I've been living for almost eighteen years on Earth. That's is a miracle! Being able to wake up everyday, to live another day, is a miracle. Don't you agree? :)
Been breathing for almost 18 years, wonder how many years could i breathe more. Only God knows how much time i left. Nonetheless, i now learnt to treasure every moment i have. Life has indeed taught me lots of things. However, at times, i just hope that i could remain forever in my childhood. I don't need to know all the sophisticated things, i don't need to confront with cruel reality, i don't need to worry. I could just remain naive, innocent, carefree and happy. So i guess growing up isn't something wonderful at all huh.
Anyways, a quick flash back on this year: my life changed tremendously that i could barely accept. Really, this was not an easy year. It was filled with complications, confusions, decisions, depressions and new responsibility to bear. However, just because of all these challenges, this year has marked a new starting point for another stage of life. I'm now sailing towards the other direction of life, no more the one i used to imagine. Just feel the urge to share what i feel about my life now. :)
I have been through the stage of total hopelessness when bitter realities came hitting on me violently, causing my faith to shake and my hope to vanish, and before i could realize, i was stumbling around faithlessly in the midst of deepest despair. That time was really the darkest time in my life, so far. And i was so miserably lost, not knowing what to look forward to. Because i thought my life had ended.
If you have been following my blog, you would know which time i meant. It was the time when i was forced to make decision. Not just any decision, but a decision of a lifetime and i'm betting my future and everything i yet to be to it. Making decision is always difficult! You have to consider all the factors, consequences, the people around you, you yourself, and of course the most important one, HIM. I never liked making decision, but this is life! It's about decisions, sacrifices...bla bla. DECISIONS.
I've always been reminded that things can't always go the way we wanted. So never hope too much. But no matter how many times i've heard it, deep down in my heart, there's still a flicker of hope telling me that, things
could perhaps turn out great. But it was till that very moment of life, i felt so intensely that things REALLY can't go the way we wanted. :( And i could foresee that my life will be a completely different one from what i've imagined. And I feared to even take a step forward. I wanted to back off, but there's no way i could go back. My hope deserted me and i felt so deeply lonely although there were people around me to give me support. But none of the support was enough to make me feel okay. I guess it was really a time of spiritually longing that i desperately want
someone to be there for me. God saw me in dismay and He reached out His nail pierced hand for me. He hugged me tightly and comforted me that it's okay, He will be there, no matter how difficult the journey will be. Be that a treacherous and arduous mountain path, or an angry roaring sea - - He whispered to my ears that He will be with me.
Before God whispered to me, I was so upset with what reality has gotten me into, i was very angry and frustrated why things didn't go the way i wanted, i was fearful to take any step forward, i refused to stay optimistic, and i even declared that Agnes Lee had died. Thinking back now, i was so foolish. I made everything sound like it's the end of the world. I refused to open up my mind, to take in advice, to listen, to accept, to move on, to let Him come close to me again.
Don't you sometimes feel the same way too? When problems surfaced and we thought God didn't to do anything about it to make things better, we turn away from God like a rebellious teenager. But our Heavenly Father lays aside His majesty, comes close to us, waits patiently beside us until the time we finally reach out our shaking hands to Him so that He could hold them tightly again. To Him, we mean more than anything else, and He just simply wants to be there for us though we can't see Him. And really, it is nothing more blessed than having Jesus as our dearest friend!
At first, i was so furious, disappointed and dejected for being forced into here. Well, to me, the world had ended and I had died. I was blinded by confusion, disappointment, anger, frustration that i couldn't see why I have to be in there. I felt so not worth it for working so hard for every exams. UPSR, PMR, and SPM. What for? What did i get in the end? I was so upset that i thought i would rather take up accountancy, (facing the boring digits, credits, debits, cash in hand, payment voucher...Gah! You can't go anywhere further than dealing with money and digits ey? I don't know, not that accountancy is not good, but personally i'm not into it.) than to suffer in the death of my dreams. But luckily i wasn't daring enough to put a full stop to my life. There's still another tiny voice that told me a full stop should be placed somewhere at the very very end, not now yet. It was tiny because my situation that time was too rowdy for the soft, tiny voice to enter. Surprisingly, that's what kept me alive, searching, searching, searching in darkness for that weak ray of light, that could bring me hope.
