Missing...

My mind has lots of things which i want to share. However, when i opened this page, i didn't know where to start off with, or which to write.

Okay, i will just be honest and...share what is on my mind...

I miss this...

The little hill top.

I'm awesome me!

Awesome is not awesome without me.

You must first believe that you can make it!

Once in a while, you would need a little boost of confidence, a little push to go even further. So, here I am, cheering myself to keep going on! I know this sounds crazy, but yeah... Sometimes, that little boost of confidence, that little push, that little affirmation, that little motivation, should come from you yourself!

I want to just take a few minutes, to praise myself for how awesome I have been! I'm currently having my precious, precious holiday...and everyone knows that my holidays are never free! Perhaps it's me, I would go crazy if i were to idle around and do nothing - i just need to occupy myself with things to do. And when I do that, I'm complaining my life is too packed. 

In this holiday, I have
(a) two assignments to complete
(b) practicum files which i need to keep up-to-date
(c) tennis
(d) meet ups with friends
(e) tidy my stuff
(f) Vanessa's tuition
(g) Form 1 History tuition
(h) outings
(i) one novel to finish
(j) pupils' work which i need to tidy, file up, decorate and display
(k) next week's lesson plans to plan and teaching aids to make

Wow wow wow...

How can i manage all?
So far so good, but honestly, i'm almost worn down! :(
Holiday is coming to an end...
And, right now, i feel giddy when I try to stand up or just look at things around me.

Father God, hold me before I break... 

Let me draw strength from You...

Saying "I love you"...

"I love you"

The three most overused, misunderstood, & misused words.

When, where, why, how and to whom you would say these three words to? Have they been such overly used words that they actually lose their meaning? You say them to a random someone as how you randomly mean them? Why did you take away the valuable meaning behind these three beautiful words? 

'Guys use it like rags and girls desire it like gold.'

Is that it? "I love you" sounds so meaningless. I'm not being a dreamy girl who over fantasises about love but I never ever once think that "I love you" should be taken for granted. To me, "I love you" comes with a commitment. "I love you" is not your hello-s nor goodbye-s unless the person you say to means something to you. 

You really shouldn't say "I love you" unless you mean it. 

I don't know about others, in my opinion, no matter how westernized someone is, "I love you" should be used with care and good purpose. Never say them when you don't mean it at all, especially when you use them to banter with opposite sex. I personally feel guys who use these three words a lot without meaning them are just so cheap. Call me old-fashioned, but i do feel there are a lot more other better expressions in the English language which are more suitable and appropriate to use rather than "I love you". 

Guys, in particular, should be more careful with the use of these three words. They can either magically heal or devastatingly hurt the girls. If you don't mean anything, don't use them too often that you might send the wrong signals or you might actually degrade yourselves when other people look at the way you interact with girls. Never take "I love you" for granted - you don't mean what you say, but the ones receiving it don't read your minds. So you really can't blame it fully on girls who take "I love you" seriously and get your message wrong at the end of the day. 

Why not save them for the right person who deserve them the most?

Keeping those three words until the moment you say it to the person you truly love and who truly deserves those three words - how wonderful and beautiful that would be! It would be so meaningful as those words are saved for the person. You wouldn't find a compliment meaningful to you when you know it has been going around everywhere to anyone before it comes to you, would you? And if you compare, having received a compliment that is only for you, how wonderful it would make you feel? 

So, guys and girls, save your "I love you" to the ones who truly deserve it, and to the ones you really mean it to.

A disturbed mind.

Lord, my mind is so disturbed recently.
There are too many thoughts and feelings jumbled up on my mind.
How much i wanted to get rid off those...
I've tried hard but to no avail.

Lord, I've made so many mistakes.
Will You still forgive me and love me, Lord?
Can I still be a brand new person and embrace a brand new chance, Father?
I can't help but to sometimes think that all these i'm experiencing now are because of my own mistakes.

Lord, I feel so ashamed thinking about my past.
All the childish things that I've done,
all the unthoughtful words that I've uttered,
all the disobedient moments I had with You.

I feel so daunted by the future.
I can't figure out where I am standing now and where I will be heading to.
I wish to see clear signs or even a revelation,
I want them so clear that I am very sure that I am on the right path.
But why do I feel so afraid now?

I need an affirmation.
I need encouragement.
I need You to tell me it's all right.
I need a hug, or even a touch will do.
I need to feel Your presence.
I need to embrace in You and feel Your warm peace flowing in my heart.

Lord, what are the messages behind these mess this time?
Please show me. Break me if You need to.
Father, I need You.
I need You to make me whole.

This feeling of being lost in nowhere is terrifying.
Choices, mistakes, people, commitments...
Lord, teach me how to face all these.
Lord, guide me so that I could confront them.

Soul-searching, self-reevaluating...

Yes! This is another night where i just couldn't help but feeding myself with unhealthy and heart-breaking activities and making myself getting very very emotional. Sigh! This was what I would do when I had too much time, huh? Perhaps lil Vanessa should come for tuition tonight, or perhaps, i should have gone out and hang out with my girlfriends. Any perhaps but sitting in front of the laptop, eyes glued on the screen, reading and reading some not-so-important-matters. And in the end, i got so stirred up and i'm suddenly feeling so low. 

