In the midst of exam...

It's been a while. (again) 

Actually now i'm having my exam for Semester 3. Time really flies! Can't believe i'm actually here, sitting for my exam and soon, holiday - half a year is gone! Wow. It never fails to amaze me how fast and how easily things can slide when we didn't pay much attention to them. 

I don't feel like sleeping yet so here i am to sprinkle some words. Life has been... :) *smile* Whether it's good or bad, you just gotta smile and go through it strongly, right? :) I personally believe that every problem is God's plan to stretch us, mould us, or sometimes, even have to break us, so that we could be how He wants us to be. A lot of things happened this semester. Scary, unexpected, devastating and more... 

LOVE. 

I never knew a four-letter word could demand so much. So much that you really think you are no one good enough to say you love someone, or you could love someone, or, you have loved someone. 

LOVE is a big word which demands you to OVERLOOK many unpleasant things, words, or actions. Maybe it's something people have done to you, or the words...Sometimes, you just have to be blind to love them. Afterall, love is blind. Haha!

LOVE is a big word which demands you to ACCEPT the past, whether it's your past, the ones you treasure, or the ones whom dislike you. Accept things someone did in the past, even though they are causing pain to you now. Accept your own mistakes, your own past, open a new chapter and start writing again! :)

LOVE is a big word which demands you to FORGIVE. To forgive yourself, and others. Enough with self-pity! If you love yourself, if you love God and love His creation (which is you), stop indulging yourself in self-pity. Forgive yourself, set yourself free. You deserve something way better! God has given us so much more, why choose the bad ones? And this is the hardest part, i have seen people talking about 'forgiveness' yet when it comes to action, we know ourselves how much we can forgive others. It is really hard to forgive, especially when they have hurt you so much, so much. 

LOVE is a big word which demands you to BE PATIENT. If you want to love others, first learn to be patient. How much can you love? How long can you wait? In loving your enemies, how much can you love them? How long can you hold on?

Basically, these are just lessons learnt. *fuuuh~* i have to admit that i am not good at all those, it just seems really hard to LOVE. However, i promised to God i will try. And i really want to try. Not to show to others, but it's my promise to my Father, whom has demonstrated LOVE through His grace and blessings. And yes, sometimes, i feel unfair, i feel frustrated. Why could they do all those things to me yet i had to swallow? It's easy right, i could do the same by unleashing all i felt out. I'm also a human being. I have feelings, too. I can't just keep swallowing. I could just blaaaaaaah and do the same. However, i really don't want to do that. Maybe to others, it's running away; to me, it's running to GOD. Seriously, i admit that it blew me very badly, and yes, there were times i almost broke down and wondered why the test was so difficult. And yes, many times, it just made me feel so unloved... However, when we choose to cast our problems to God, He shows us it can be easy if you cling on to Him. Wait for HIM, in His time, He makes all things perfect. :) And when i draw myself closer to Him, He showed me how much more He loves me than i thought. Thank You, Father God. 

I'm still praying over it. 

I will not break the promise with God.

I'm waiting for God's perfect timing. 

Father God, show me the message behind this mess.

I will wait upon You.

God knows.

Life's been pretty... indescribable, unfathomable, unexpected lately. The roller coaster keeps going up and down, round and round,

round and round...

Sometimes there was an assuring peaceful moment; sometimes unexpected things just exploded uncontrollably; sometimes your view got really blurred and you just couldn't see the road ahead clearly; sometimes everything turned so rowdy and you really found it hard to hear the voice - God's calming and assuring voice in the midst of all noises; sometimes life drove you crazy until you felt like running away from everything; sometimes people hurt you made you feel so unwanted and unloved; sometimes you felt helpless when you know the truth was distorted; sometimes you wished someone could just give you a pat on your shoulder to say 'I still trust you' when everyone had their fingers pointed at you; sometimes you wished for people to believe in you for what they truly know about you despite the things they saw and heard; sometimes life got so unfair but the only option you had was to go along with it; sometimes your spirit grew faint and you were just too timid to make another move on; sometimes you felt like giving up, sometimes you felt terribly lost, sometimes you felt so devastated and dismayed;

sometimes you felt like you don't belong here.

How long more, O Lord?
How much more, O Lord?
Will i be able to pull through?
What is it that You want me to learn this time?

Teach me, Lord.
If it means to break me, break me, Lord.
Test me. Mould me. Guide me.
Comfort me. Assure me.

