identity crisis.

After weeks of dwelling in this phase of life, i'm ready to share it here. Perhaps, this would help me in seeing things clearer. Writing always helps me to lay out my issues and see things clearly. So...here it goes!

identity crisis [noun]
a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society.

This is exactly what i am facing and experiencing now. Here are the problems: I recently find myself keep thinking that i am too imperfect, i have no confidence, i'm slacking off, i'm becoming worse, and i just don't fit in anywhere anymore! I constantly find myself doubting the things i am/was (see i am not even sure of it myself!) interested in. I seem to be too absorbed in finding who i really am until i really lost myself. Errr, does that make any sense to you?

I think becoming a twentysomething does affect me, a little. I begin to feel the burden of the responsibilities I carry on my shoulder and I am more aware of every little and big action I do. And most of the time, i wondered if i was really doing what i should do, with what i have, at where i am, to the right people. 

I feel burnt out and find myself ranting all the time over busyness, busyness, and busyness. Commitments. Duties. I need to learn how to reorder my priorities so that I won't wear myself down. Many times, I found myself feeling so exhausted after tonnes of work. Giving tuition classes is really a heavy duty on me as I have to sacrifice and sometimes squeeze out my time for them. Can I really take it? If i cannot do it, i should say no. I think it might take me years or forever to learn to say 'no'.

I also become more sensitive of my appearance. Usually girls experience this during teenage hood, but apparently mine comes later. Oh well~ Anyway, I have a very negative self-image. Most of the time i see myself as ugly. I sighed and felt sad looking at the pretty clothes in my wardrobe. An increase of 1kg would freak me out. I crave for exercises. Real sweating exercises so that it could help me release endorphin which will make me happy. Sadly, it's been raining almost every evenings and i couldn't go enjoy tennis. This is sad. 

Next is...SELF-CONFIDENCE! My self-confidence shrunk! I used to be very confident. Ah, how much i miss the Agnes last time and her great self-confidence. I wish i could become her again. I realized i value myself too lowly. I think about myself as being really small, as being someone not important. Also, I doubt my capabilities. I doubt even the things that I am good at. I doubt if i was meant to be a teacher. I doubt if i could do my job well. Things didn't turn out as i thought and i start to judge and evaluate myself. Is this really for me?

When I meet someone, I become over self-conscious, I am very concerned over how others would look at me. Would they talk to me and feel that I have nothing special in me and get disappointed because I don't measure up to their expectation? Was I doing things the right way? Will it push other people away? Am I good enough? So I became overly careful with the way I bring myself. I tensed up, and when I tensed up, I was not being myself anymore, and things got even worse. 

When I reflect on myself these few months, I really see the impact of my slowly disappearing self-confidence. What has gone wrong? Is it because the strikes of reality that make me aware of the many many imperfections i have in me? Or is it actually because i was over confident last time? Why did my self-confidence desert me? 

My best friend said, "Be happy, be beautiful, be confident". Every word penetrates right through me and wakes me up. I seriously need to collect my self-confidence back. I need to practise my charm - the unspoken aura that comes from within. I need to know and acknowledge my own worth. I need to think I am good, special, and unique in my very own way. I need to appreciate my talents - they are wonderful gifts from God. Why do I have to try so hard to please everyone else? I just have to be the Agnes at her very best. Don't just sparkle, shine! Let your confidence shine and that is the best and most powerful possession i could ever have. I am awesome, capable, and beautiful. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. 

Psalm 139:14 (NIV)

Yes! My Creator made me the way He wants me to be. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I declare that His works are wonderful - and that means I am wonderful too because He made me. I need to start to learn to look at myself differently. My Father God sees me and smiles and thinks I am wonderful. I need to look at myself through God's eyes.

Don't just be yourself;

Be the BEST VERSION of yourself.

Missing...

My mind has lots of things which i want to share. However, when i opened this page, i didn't know where to start off with, or which to write.

Okay, i will just be honest and...share what is on my mind...

I miss this...

The little hill top.

I'm awesome me!

Awesome is not awesome without me.

You must first believe that you can make it!

Once in a while, you would need a little boost of confidence, a little push to go even further. So, here I am, cheering myself to keep going on! I know this sounds crazy, but yeah... Sometimes, that little boost of confidence, that little push, that little affirmation, that little motivation, should come from you yourself!