When I first started blogging, i used to pour everything (and trust me, i mean everything - even the most random thing!) into the blog. I wrote everything that i felt. But then I stopped as I grew slightly more mature. I started to believe that writing feelings out was something very childish, and only emo people would do it. Also, i believed that it somehow proved a negative character of a person or his capabilities to handle and manage problems. And at times, i thought it seemed pathetic as if i had no one to talk to that i'm talking, wait, it's not even talking, that i'm typing it out to a *pause* non-living thing. But i would say NO to that idea again, for now. Venting it out in blogs is therapeutic! Well, for me, I must admit I'm not a very verbal person, my thoughts are more composed when I write them out. Of course I do talk things out and I enjoy doing that, just that somehow it is only effective when I'm talking to the right person. Anyway, so now, I'm back and I still believe in typing things out, documenting every part of my life. After all, this blog is rather private so I suppose I would feel safe here to let out my inner thoughts, any of my confusion, my fear, my worries, my silly dreams, my embarrassing moments...anything.

Isn't it scary that you let go of your confidence just because of the false negative judgements you have on yourself? Worse is, those judgements are made based on how others perceive you, or even what you think others would think of you. Where is your self-worth? You are worth so much more, my dear. However, gaining back the confidence after losing it can take quite some time, and great effort, and constant boost of positive-ness. I need to gain back my confidence! I need to be the confident Agnes back!

I believe i look good. Thus, I am good, and i can be good!

Another thing which frustrates me is that I really never learn to say "NO". I'm always very interested in everything and want to be part of as many things as i could. Yes, I do benefit from participating actively in meaningful activities, but at the same time, i am also wearing myself down. I always forgot the fact that I am a human - a human with flesh, a human with limitations. I guess I've always had the picture of an Iron Woman or some octopus-like wonder woman, or  someone who can split herself when I try to imagine myself. 

Practice saying 'no'. No, no, no...

So the over-ambitious thought of what I could do and what I want to do always brings along with it unnecessary stress and sacrifice of my precious free time. And all these will later become my complaints. 

What's bugging me now?

I've agreed to help out as an adjudicator for Swinburne debate competition tomorrow. It will be a Saturday, and it's the Saturday, the break, i have been longing for for the whole week. I am not sure if i have made the wise decision of spending my whole Saturday there. Well, i hope I would be able to learn something from it as well. I think I will be bringing my camera and perhaps record some sessions to show to my students. Since I have already agreed, I would better just make the best of it. :) Be positive, yes? 

Next, is of course, my Scheme of Work, lesson plans, journal entry, teaching aids...which have to be completed by the end of this weekend. *scream* And i don't really have time. Seriously, why did I make myself so busy with so many things? (See, there goes the complaints.) SIGH! Well, i guess it's another not-enough-rest weekend for me! Embrace it, Aggy!

Then...is that. But i won't elaborate much here. 

Hrmmm. That's all for this post. Feeling slightly better, even though nothing has been solved yet, but at least i've got the attitude fixed. Blogging does help. 

OKAY~ 

A beautiful tomorrow awaits me!

lingering thoughts...

I really dislike it when i delay sprinkling my thoughts here and finding it difficult to type what i wanted to record down in this blog. Anyway, some of the thoughts which keep lingering on my mind:

I want to stop humiliating myself by all the stupid thoughts and actions. 

I must be more independent. 

I must be an emotionally and spiritually strong lady.

I want to be better.

I am not weak, and you can't hurt me. 

I will fight through it strongly!

Keep shining, but don't get burned out.
Keep believing, but don't dream too much.

Yes, you can accomplish so much more than this.
Yes, you deserve so much more than this.

Keep loving, even though it hurts.
Keep doing, even though it seems the same.
Keep hoping, even though there ain't a clue. 
Keep giving, but know that there's a limit.

One day, God will reveal the reasons
and everything will be crystal clear.

Down, down, down.

These few days, insomnia really tortured me. My dear brain kept thinking of a lot of things, things in the past, things happening, and things yet to happen. Oh why can't it at least rest for awhile? I have been an emotional wreck these few days. Not much of moodswings as I have always been at the really low point. I jog a lot these few days (even after tennis training) so that I would drain myself out and have a goodnight sleep. I always have this personal belief that sweating is therapeutic because as I sweat, my problems leave my body too.

I have been feeling really down, depressed, dejected, tiny, far and out of reach lately. Things just never seem to go right. All the positive energy in me deserted me, my enthusiasm evaporated into thin air. I'm deflated.

So right now it's just a very depressing moment in life as a result of strings of emotional issues, annoyance and over-thinking... Yes! I over-think, most of the time! Do not worry - I may be very down right now, and everything may seem bad and sad, but I will pull through this, I will march on with greater confidence, resilience and courage! I won't dwell in this misery and depression for too long. Life rolls on; there's no use giving too much attention to this down part of life. Things will eventually, and always get better. Once this storm is over, the sun will come out shining with hope again. It's just a phase in life which I have to go through. 

I know I will be able to shine again! It's like an epiphany appearing at the end of torment. Thanks to my over-thinking, I begin to see things clearly, the picture is starting to form. I was so engrossed in chasing other things, but no, why chase for them when I have better things to change here. I will share more in the next entry. I'm physically and mentally drained out, I will retire early for the day. Finally! I will have a sound sleep tonight! :)