a girl and a wall

抱怨，有说不尽的抱怨；
不满，有吐不尽的不满；
失落，有数不尽的失落；
悲伤，有咽不尽的悲伤。

At times, i feel that i woke up every morning, the first thing i did was to torture myself with freezing cold water. I knew it was so cold till my nails turn purple, yet i just love it. Why? 'Cuz that will wake me up, "AGNES! You are living in reality. NEVER EVER FORGET THAT." Very true isn't it? I gotta remind myself every day so that i won't forget it.


I met a girl the other day. This girl, looked fairly good outside, she looked happy. You can tell no sadness from her face. She was so busy doing something, putting a lot of efforts in it. I walked closer, patted on her shoulder, "What are you busy with, girl?"

She turned to me, looking rather lost. She looked at me blankly. Soon, her tears were battling in her eyes. It seemed that she wasn't doing something that she likes, that she wanted to. Yet for some reasons she just forced herself to do it. I could see her pain, i could even FEEL the pain. The unfathomable pain that she's bearing on the shoulder which i just gave a pat on.

I gazed into her eyes, trying to fix the incomplete puzzles i had on her thought. Her eyes were filled with things but spoke nothing. It's as though i was gazing at a sophisticated and complicated picture of...everything, yet see nothing at all.

It took a long time for her to reply my question. It's as if my question took her a long time to find all the reasons from her brain so that she could give me a brilliant answer that would make me salute her.

"I don't know what i am doing. I don't know. I don't know."

Three words. Yet it took her so long to answer me. Now, that explained the tears and the picture i saw through her eyes. She's doing something she didn't know why she had to do it. She's doing something with full effort, BUT not knowing WHY she's doing that. She's doing something with full effort, BUT not knowing WHY she's doing that! Obviously, she's lost. She's completely lost.

She didn't know why on earth was she in such place, to do such thing and to live such way. She might have had a dream before, but i guess she had lost the dream. She dared not to dream the dream. It must have been a pain for her to talk about her dream. It must have been hard for her to live like this. She had a compass before, apparently she had it lost. She has no guide now, no direction, just merely following the way wherever the wind directs her. She lost her senses. Bitter is sweet and dark is light.

Poor girl.

She added on, "They lied. They lied me with their empty promises, they said they would care. In fact, they left me in this world. They have gone to the moon, or they might have even landed in Jupiter now."

I kept silence.

"I used to think that everything was so possible. If i put in all my efforts, there's no doubt i will reap in return. But the reality gave me a brute knock - WAKE UP, GIRL! It's just reality and you - no fairy tales!"

I didn't know what to say.

"How painful it is, to live a life you don't even know what you are doing? How stupid it is, to find yourself sitting in a corner of the crowd, knowing you could do loads of things, but you just don't know why you aren't doing them?"

I wanted to say something but my lips were zipped.

"Having the loss of the direction, makes life meaningless. You have no idea where you are off to, you don't know why are you doing the things you are doing now. You tried to ask the people around you and you got lots of matter-of-fact answers, which don't help a thing at all."

I tried to unzip my mouth.

"What is all this? Life is so unfair."

I wanted to say 'Life is never fair.' when she said,

"LIFE IS NEVER FAIR. Right? Everyone would be telling me that. I'm so sick of it!"

I zipped back my mouth.

"We are just puppets. Puppets of life. When it's time to smile, we fake a smile if we don't feel like smiling. It's for the audience after all. When we feel like weeping, we just hold it in cuz they audience wouldn't like it."

Now that life has turned into a show? I thought.

"Nevermind. It's useless telling you all this. You are only a wall. You don't understand. You know nothing! Goodbye."

I tried to console her, but she had packed her things and left.

spices!