I want to just take a few minutes, to praise myself for how awesome I have been! I'm currently having my precious, precious holiday...and everyone knows that my holidays are never free! Perhaps it's me, I would go crazy if i were to idle around and do nothing - i just need to occupy myself with things to do. And when I do that, I'm complaining my life is too packed. 

In this holiday, I have
(a) two assignments to complete
(b) practicum files which i need to keep up-to-date
(c) tennis
(d) meet ups with friends
(e) tidy my stuff
(f) Vanessa's tuition
(g) Form 1 History tuition
(h) outings
(i) one novel to finish
(j) pupils' work which i need to tidy, file up, decorate and display
(k) next week's lesson plans to plan and teaching aids to make

Wow wow wow...

How can i manage all?
So far so good, but honestly, i'm almost worn down! :(
Holiday is coming to an end...
And, right now, i feel giddy when I try to stand up or just look at things around me.

Father God, hold me before I break... 

Let me draw strength from You...

Saying "I love you"...

"I love you"

The three most overused, misunderstood, & misused words.

When, where, why, how and to whom you would say these three words to? Have they been such overly used words that they actually lose their meaning? You say them to a random someone as how you randomly mean them? Why did you take away the valuable meaning behind these three beautiful words? 

'Guys use it like rags and girls desire it like gold.'

Is that it? "I love you" sounds so meaningless. I'm not being a dreamy girl who over fantasises about love but I never ever once think that "I love you" should be taken for granted. To me, "I love you" comes with a commitment. "I love you" is not your hello-s nor goodbye-s unless the person you say to means something to you. 

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. 

I don't know about others, in my opinion, no matter how westernized someone is, "I love you" should be used with care and good purpose. Never say them when you don't mean it at all, especially when you use them to banter with opposite sex. I personally feel guys who use these three words a lot without meaning them are just so cheap. Call me old-fashioned, but i do feel there are a lot more other better expressions in the English language which are more suitable and appropriate to use rather than "I love you". 

Guys, in particular, should be more careful with the use of these three words. They can either magically heal or devastatingly hurt the girls. If you don't mean anything, don't use them too often that you might send the wrong signals or you might actually degrade yourselves when other people look at the way you interact with girls. Never take "I love you" for granted - you don't mean what you say, but the ones receiving it don't read your minds. So you really can't blame it fully on girls who take "I love you" seriously and get your message wrong at the end of the day. 

Why not save them for the right person who deserve them the most?

Keeping those three words until the moment you say it to the person you truly love and who truly deserves those three words - how wonderful and beautiful that would be! It would be so meaningful as those words are saved for the person. You wouldn't find a compliment meaningful to you when you know it has been going around everywhere to anyone before it comes to you, would you? And if you compare, having received a compliment that is only for you, how wonderful it would make you feel? 

So, guys and girls, save your "I love you" to the ones who truly deserve it, and to the ones you really mean it to.

A disturbed mind.

Lord, my mind is so disturbed recently.
There are too many thoughts and feelings jumbled up on my mind.
How much i wanted to get rid off those...
I've tried hard but to no avail.

Lord, I've made so many mistakes.
Will You still forgive me and love me, Lord?
Can I still be a brand new person and embrace a brand new chance, Father?
I can't help but to sometimes think that all these i'm experiencing now are because of my own mistakes.

Lord, I feel so ashamed thinking about my past.
All the childish things that I've done,
all the unthoughtful words that I've uttered,
all the disobedient moments I had with You.

I feel so daunted by the future.
I can't figure out where I am standing now and where I will be heading to.
I wish to see clear signs or even a revelation,
I want them so clear that I am very sure that I am on the right path.
But why do I feel so afraid now?

I need an affirmation.
I need encouragement.
I need You to tell me it's all right.
I need a hug, or even a touch will do.
I need to feel Your presence.
I need to embrace in You and feel Your warm peace flowing in my heart.

Lord, what are the messages behind these mess this time?
Please show me. Break me if You need to.
Father, I need You.
I need You to make me whole.

This feeling of being lost in nowhere is terrifying.
Choices, mistakes, people, commitments...
Lord, teach me how to face all these.
Lord, guide me so that I could confront them.

Soul-searching, self-reevaluating...