Searching for that source of light, is not easy. I have been through a stage where i was just merely alive. A body which is still breathing, still functioning. A brain which is still working, thinking, calculating, operating like normal. A mind which is constantly filled with things, but at times, it's blank. BUT, a soul with no purpose! I was like that you know. You know me, i am an obstinate girl, i can adapt to the environment easily, but i just can't change my mindset easily. You can't just force me to do anything if i think it will not benefit me. It was really a hard time for me to adjust myself and to accept it. Hmm, the adjusting part, i am still working on it. :(
It really takes time, one semester has passed, yet i only improved a little. However, i'm glad that at least now, confusion, disappointment, anger, and frustration has begun to disappear like the fog in the presence of the Sun. Now, i could see a little of the reason why i have to take up this path. I tell you, whatever happens, happens for a reason in God. Really. Well, i won't conclude that choosing to stay in Form 6 and strive for another time is not what He wants in my life, but coming into Teacher's Training College is not something meaningless in His plan too. I remember i prayed to Him and offered up my life for His wonderful plans in me. I told Him i'm willing to share His gospel and be a good example to others, to shine for Him. And i want to do things that He wants me to do.
So, this is it! The road that i could continue with my dream to do something for Him. Although my dreams are gone, but my dreams for Him is still there. It doesn't matter which road i take to complete His dreams. What it matters is am i doing what He wants me/what i've promised Him. So coming into here, i will be trained as a teacher. (something i least expected, but well, never mind.) You know, all this while i thought that in order to do something for Him, i have to be someone with big dreams. But God wants me to think small. We don't have to be big to serve Him. In fact, sometimes, if we are too high up there from the people, we can't really interact with people. Arrogance, perhaps? Or busyness? There would be a lot factors which block us from His people. So, sometimes, it's good to be small too. :) Like this, i would be able to interact with more people, and hey, it's the little children i'm gonna spend maybe a few years with. However, even if it's just a few years, i still could make a big difference in their life. I will use my life to influence their life. My life, not just an ordinary life, but a life walking closely with Jesus and doing what He loves.
God's presence has enlightened my life. :)
So yeah, it's indeed a growing year for me. :) Besides spiritually growth, i have done things i've never done before! Dancing on the stage in front of a hall of audiences, singing in a Karaoke competition, taking part in 100m sprint & relay, camping... You name it, you name it!
Hmm, i'm sure i will still encounter problems in the future, but at least i know that i will always have Him. And though in the future i may be lost for a while and be blinded by circumstances, i know, i will find Him again. I can't guarantee i'm now always being a good example, but i could at least try to be one. So i'm so sorry if i haven't really been one. I'm still learning. And i can't help still having the dreaded feeling of going back to the institute, because i'm still adjusting myself. I'm trying. I'm working on it. There are a lot of things i can't make sure now, but i will learn to leave them with God. I pray that I will always keep my steps close to God, so that His presence is able to illuminate my mind and my soul, nourish my soul and spirit. And i pray for His light to guide me, keep me from turning left or right so that i will stay on the narrow path that leads to life in Him.
I'm a gardener of Jesus, putting little seeds of His love into the heart of the children He loves.
I'm a gardener of Jesus, taking care of the germinating seeds and make sure they grow healthily.
I'm a gardener of Jesus, spreading the seeds of His love to the world! :)
This post is what i have been wanting to type out, but again, yeah, busy with this busy with that. But now, since i'm having holiday (but not for long) so i'd better type it out before packed schedules set in again. It took me whole afternoon man. However, worth it! I really wish to share what i've been through, how God has saved me again to you all. :)
Thank You, God, for always being there, my almost 18 years on Earth. :)
Continue to guide me, O Lord.
I'm counting on You! :)
Amen.
