pay, OOPS. I forgot to bring my purse! Awkwardly, we put back the ice-cream. Gracie was quite unhappy after that.

Ah, i'm very sleepy now. I don't think i could type more. So i'll just end it here and grab a nap. After this i still have a long list of things to do. T.T 12 things to be done. Good. The consequence of procrastinating. =/ Feel dreaded and lazy to go back to school again. Life starts again. Everytime my weekend is like a temporary escape from my hectic life, but sadly it's too short each time. I couldn't rest well enough. Before i realized, the happy hour is coming to an end. Next week we will have our Language Week, followed by a Language Camp and the finale on Friday night - - Cosplay! I'm the person in charge. Lots of things to do. Not forgetting the DRAMA too!!! *faint faint* Oh goshhh! Give me more time please. If i continue on like this, i really can't imagine how will i be able to endure.


It's hard. Never-ending.


Don't you think it's a loss that you just keep missing out on each other?
Don't you think it's very tiring to play guessing all the time?
and don't you think it's sad that you never even know it?