Teach me not to pull through in ways my emotions would take me,
But in the ways that You desire.
Teach me not to hurt other people
But to love them and pray for them.
Teach me not to join them and not to utter unpleasant words
But to bless them with good words.
Teach me not be be hasty in making any decision
But to wait in Your time.

Dear Lord, only You know.
Lord, grant me strength, perseverance, and confidence.

Lord...

Kiss The Rain

I often close my eyes,
And I can see you smile.
You reach out for my hand,
And I'm woken from my dream.
Although your heart is mine,
It's hollow inside.
I never had your love,
And I never will.

And every night
I lie awake,
Thinking maybe you love me
Like I've always loved you,
But how can you love me
Like I loved you when
You can't even look me straight in my eyes?

I've never felt this way,
To be so in love,
To have someone there,
Yet feel so alone.
Aren't you supposed to be
The one to wipe my tears?
The one to say that you would never leave?

The waters calm and still,
My reflection is there.
I see you holding me
But then you disappear.
All that is left of you,
Is a memory
On that only, exists in my dreams.

I don't know what hurts you,
But I can feel it too.
And it just hurts so much,
To know that I can't do a thing.
And deep down in my heart,
Somehow I just know
That no matter what
I'll always love you...

So why am I still here in the rain?

Reluctance.

Lately...

I'm grateful that God is always here, through thick and thin. Really thankful for His presence in my hard times and His timely help when i was about to break. Few weeks ago was my darkest moment in life (so far). I was really struggling through many things. I was forced to make decisions which i did not know whether it was right or wrong... i felt as if i was just suddenly being thrown into a mess and all i could do was struggling to get out from that swamp. I fought to swim to the land to save myself from being swallowed by the swamp, but the more i fought, the more tired i got, and in the end i was really at the verge of losing faith, strength, and myself! Words could hardly describe how the situation was at that time. However, in the midst of helplessness, hopelessness, devastation, and despair, all i could do was to cry to God. And that was the exact thing i should be doing.

Really, most of the time, when we don't know what to believe in, believe in GOD. Always believe that God has orchestrated the string of events in life to lead us into His plan, be it ups or downs... But if you truly trust Him, God will show you the plans He has for you. Only if... only if you are willing to go through all the difficulties walking with Him in the path He has prepared for you.

I'm just simply grateful, blessed and thankful for all the things which God has made them happen. :) Thanks for His constant assurance, though big or small, to keep me going on in this path. Apart from that, i feel truly blessed to to be given a very strong fellowship at campus. The wonderful, devoted and inspiring lecturers; caring, thoughtful and amazing brothers and sisters; bubbly, beautiful and supportive bananaboat. Seriously, when you really count the blessings in life, you will soon realize who we are to complain we still haven't received enough from God! ;) Praise the Lord, we have received so much so much from God!!! And MORE TO COME! Oh Lord, teach us how to count the blessings in life instead of counting the troubles in life.

Wow... simply amazing...!! From the deep valley, God led me out of it, and taught me many things! Thank You, Lord! For your faithfulness and unfailing love for me. Right now, i just really want to be a blessing to other people so that i could be God's little servant to reach out, and serve the others.

me-less, others-more, God-more.

Chinese New Year is approaching soon! Have a blessed CNY! :)

Jesus, Take The Wheel

Songwriters: James, Brett; Lindsey, Hillary; Sampson, Gordie;

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy
With the baby in the backseat

Fifty miles to go and she was running low
On faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year

She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
She was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning
On a thin black sheet of glass

She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was so scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Because I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat
Sleeping like a rock

And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life

I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus, take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Because I can't do this on my own

I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I'm on

Oh Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, I'm letting go

So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus, take the wheel
Oh, take it, take it from me
Oh, why, ooh

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8-YO6g05aA

Very meaningful. :)

Let God be God. :) He knows what to do. :') ♥
He always knows.

Be strong.

It's Monday...! (Okay what's about it?) Anyway... i just got back from campus an hour ago after WHOLE DAY staying at campus! Was having headache this morning so i slept a bit longer, so i left home very late this morning, around 650am, and guess what? I got trapped in the traffic jam for 45 mins!!! Wow... And halfway through, somebody just dashed in in front of me. How would that feel? You queued for so long and someone just 'cut in' the line. Gosh. Anyway, the moral of the story is... be early!