Yes! This is another night where i just couldn't help but feeding myself with unhealthy and heart-breaking activities and making myself getting very very emotional. Sigh! This was what I would do when I had too much time, huh? Perhaps lil Vanessa should come for tuition tonight, or perhaps, i should have gone out and hang out with my girlfriends. Any perhaps but sitting in front of the laptop, eyes glued on the screen, reading and reading some not-so-important-matters. And in the end, i got so stirred up and i'm suddenly feeling so low. 

When I first started blogging, i used to pour everything (and trust me, i mean everything - even the most random thing!) into the blog. I wrote everything that i felt. But then I stopped as I grew slightly more mature. I started to believe that writing feelings out was something very childish, and only emo people would do it. Also, i believed that it somehow proved a negative character of a person or his capabilities to handle and manage problems. And at times, i thought it seemed pathetic as if i had no one to talk to that i'm talking, wait, it's not even talking, that i'm typing it out to a *pause* non-living thing. But i would say NO to that idea again, for now. Venting it out in blogs is therapeutic! Well, for me, I must admit I'm not a very verbal person, my thoughts are more composed when I write them out. Of course I do talk things out and I enjoy doing that, just that somehow it is only effective when I'm talking to the right person. Anyway, so now, I'm back and I still believe in typing things out, documenting every part of my life. After all, this blog is rather private so I suppose I would feel safe here to let out my inner thoughts, any of my confusion, my fear, my worries, my silly dreams, my embarrassing moments...anything.

Isn't it scary that you let go of your confidence just because of the false negative judgements you have on yourself? Worse is, those judgements are made based on how others perceive you, or even what you think others would think of you. Where is your self-worth? You are worth so much more, my dear. However, gaining back the confidence after losing it can take quite some time, and great effort, and constant boost of positive-ness. I need to gain back my confidence! I need to be the confident Agnes back!

I believe i look good. Thus, I am good, and i can be good!

Another thing which frustrates me is that I really never learn to say "NO". I'm always very interested in everything and want to be part of as many things as i could. Yes, I do benefit from participating actively in meaningful activities, but at the same time, i am also wearing myself down. I always forgot the fact that I am a human - a human with flesh, a human with limitations. I guess I've always had the picture of an Iron Woman or some octopus-like wonder woman, or  someone who can split herself when I try to imagine myself. 

Practice saying 'no'. No, no, no...

So the over-ambitious thought of what I could do and what I want to do always brings along with it unnecessary stress and sacrifice of my precious free time. And all these will later become my complaints. 

What's bugging me now?

I've agreed to help out as an adjudicator for Swinburne debate competition tomorrow. It will be a Saturday, and it's the Saturday, the break, i have been longing for for the whole week. I am not sure if i have made the wise decision of spending my whole Saturday there. Well, i hope I would be able to learn something from it as well. I think I will be bringing my camera and perhaps record some sessions to show to my students. Since I have already agreed, I would better just make the best of it. :) Be positive, yes? 

Next, is of course, my Scheme of Work, lesson plans, journal entry, teaching aids...which have to be completed by the end of this weekend. *scream* And i don't really have time. Seriously, why did I make myself so busy with so many things? (See, there goes the complaints.) SIGH! Well, i guess it's another not-enough-rest weekend for me! Embrace it, Aggy!

Then...is that. But i won't elaborate much here. 

Hrmmm. That's all for this post. Feeling slightly better, even though nothing has been solved yet, but at least i've got the attitude fixed. Blogging does help. 

OKAY~ 

A beautiful tomorrow awaits me!

lingering thoughts...

I really dislike it when i delay sprinkling my thoughts here and finding it difficult to type what i wanted to record down in this blog. Anyway, some of the thoughts which keep lingering on my mind:

I want to stop humiliating myself by all the stupid thoughts and actions. 

I must be more independent. 

I must be an emotionally and spiritually strong lady.

I want to be better.

I am not weak, and you can't hurt me. 

I will fight through it strongly!

Keep shining, but don't get burned out.
Keep believing, but don't dream too much.

Yes, you can accomplish so much more than this.
Yes, you deserve so much more than this.

Keep loving, even though it hurts.
Keep doing, even though it seems the same.
Keep hoping, even though there ain't a clue. 
Keep giving, but know that there's a limit.

One day, God will reveal the reasons
and everything will be crystal clear.