The morning lecture was okay... had a lot of time 'loitering' around, but that doesn't matter cuz we enjoyed our sweet time talking. Not bad. Then, i stayed back in the afternoon to meet up the juniors to give them a short briefing on the paperwork for ELF 2 last year. Spent sometime talking, laughing, taking photos with them. Then went to Miley's room (who has been very kind to accept a roomless me there...) was reading my book then she was watching Supernatural. Had a few times feeling like wanna faint and there was always these sudden shiver of coldness... :( Had a very very very bad weekend and totally feel like everything turned the other way round, up is down, and down is up. Too painful to accept. However, just gotta accept it and move on right? :( Not easy, but i'm trying...

I'm just gonna try to smile despite how painful it is... i'm just gonna move on and accept it. Just gonna keep myself busy so that i won't have much time to think about it.. Yes, go, girl...

Appreciate whatever you have before life makes you appreciate what you had.

Of flood, new semester, life...

This morning i woke up when the alarm rang, 5:30am.. it was already raining very heavily for hours i suppose. I was too tired so i snoozed the alarm off and went back to sleep, thinking that even if i go earlier to campus today, it will be super jam anyway. So i woke up again an hour later, the water level outside my house was already rising! The drain water was full and had overflown. The water was slowly reaching the fence. Dangg! Mom called back, told me she was stuck in a terrible traffic jam to work, asked me not to go to campus cuz it would be even worse there, and told me to move the stuff in the study room. Do i did, and looking at the water level, i didn't drive out, i just called my class monitor to tell her i won't be going that early, depends on the situation. Had a few calls with friends, and they told me don't need to go to campus dy as the Batu Lintang area was very badly flooded. Soon after, class monitor informed that all lectures were cancelled! Oh well, an unexpected holiday!

However, that doesn't mean i could sleep back! I went downstairs to move all the boxes in my study room upstairs. Now i have my bookshelf in my bedroom. And all the other boxes. My room has turned into a refuge! After all the books-saving effort, i sat down on the sofa and rested. The water level outside the house had stopped rising, time to take a break. Then went to check Facebook, found out shocking news! A form 6 girl was walking to school on the knee-length flooded road after the parents dropped her and she fell into the drain! :((((( Then a cashier who was at the Shell station went to save her, he managed to grabbed her. However, the water current was too strong that both of them got washed away. SAD! In just a flood, two lives are taken. (and this is only near Batu Lintang/Rock Road here, i don't know about other places.) May God bless their souls, and may God grant peace, comfort, and strength to the families who suffered from the loss.

Just how fragile life is...

Yesterday was the first day of lecture. The subjects offered this semester are... hmmm. I'm worried! I just don't seem to be interested in those. Hopefully i could find them interesting soon. =/ Or else, this would be a very dull semester! Really missed those fun and laughter in the class! The first two hours, our lecturer didn't even appear! Worse, we couldn't even contact him. Aduhh. What a good first impression you've made, sir! Anyway, thanks to him too, that the people in the class got to hung around and talked. It has been awhile! Then we had some very short lectures to introduce the subjects. And i was already feeling sleepy! We had our lectures all pushed up to the morning so the afternoon was free! However, i stayed back for some counseling and mind-relieving session. Although in the end i still didn't get my answers, no wait, actually i got my answers, but i know any decisions i make now would be hurting somehow, in different ways. I'm actually totally stuck, whichever move i make, i just can't run away from it. Hmm well, that's just life isn't it?

No matter what mess life throws you, you just gotta fight through it strong!

Yesterday evening, went jogging with Miley. Hooray! Stamina increased a bit! :) Lately i went jogging cuz it can drain my energy and make me tired, then i would be able to sleep at night! Then we met our institute's hokey team! We stopped and watched. Miley and i talked about how much we like guys who do sports, guys who spend time for sports despite hectic life schedules... Wahseh! Back to secondary school.

Then last night... :) I just wanna say thank you to you. Felt a lot better.. :) Really miss it...

When you are overwhelmed by the realities,
don't forget that miracle is there waiting.
When you think that you've lost all hopes,
just remember to rekindle some faith in you.
Even if, it's a tiny little faith you could muster.
A tiny spark of faith could light up all the possibilities in impossibilities.

A tiny squeak of faith could be a deafening call to the Heaven,
and you know, God is definitely going to send His help
and make miracle!

Surrender everything to GOD.

Humans are born strong.